I am Home. I am Happy.

I am supposed to be writing two more chapters for my experiential learning portfolio for school, but the only thoughts coming to me are blog worthy. I wish that my portfolio for school could be a compilation of my blog entries. That is what truly comes from the heart and is the real learning in my life that I should be graded on. I am who I am because of every experience, good or bad. Sure, I’ve learned a lot professionally in leadership, management, marketing, team building and so on, but I have really grown as a person from what I’ve done and the people I’ve met along the way. Everything that I’ve been through has molded me into the woman I am today and has led me to where I am now.

So where am I? I am finally in a peaceful place. I am home. 

I love where I live. It took a week of adjusting to living in a smaller place, in a new area, but I can honestly say that this morning I woke up, opened my eyes, heard the sound of raindrops on the roof and the wind in the trees, and I smiled because I knew I was home. I am exactly where I should be.

I am happy.

I finally feel a calm stillness that I have been seeking for months now. My heart stopped racing (although it may be for only a short while), my mind has slowed down, my heart is warm and I genuinely love where I am. I love where I am going, both physically and emotionally. I have a whole lot of love right now and am very thankful for the love I am receiving in return.

Someone recently reached out that I was friends with a year ago. She read my blog and wrote to me on Facebook to tell me that she knows what I’m going through. She offered insightful and very helpful words of encouragement and shared her own personal journey she’s been on and the life changing events she’s faced recently. It was so nice to know that I am not alone and to get validation from someone who has been through a similar situation that I am making the right, positive choices. It meant so much to have someone reach out and share their own personal story. 

I often consider myself similar to a porcupine. Instinctively when approaching the great unknown in any situation I often put up a defense mechanism or shy away. I am afraid of what I do not know or what I cannot expect. At least, I have been this way for most of my life. But I am really sick and tired of being that way and am making a great effort to be flexible and easy going. I woke up a few months ago and realized that I have missed out on SO MUCH in life because I’ve had to control a situation. I kept myself in this limiting little box, afraid to venture out and try new things, scared to live.

Someone recently encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone and try sushi. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me this was huge. The thought of sushi has always repelled me, especially the raw fish part. It was overwhelming because I cannot use chopsticks to save my life and the menu is confusing. It is uncharted territory for me and that was pretty much my nightmare. It helps to have someone you genuinely trust guiding you, which I do. So we went out for sushi and I loved it. We’ve gone out to sushi twice now and in thinking about it, the experience was not only great because of the company, but it was great because I pushed myself outside of that tiny, safe box and I felt liberated.  In the past few months, as a result of this person’s encouragement, I have tried Ethiopian cuisine, Indian cuisine which I already loved, Ramin, lentils, etc. I have let go of the need to control and have trusted that I would not be forced to try something I would hate. And I have enjoyed it all! It is a big lesson to me that it is okay to step outside my comfort zone and experience new things, as long as I am with someone I trust. I don’t need to raise my quills when confronted with a new situation or something unexpected. It’s important to keep an open mind and an open heart.

Today, sitting in my living room on the bright green shag rug, with the gray sky peeking through the trees outside my window and the smell of someone’s fire place filling the air, I am at such great peace with myself. All feels right in the world again and I am looking forward to what the future holds for me. I am looking forward to the endless possibilities for new and exciting adventures, deep love and companionship, blossoming friendships, a successful career, and true happiness.

I am home. I am happy.

Dragging Ass and Taking Names

I'm exhausted this morning. Really dragging ass. It was one of those nights where it felt like I slept for only an hour. However, I am not too tired to be excited that after today I am off from work for a week. I am really looking forward to this time to sleep a bit more and hopefully have a little bit of fun. I am going to have to dedicate some time to school work and moving, which I know sounds like a lot, but I really want to make a conscious effort to put my phone down and have fun.

I remember as a kid I looked forward to vacation and the holidays. I used to get so excited for time away from school and would count down the days until vacation began. Even if I was doing nothing but spending time outside playing in the neighborhood, I was still excited for the free time and the possibilities. Every year I looked forward to the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and New Years. I really enjoyed the feeling of the holiday spirit; the time with family and friends and all the delicious food. There was a certain electricity that came with the family getting together for the holidays and as I got older the feelings of family and friends became even more important. When my dad passed away everything changed. The Jewish holidays in particular were no longer celebrated. Thanksgiving with my side of the family became practically nonexistent. Every year from his passing on forward Thanksgiving and Christmas were celebrated with my ex's family. I lost touch of my own.

This year I have even less excitement or anticipation for the holidays. I feel a great void when it comes to my family and find myself still wishing things had gone differently. I know that wishing for something like that does no one any good. Stomping my foot on the ground and yelling "ITS NOT FAIR" is not an option for a 31 year old adult. But it isn't fair. Life is really not fair.

This year I am also alone. The Jewish holidays were hard enough. Since I did not create a family of my own, I have no children to share in the joys of the holiday. Since I am no longer married, I have no spouse to ring in the new year with. Since I have no siblings, there is no house full of familiar faces to share Thanksgiving dinner with. I will have to learn how to have a holiday on my own. Make it in my own way.

I know this blog entry was originally about my vacation, but it is hardly that. I can't exactly call it a vacation because I still have all this on my mind. It is like a mental break. It is a short period of time to disappear, get things done, and be with those I care about and forget the upcoming holidays that really get me down. It is a much needed break in the chaos.

I am really dragging ass today. But I will get through it and get everything accomplished so I can disappear into my five days off, getting lost in time with those I enjoy and moving into a calmer, happier place. Today I am dragging ass and taking names.