Finding the Routine

It is hard to believe its been almost 3 months since I wrote a new blog. School last semester really kicked my ass, as well as a large conference I was coordinating from 3000 miles away. Oh and did I mention I also worked about 50 hours a week on top of that at a really demanding job in a state of transition? Not to sound like a bitchy excuse maker, but suffice it to say I was completely overwhelmed.

So - I'm back. School starts up again soon so I can't guarantee I'll be posting that often, but I promise to try to post with as much regularity as I possibly can.

Life has definitely been more positive than the past few months, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of new posts. It's so much easier to write when in a foul mood or upset and processing some dark emotion. I always feel like an idiot writing about happy times. I don't want to sound like someone rubbing it in saying, "I am just so happy... blah blah blah." That to me sounds like an attention seeker farting rainbows and gumdrops on everyone's not so perfect life. Not my style.

But I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer naysayer who is a chronic complainer. So let's just call it a fifty fifty past few months. There have been some bumps in the road, but overall its been a great few months.

Something I am struggling with right now with all this down time from work is the concept of trust. Its so hard for me to really let my guard down and expose the vulnerability or real emotion I typically keep bottled up in a deep, hidden space in my heart. I feel like trusting people and really letting them in, more often than not, equals me getting hurt. And who the fuck wants to get hurt?!?

But I am not going to build a healthy relationship by shutting down and closing myself off or distrusting. I have to learn to believe it when I am told I am loved and accepted. I have to love myself. I have to accept that there will always be the potential to get hurt no matter how much I try to protect myself, and at the end of the day it doesn't make it easier by keeping those I love at a distance, it actually makes things more difficult.

In being almost a year out on my own I've learned a lot about living alone and doing things for myself. I've come to realize that even while I had a partner there physically, I was actually alone more than I realized. I still struggle to find motivation to go to dinners alone, and have a hard time at night when my tiny apartment is still and dark. I find it difficult to grocery shop for 1 and hate not having a snuggle companion to curl up with and watch TV or even just sit in silence to enjoy each others company.

But I know that as the time passes it does get easier and a new routine is established. I look at it similar to when I quit smoking. I was a pack a day cigarette smoker. Parliament Lights 100's baby. I guess since they were the extra long smokes you could say I actually smoked a pack and a half. I dedicated my time to habitually smoking for over 10 years, and have been proudly smoke free for 5. It was so hard to quit. I wasn't just giving up the one act of lighting and inhaling a cigarette, but rather a lifestyle and all the activities that I enjoyed that coupled well with smoking. I used to wake up and have a hot cup of coffee on my porch with a smoke. I used to love to smoke at sunset at the beach. I always enjoyed a cigarette after a satisfying meal. Take out the smoking from those moments and I felt like I had nothing. So I stopped all of it. I stopped sitting on my porch all together. I hardly went to the beach at sunset, until last year. It took time and patience and acceptance that things had changed before I could establish new, healthier routines. And you know what, I eventually did it. I am still smoke free and now enjoy the beach. I love a good meal and feel satisfied without a smoke after I am done. I sit outside on the deck often and taken in the sweet smells of the nature surrounding me, rather than the stench of a smoke stick.

In time I have started to establish new patterns and routines for myself, and I tell anyone going through or about to go through a divorce the following... IT DOES GET EASIER IF YOU WANT IT TO AND YOU WORK AT IT. It is a daily struggle, but you MUST NOT give up. YOU MUST look deeper within EVERY situation in order to push yourself to accepting the things that you cannot change and finding the courage to change the things you can.

I have opened my mind to a lot of things and have opened my heart to love. I am free of so many things that caused me pain and ready and willing to shed the skin of insecurity and fear and reveal all of who I am, vulnerable and raw, real and emotional.

To life I say bring it on. To you, if you are struggling, I say you are loved and you are strong and one day those giant mountains of pain become smaller rolling hills and eventually become so minor you don't event realize you're on a journey. Live life, power through it, enjoy the moments in between, and never look back. Follow the beat of your heart and the instinct in your gut.

Old Friends Who Just Met

Last night I met a very old friend, whom I haven’t seen in 7 years, for a drink. I parked a few blocks away and walked to the bar; trying to expel any nervous energy from anticipating what it would be like spending time together after so many years. I got there early, as I typically do when I’m nervous, and sat at a table eagerly awaiting an awkward hello. I expected the night to be extremely uncomfortable, not knowing what to say and full of uncomfortable silences and speaking over one another. I was not sure if we would be able to resume our friendship after such an abrupt end 7 years ago.

As my friend walked in there was an instant sense of comfort and familiarity, as if those 7 very busy years were just a moment in time, like we had never lost touch. I completely forgot any reason why we stopped talking at that moment. I got up and gave him a hug and couldn’t wait to hear his story, congratulate him on his marriage, find out how his family was doing, and get to know him all over again for the man he had become.

The night continued on and time flew by without us even noticing. It was so enjoyable getting to know what he had been doing with his life and learn about his beautiful wife and their relationship. It was great to find out about how his family, which I once felt was family of my own, was doing. It felt as if the evening ended too quickly and we both parted ways, promising to be in each others lives.  

The most amazing part of the night was not that we were able to pick up a friendship as if no time had passed. My friend did something I consider extremely classy and admirable. It was something many people never do. He apologized for any time he was not a good friend. He explained himself and took ownership of not being a good friend to me when I needed hi m when my dad got sick and passed away. He shared his disappointment with himself for not being there at my wedding. It was already water under the bridge for me, but hearing his words was powerful.

It takes real courage to apologize for something like that. It takes responsibility and true character to be honest with yourself and others about your flaws and take ownership of wrongdoing. He may never fully know how much that meant to me.

I am very lucky to get second chances like this in my life. To know that I have a friend who thought about his actions and made good on bad behavior and that I too could apologize for any times I was not there as I should have been. It was one of the most honest and real conversations I’ve had with a friend and a moment in my life I will never forget.

My friend is back and I am looking forward to years of friendship, getting to know his family and the life he lives now as an adult. I am glad that we have both become mature adults and are able to know each other at this point in our lives. It really was a holiday gift to have our friendship rekindled. I have so much to be thankful for.

Relationships Are Hard

The question of care came up in a rather heated conversation with my husband tonight on my way to the gym. We've been together a decade (literally) and you would think that after all that time we would know exactly how to care for one another when we are sick or feeling low. But we don't...

He is suffering from sinus allergies or some mild head cold and as a result is incredibly irritable. I should honestly know better than to approach him with opinions or advice. It's just not received well when he's in this condition. I should know this by now, right?! But I did the exact opposite and he erupted in anger. Guess I was asking for it...?

In the thick of the angry exchange we touched upon the topic of care. I do not know how to care for him how he wants. After ten years I apparently care for him how I want to be cared for, not how HE wants. I never stopped to think I was doing it wrong; bringing him a blanket when he wants a hot meal. I have been being emotionally there for him when he wanted to get a neck massage and then to be left alone. 

It begs the question of why didn't he speak up and correct it? Why not just say what you need? It's not being polite in my opinion if you're just going to throw it back in my face in a later argument. 

To get a bit personal here, when I get my period I want to be approached gently, fed and reassured. I want love and sympathy. Until recently this was not how I was cared for and so I spoke up. He has tried really hard to care for me in a way that makes me happy that is completely opposite from his natural inclination. I need to do the same.

I think that the people we were ten years are drastically different from who we both are today and so our ways of caring need to be adjusted accordingly. I feel sadness for the argument and while I don't think it's fair to verbally lash out at someone because of feeling ill or exhausted, I should have done everything differently. 

I can't believe I'm still learning how up coexist after so many years. I can't believe that we have changed so much. This year I will work harder on recognizing other peoples needs and making sure that not only am I happy, but so are they. 

Responsible Adult

It suddenly hit me this afternoon...I am an adult! What?!? When did this happen? I swear I didn't see it coming. When I look in the mirror I still see a kid; visually I am still I my early twenties besides a few laugh lines and bags under my eyes. I don't feel like I thought I would feel when I was an adult. Sure I'm more tired than my younger years and it may take me 5 minutes so sit up in bed in the morning, but I just don't feel like a grown up...except for one thing...responsibility.

When did I get so damn responsible? So unbelievably cautious. When did I become one who calculates risk and assesses outcomes of situations? When did I start playing it safe? 

To get a bit personal here (sorry Tom), my husband and I are going through a very trying time. Two years ago we decided to take a few calculated risks knowing that the next few years were going to be rough and were going to test the strength of our relationship. 

Two years ago I decided to leave my job of five and a half years for a new career on the Westside in a new industry with a new set of responsibilities. While my old job was a tense, toxic place to work, it was routine and mindless and so I got out. I added on a lot of gas money each month to get to the Westside and back in my guzzling American made SUV, but it was well worth the change to a fantastic company with opportunity and value. 

Two years ago my husband decided it was time to officially open his own plumbing company and commit himself 100% to building his business. For a few years he worked half for himself and half for another company and after lengthy discussion we decided it was time to "shit of get off the pot." Pun completely intended.

New job, new business, why not add a new apartment in the beautiful, expensive, beach community of Santa Monica, CA to the mix? In efforts to avoid a one and a half hour commute for me daily and the taxing gas expenditure we packed up our triplex in the valley and high tailed it over to our new place...did I mention rent was $300 more a month? 

So now new job, new business with a second rent for a shop location, new residence, and lastly new car...we traded in the all American SUV for a brand new VW Passat. All these changes were new and exiting and definitely the right decision, but nonetheless very fucking scary.

Our relationship has definitely been put to the test. His plumbing business has luckily been doing very well and he has remained consistently busy with jobs. (Knock on wood...or elliptical machine in my case.) But it still a struggle. Staffing and payroll are a thorn in his side and check runs and delayed payments are hurting us. He is up several times a night in a panic and therefore always tired. He doesn't see his friends anymore and we cannot take time off in fear of the business suffering. It is a 24/7 beast that we can only hope pays off. 

Two rents, bills galore, a mom on disability from a freak fall, two other relatives barely holding on financially, insurance, payroll, vendor payments, taxes, it is all a pressure cooker that is there to worry about daily. We are tested every day to survive and somehow get ahead and to make it through together. Some days are better than others and honestly there are times when the future looks bleak. I just wake up each day and show up and close my eyes each night and hope to have the strength to do the same the next day. Because I'm a responsible adult and that's what adults do.