Today was a very long day. No amount of iced coffee could lift my fog. I was slow out the gate and didn't finish any stronger. Yet somehow I've made it to the gym.
I both love and hate feeling and emotions all at the same time. I love riding the emotional high, you know, like when you're completely in sync with someone and things are fun and connectivity works. I love the warmth and assurance that comes along with good feelings. I hate the feelings of anxiety, lacking or I involvement. When worse is jealousy. Fuck, I really hate that! And worse I hate that I feel it from time to time.
I fear that I will be forgotten and worse, hurt. I fear that I will be considered unimportant.
I'm sure it's mostly just female hormones coming to a boil and I really try not to let that get out of control or be some handicap that is some license to act like a complete psycho, ungrateful she-demon. That just isn't right. Sure I get cramps from hell and at times I feel so bloated I don't want to leave the house; but that is not an excuse to treat people like shit. I just don't want my emotions to get the best of me and don't want my hormones to lead me into this cycle of negativity.
I just close my eyes and keep on running through it. I let the swear bead up on my forehead and run dove my temples, releasing any tension and fear I keep inside. I will find my balance and hope I'm not forgotten.
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