A Bipolar Year with a Happy Ending

I ended 2014 with a vacation which was such a great way to close out a year that has been trying and has often tested my ability to cope and my resolve. I was put through my paces and faced some real pain, but have managed to overcome and stay positive through it all. I feel like I’m ending 2014 on a very hopeful note and am ready to conquer 2015, making life happen instead of waiting for adventure to take place.

2014 was a bipolar year for me. A total up and down roller coaster from one extreme to another. I had some hard times, especially the most painful part of it all, which was ending my marriage after being together a total of twelve years. I don’t take that lightly and it has been a very difficult and eye opening experience going through the divorce process. I’ve put a lot out there for you to read and have shed light on what it is like learning how to live alone after never really doing so, but there are some deep personal wounds that come from such a journey that I have kept very quiet and close to my heart. Getting divorced has tested my will, my resolve, my ability to love, my openness and my heart. It has made me question everything about the person I am and what I will become. It has made me reconsider what I want out of my life and the values of family.

But it has also opened my eyes to the life I can live and to my full potential that I have not been living up to. It has made me closer to my friends, a better listener, more understanding, driven and accepting. I have a greater passion for love and living true to oneself. Out of being on my own has come an independence that has been burning inside me like a furnace, pushing me to travel and make decisions and stand up for myself. I see value in the person I have grown to be that I was unaware of before.

This past year has also brought new people into my life that I am so very thankful for. I have had opportunities to make good friends that I know are lifelong and just as thankful for our friendship as I am. Through these friends I have been able to learn different types of love and have found a silly side to my personality. I have grown from them, been encouraged and found true companionship. In some of my friends I have been able to see a lot of qualities my dad used to have, feeling as if he is even more so still with me just in a different form.

Within this year I have helped my mom recover from a freak accident, watching our relationship grow and mature. I said goodbye to my last grandparent, accepted the permanent distance between my father’s family and I, learned how to be more accepting of my emotions and even began to meditate. I received a promotion at work, moved to a place I absolutely love, found inner peace and love for myself. The growth in 2014 has shown me the importance of being open and honest about feelings and intentions. It was a year about acceptance, recognition, ownership, love, healing, kindness, charity and embracing change.

To my friends who have been by my side throughout the year – thank you! I know I have been a pain in the ass, overemotional as well as completely closed off, timid and hesitant, loud and obnoxious, direct and rude, etc. I have not always been the best friend that I know I could be and I promise 2015 will be better. Thank you for not giving up on me.

To my friends who are struggling with the closing of one year and unresolved issues – you are not alone. Life is funny and has a way of teaching us lessons we were unaware we needed to learn. If you feel you have not been successful or accomplished much this past year, you are wrong. You have taught me to be better, stronger, and more open, take myself less seriously, and push myself to learn more. You have been a great friend and that is definitely something to take pride in.

This vacation to Baltimore, even more so than the last trip, has opened my eyes to my ability to choose for myself. The most important thing that I have learned within 2014 has been my voice. I have learned that I have the voice to speak up and choose my own destiny. I am the only one who can decide my happiness and the direction of my future and it is my responsibility to myself and everyone in my life to speak up.

2015, I’m coming for you! You have no idea the force that is heading your way. Here’s to a new year full of change, good fortune, new beginnings, the good kind of unknown, friendships and love.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Wayne Dyer recently posted on Facebook this quote above and said that the holidays are a good time to focus on reconnecting with the spirit of love and living life to the fullest. Making a personal promise to live life in a more meaningful way will make each moment more enjoyable and we should approach life with a child-like awe and appreciation for its beauty.

This really resonates with me, and is something I often try to do. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily drama and be blinded by material and surface issues that often leave us forgetting about the small miracles that happen each day. It is so easy to get suck on selfish thoughts and so absorbed in our own lives that we forget what is important to those around us that we care about.

I read what Dyer wrote last night and found myself wishing more people did exactly what he was saying. I wish more people could get out of their own concern long enough to remember things that are important to other people like a first day at a new job, or a big meeting they were nervous to have, and take time to make sure that person knows they are being thought of. I wish people cared more and recognized that a quick text, a phone call on an important day, or even the simple act of remembering something someone told them goes a hell of a long way to another person.

But the most difficult challenge is not accepting the fact that people can be selfish and often forget what is important to others unintentionally, it is making sure you do not change how you behave in spite of it all. There are times when I want to refrain from reaching out to someone just because they have forgotten to ask me how something went when they knew I was going to do something I was scared to do. I realize it is petty of me to think like that, but after a while I feel like a fool for being more concerned with their well being than they care for me.

Inner dialogue does eventually lead me to realizing that just because someone is more selfish than I am, I should not compromise my values and be any less caring of an individual. What I can do is change my expectations of them and rely on their closeness a hell of a lot less. A friendship and especially companionship is something I take very seriously and I have always expected that what I put in I should receive in return.

With the holiday season here I am thinking about family, friendships and love a lot more. I am very thankful for the friendships I have and the life I live. I have endless opportunities ahead of me as long as I am receptive to change, willing to try, open to new adventures and honest with myself. I have friends who encourage and inspire me and I should tell them more often that they do so. I should be more open with my feelings and let people in.

I love hard. It is a fact. I used to want to change that about myself, but no longer see it as a bad thing. If the right person is out there for me, they must understand that about me and respect it. Communication is everything. Relationships with people I care about and their lives and experiences are more valuable and important to me than any material thing. Life is worth living to the fullest, love is worth experiencing. It really isn’t a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to new love. I think it is not worth living a life where you are scared to take a step, controlled in an old and comfortable routine. Life is a challenge to embrace, accept and challenge back.

If you are my friend, new or old, you are someone I love deeply. If you are someone I love, I care about you. If I didn’t show it enough this year, I am sorry. I will do better next year. I promise.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Exhausted and Contemplative

I have typed and erased this opening sentence five times. I don’t know how to start this one. I have way too many things bouncing around in my head and a very sensitive heart at the moment. Nothing is clear and free flowing. Everything is jumbled, blurry, emotional, frustrating. 

I came across the quote pictured here on the right on Facebook yesterday. It is a concept we all know but forget often. I let interactions with others and failed expectations dictate my emotional state. I forget to show myself love for who I am and respect to not let people treat me poorly. I turn a blind eye to things and make excuses for people who do not give me the time and attention I deserve.

Life is so transitional for me these days and the constant work on my outlook, insecurities, fears, history, situations and relationships is difficult and exhausting. I am unsettled and unbalanced, but I am not stagnant. I am working at finding happiness, not letting my anxiety become a permanent excuse and disability. I am struggling, over emotional, worried, and at times pessimistic, but I am really trying to pull myself out of it all and gain a stronger, healthier and positive perspective. I want to be better. I want to be loved and get the attention I really deserve. I want to be able to love back.

After a very hurtful and upsetting afternoon yesterday, I was left exhausted and contemplative. I thought about what I really deserve. I deserve love. True, non-judgmental, unanticipated love that is natural and not something I have to fight for. Straight from the heart, without question, loyal and compassionate with only the best intentions. I deserve respect, shown in ways of caring about the struggles I am facing, support throughout a process, faith that I will make a good choice, and trust that I will not hurt or let you down. I also deserve companionship. True companionship can only blossom out of strong communication. Companionship is more than just having fun with another person. It is anticipation of someone’s needs without them having to ask for something. It is being by their side when they get an award, go to an event, take a leap that scares the fuck out of them or a million other things that take place in their life that involves change or growth. It is calling them in the morning to tell them you miss their voice, or saying good night because you want to show you care. It is making time for them because you want to and because you want to make them aware that you are there. Companionship is more than just laughter and joking around. It is deeper than that.  

What do you deserve?

This past weekend someone asked me what my five year plan was. The question has really left me upset. Partly because knowing everything going on in my life and all the pain and transition I am working though, the question shouldn’t have been asked. But mostly because right now I am trying to make it one day at a time. I am starting over and working through a lot of change and I am trying to focus on the light very far off in the distance. I am working towards trusting and loving again and being more definite about what I want. I am working on family issues and anxieties that I do not want to dictate my life. I thought I had a five year plan five years ago, which did not include being divorced by 32, starting over financially, living in a tiny apartment and childless with practically no family. This was NOT my five year plan and just goes to show that making those types of plans isn’t worth anything.

We never know where we will be. We never know who we will meet and who we will fall in love with or who we will wish would love us back. We never know what friendships will fizzle out or stand the test of time. We have no way of knowing any of it. I hate the unknown, but not knowing any of this is out of my control. I am going to love hard, live hard, trust and be trusted, keeping those in my life who are truly deserving and living a positive and happy life. Life lesson for this week is love and respect yourself the way you want others to treat you.

I am Home. I am Happy.

I am supposed to be writing two more chapters for my experiential learning portfolio for school, but the only thoughts coming to me are blog worthy. I wish that my portfolio for school could be a compilation of my blog entries. That is what truly comes from the heart and is the real learning in my life that I should be graded on. I am who I am because of every experience, good or bad. Sure, I’ve learned a lot professionally in leadership, management, marketing, team building and so on, but I have really grown as a person from what I’ve done and the people I’ve met along the way. Everything that I’ve been through has molded me into the woman I am today and has led me to where I am now.

So where am I? I am finally in a peaceful place. I am home. 

I love where I live. It took a week of adjusting to living in a smaller place, in a new area, but I can honestly say that this morning I woke up, opened my eyes, heard the sound of raindrops on the roof and the wind in the trees, and I smiled because I knew I was home. I am exactly where I should be.

I am happy.

I finally feel a calm stillness that I have been seeking for months now. My heart stopped racing (although it may be for only a short while), my mind has slowed down, my heart is warm and I genuinely love where I am. I love where I am going, both physically and emotionally. I have a whole lot of love right now and am very thankful for the love I am receiving in return.

Someone recently reached out that I was friends with a year ago. She read my blog and wrote to me on Facebook to tell me that she knows what I’m going through. She offered insightful and very helpful words of encouragement and shared her own personal journey she’s been on and the life changing events she’s faced recently. It was so nice to know that I am not alone and to get validation from someone who has been through a similar situation that I am making the right, positive choices. It meant so much to have someone reach out and share their own personal story. 

I often consider myself similar to a porcupine. Instinctively when approaching the great unknown in any situation I often put up a defense mechanism or shy away. I am afraid of what I do not know or what I cannot expect. At least, I have been this way for most of my life. But I am really sick and tired of being that way and am making a great effort to be flexible and easy going. I woke up a few months ago and realized that I have missed out on SO MUCH in life because I’ve had to control a situation. I kept myself in this limiting little box, afraid to venture out and try new things, scared to live.

Someone recently encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone and try sushi. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me this was huge. The thought of sushi has always repelled me, especially the raw fish part. It was overwhelming because I cannot use chopsticks to save my life and the menu is confusing. It is uncharted territory for me and that was pretty much my nightmare. It helps to have someone you genuinely trust guiding you, which I do. So we went out for sushi and I loved it. We’ve gone out to sushi twice now and in thinking about it, the experience was not only great because of the company, but it was great because I pushed myself outside of that tiny, safe box and I felt liberated.  In the past few months, as a result of this person’s encouragement, I have tried Ethiopian cuisine, Indian cuisine which I already loved, Ramin, lentils, etc. I have let go of the need to control and have trusted that I would not be forced to try something I would hate. And I have enjoyed it all! It is a big lesson to me that it is okay to step outside my comfort zone and experience new things, as long as I am with someone I trust. I don’t need to raise my quills when confronted with a new situation or something unexpected. It’s important to keep an open mind and an open heart.

Today, sitting in my living room on the bright green shag rug, with the gray sky peeking through the trees outside my window and the smell of someone’s fire place filling the air, I am at such great peace with myself. All feels right in the world again and I am looking forward to what the future holds for me. I am looking forward to the endless possibilities for new and exciting adventures, deep love and companionship, blossoming friendships, a successful career, and true happiness.

I am home. I am happy.