I Miss Him Like Crazy

I created this blog initially as a way to account for the many curve balls thrown my way in my life and show people how I handled them. Over time it has grown to be a collection of my thoughts, ideals, explanation of my values, and experiences and situations I'm working through. It is a projection of my struggles and challenges I face along the crazy journey.

Lately life has thrown me so many of those crazy curve balls. Days I think will be smooth sailing are stressful and completely unenjoyably. Times when I am uninspired, unmotivated, and feeling very frustrated miraculously work out and end up great days. I have given up trying to predict the moods of others and have made a conscious effort to focus on the things within myself that I can change.

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my father passing away. I really didn't think I'd feel anything; its been so long and I've spent so much time, especially within the last five or so years, crying and really grieving and coping. I was sure I got it all out and was more adjusted than this. But it has hit me hard. I miss the guy so much. A big reason why I don't want to have kids is because I don't want to live in a world where I have kids and they do not have their grandpa Danny in their lives. He would have been a great grandpa and I don't see how it would be possible to have kids and not see him every time I looked into their eyes or made them smile.

I miss the guy terribly. I wish I could hear his laugh again and I long for time with him, sitting around the living room, playing blackjack on the floor.

I have a friend at work who lost her mom five months ago. She is really struggling, having a hard time working with families going through the process of loss, while she hasn't come to terms with her own issues. I have tried to be there the best that I can, as a shoulder to cry on and a friend and an advice giver when asked. I feel like I am coming up short because I still have my weaknesses and moments where I curl up into a ball, hide my face in my knees, and cry my eyes out with a sore, broken heart thinking of the fact that he will never be back in my life.

I spent years pretending that my father was off at war; he was off battling something grand and was away doing a civic duty, taking care of us by being away. But that delusion couldn't continue on and I had to eventually come to terms with the fact that he is...DEAD. Gone... and that is when I started forgetting.

If I close my eyes I can hardly see his face. I can't hear his voice or remember his laugh. I know that as soon as he is a completely foggy and distant memory, he will really be lost forever in every sense possible. I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to really be alone.

I miss the guy immensely! Fuck, I miss you Dad. Why did you have to get sick? Why did this become the story of my life? Why was my future mapped out to include a constant struggle? I know that there are probably no answers beyond the coined phrase "it is what it is," but what if there is a deeper meaning? What if I am supposed to have this story because I am meant to teach someone else?

I know he is not coming back and I know life will be different from me than most I know. I realize that I had to grow up VERY fast and that I have to work twice as hard, supporting myself, building my empire from scratch without any assistance. I value every second of every day that I am breathing and above ground, that I am able to remember him in some small way, that I am able to live up to the high standards he set. I am grateful for being physically and mentally able and I work hard daily to show the world that Danny did not die in vain - that he has a legacy and that I am doing him proud.

Dan the man, Danny Felsen, D-Felly, Pops, Daddy....I miss you constantly and always will. You always have the biggest place in my heart and will always be the guiding light leading me towards greatness. You will always be the best teacher, mentor, friend and guardian anyone could ever have, and I feel lucky to have had the time I did with you, despite how short it was. I love you more today and ever and I hope your soul is out there, floating amongst the starchy white clouds, shining down on this world, at total peace.

Relationships Are Hard

The question of care came up in a rather heated conversation with my husband tonight on my way to the gym. We've been together a decade (literally) and you would think that after all that time we would know exactly how to care for one another when we are sick or feeling low. But we don't...

He is suffering from sinus allergies or some mild head cold and as a result is incredibly irritable. I should honestly know better than to approach him with opinions or advice. It's just not received well when he's in this condition. I should know this by now, right?! But I did the exact opposite and he erupted in anger. Guess I was asking for it...?

In the thick of the angry exchange we touched upon the topic of care. I do not know how to care for him how he wants. After ten years I apparently care for him how I want to be cared for, not how HE wants. I never stopped to think I was doing it wrong; bringing him a blanket when he wants a hot meal. I have been being emotionally there for him when he wanted to get a neck massage and then to be left alone. 

It begs the question of why didn't he speak up and correct it? Why not just say what you need? It's not being polite in my opinion if you're just going to throw it back in my face in a later argument. 

To get a bit personal here, when I get my period I want to be approached gently, fed and reassured. I want love and sympathy. Until recently this was not how I was cared for and so I spoke up. He has tried really hard to care for me in a way that makes me happy that is completely opposite from his natural inclination. I need to do the same.

I think that the people we were ten years are drastically different from who we both are today and so our ways of caring need to be adjusted accordingly. I feel sadness for the argument and while I don't think it's fair to verbally lash out at someone because of feeling ill or exhausted, I should have done everything differently. 

I can't believe I'm still learning how up coexist after so many years. I can't believe that we have changed so much. This year I will work harder on recognizing other peoples needs and making sure that not only am I happy, but so are they. 

Bringing Home The Bacon?

Thanksgiving is now over with and I suddenly realized we are heading to Philly in less than 20 days! I don't feel prepared at home, with finances, at work... I feel completely scattered and unorganized!

I am looking forward to getting away for the holiday. I love the city of Philly and an looking forward to being able to bundle up. I can't exactly get ready for the trip mentally until I feel financially secure.

This year has been a major struggle in the financial department in the Bolan household. The first year we started our business was golden. We made an incredible amount of profit and our projections for the next year were looking very lucrative. Unfortunately we suffered some serious setbacks - staffing trouble, job setbacks, and unexpected expenditures because of injuries and insurance increases. Oh and taxes.., 

All in all we are significantly down this year and have suffered great turmoil over cash flow, payroll and even our own personal financial troubles. It's been one of those hunker down and ride it out sort of years and I'm losing patience and faith quickly. I have constant anxiety and am burnt out on the struggle. 

The great success of the first year of our business was a fluke; it was a glitch and we are now in the thick of the challenge everyone warned us about. I just don't know if I can take 5 years of this. I don't know if I can put our life on hold for that long. We have no kids and if we wanted them we wouldn't be able to have them for at least five more years... I would be too old. We won't own a home, take nice vacations, have a nicer vehicle, none of that at least the five years it takes to be running the business out of the red.

The American dream is scary as hell. It's a lofty notion but hard to live out. The day in and day out is so stressful and trying on our relationship. I just keep asking myself, is this really worth it? I have been carying the family financial for two years now and I feel like we are farther back from where we started. I am thirty years old and want to enjoy our life. I want some of the nicer things and most importantly want a stress free life. 

Today wa a good day, it wasn't bad and it wasn't great; just a day like any other. It was a day I could plug in mentally to a project and just focus. I could mentally drift and ponder my future and reevaluate my game plan and our approach to getting ahead. I need to help Tom and find financial assistance. I need to help him find a partner or someone who wants to invest money and time to show him how to run a business.

I'm exhausted and hope I can sleep through the entire night and just make it past this mini vacation so I can get home and back into bringing home the bacon.