The Real Question

 Here is a short story I wrote for a short story contest. I hope you enjoy...


She woke up in a haze, unsure if it were reality or still a dream. Each morning lately begins the same way. Feet shuffling on the cold worn wood floors, she makes it to the bathroom vanity, grabs hold of either side of the sink to brace herself, opens her eyes and stares deeply into her reflection in the mirror.

Typically she breaks her stare and brushes her teeth, not really focusing on any particular thought, letting her mind drift into a silent void. Today was different. As she held her sharp stare a tear ran down her cheek, trailing down the corner of her mouth with her lips closed tight, tasting salty and bitter. A single drop hit the sink and with it her heart ached. She knew inside that she was worth so much more. That she had forgotten to love herself and was not being loved the right way. Today she seemed older. More experienced. More confident than even a single day before. 

As the story goes, she had met someone who she thought to be great, who stoked the flame of her spirit and invigorated her in ways she herself was not even aware of initially. He was intelligent and charming in a quirky and peculiar way. He had a quick wit and a wicked sense of humor, yet was serious and awkward at times. He was mature in so many ways yet childlike and silly out of the blue. He was so different than anything she had known and a welcomed change of pace. He was kind and passionate and made her feel so beautiful and desired. Weeks went on and each day was better than the next. They spent hours talking and building a friendship. His embrace seemed genuine and comforting and despite the challenges they both faced as they each approached their own crossroads, they seemed to be able to share romantic moments with a true connection. 

She was always skeptical and never truly trusting, yet with him she made a conscious effort to be different. Opening her heart and sharing her deepest thoughts, she let him in and in turn he seemed to do the same. Life was a breath of fresh air; silly laughter, witty banter, smiles and gentle touch. If there was a way to stop the ticking clocks to stay within the moments of complete calm and passion with him she would have done it.

As more time passed and they each approached different variations of road blocks life presented them, things began to change. She and her feelings for him only grew, but yet the distance seemed much greater. Almost overnight he grew distant. He no longer called to say good morning.  Pursuit of her and wanting her company was halted. She felt saddened by the lack of care and communication. She felt as if she were an anchor, unwanted, attached and needy. At night she would gaze at the lines in the vintage plaster on her apartment ceiling thinking about what is was that she was doing wrong. What about her was not enough? She was sure that most women at some point feel this when someone pulls away, but yet she felt like her situation was unique. A thought that she now realizes is so cliché.  

Finally, addressing the situation with him, she learned that it was he who was struggling, afraid of taking a leap or reaching another level. Intimacy and connection was seemingly suffocating to him, while to her it was what she has always longed for in a relationship. It was companionship to her and the companionship he claimed to desire; an understanding and mutual respect that was what she had always understood defined a healthy, committed relationship. 

As they continued on seeing each other, the moments were still great, yet the time together was much less frequent. She heard from him less and less and the worry of what it all meant was at times overwhelming. The questions also grew inside. What was she fighting for or holding on to? Why didn’t he care? What was wrong with her? What did she not do that he needed? Why did she trust? 

As you read on I am sure that by now you are thinking this is just a typical girl meets boy story and classic drama, however this is not the point of this story and I will spare you any more lengthy detail. Out of every question that came to her mind, the one she never considered was perhaps the most important. How should I be treated? That is the question she should have been her main concern. She should have taken an inventory of her own self-worth.

On this morning, as she continued the routine of reluctantly opening her eyes, wiping off the crust from a deep sleep, she found the right question. Looking herself in the eye she was very much so aware. She was alert, focused, definite and sure that she was worth more than what she was receiving. For the first time empowerment had shaped her vision of herself and had shown her that she was beautiful. Beautiful physically, attractive in a classic sense, but also a beautiful spirit. She had a strong and loyal heart; a gentle and comforting touch; a passion that burned like a hearty fire; intelligence in both a traditional and unconventional way. She was driven and successful with limitless possibility. He was lucky. She deserved communication, his attention and loyalty, praise and comfort, love and passion. She deserved to give that to herself as well.

The tear that fell from her eye down her face and onto the counter was not a tear of sadness for the distance in the relationship she was in that she wished would reverse itself and become closeness. It was sadness for herself, that she had forgotten who she was and what she believed. It was disappointment that she was unable to see her own beauty and demand that she be treated better. It was the feeling of pain that she could not make someone love her and see that she was an asset and worth the effort. 

She brushed the streaks from the tears off of her face, brushed her teeth, took a shower and refused to look back. She vowed to never again forget who she was. She would never again forget to always be true to herself.

Exhausted and Contemplative

I have typed and erased this opening sentence five times. I don’t know how to start this one. I have way too many things bouncing around in my head and a very sensitive heart at the moment. Nothing is clear and free flowing. Everything is jumbled, blurry, emotional, frustrating. 

I came across the quote pictured here on the right on Facebook yesterday. It is a concept we all know but forget often. I let interactions with others and failed expectations dictate my emotional state. I forget to show myself love for who I am and respect to not let people treat me poorly. I turn a blind eye to things and make excuses for people who do not give me the time and attention I deserve.

Life is so transitional for me these days and the constant work on my outlook, insecurities, fears, history, situations and relationships is difficult and exhausting. I am unsettled and unbalanced, but I am not stagnant. I am working at finding happiness, not letting my anxiety become a permanent excuse and disability. I am struggling, over emotional, worried, and at times pessimistic, but I am really trying to pull myself out of it all and gain a stronger, healthier and positive perspective. I want to be better. I want to be loved and get the attention I really deserve. I want to be able to love back.

After a very hurtful and upsetting afternoon yesterday, I was left exhausted and contemplative. I thought about what I really deserve. I deserve love. True, non-judgmental, unanticipated love that is natural and not something I have to fight for. Straight from the heart, without question, loyal and compassionate with only the best intentions. I deserve respect, shown in ways of caring about the struggles I am facing, support throughout a process, faith that I will make a good choice, and trust that I will not hurt or let you down. I also deserve companionship. True companionship can only blossom out of strong communication. Companionship is more than just having fun with another person. It is anticipation of someone’s needs without them having to ask for something. It is being by their side when they get an award, go to an event, take a leap that scares the fuck out of them or a million other things that take place in their life that involves change or growth. It is calling them in the morning to tell them you miss their voice, or saying good night because you want to show you care. It is making time for them because you want to and because you want to make them aware that you are there. Companionship is more than just laughter and joking around. It is deeper than that.  

What do you deserve?

This past weekend someone asked me what my five year plan was. The question has really left me upset. Partly because knowing everything going on in my life and all the pain and transition I am working though, the question shouldn’t have been asked. But mostly because right now I am trying to make it one day at a time. I am starting over and working through a lot of change and I am trying to focus on the light very far off in the distance. I am working towards trusting and loving again and being more definite about what I want. I am working on family issues and anxieties that I do not want to dictate my life. I thought I had a five year plan five years ago, which did not include being divorced by 32, starting over financially, living in a tiny apartment and childless with practically no family. This was NOT my five year plan and just goes to show that making those types of plans isn’t worth anything.

We never know where we will be. We never know who we will meet and who we will fall in love with or who we will wish would love us back. We never know what friendships will fizzle out or stand the test of time. We have no way of knowing any of it. I hate the unknown, but not knowing any of this is out of my control. I am going to love hard, live hard, trust and be trusted, keeping those in my life who are truly deserving and living a positive and happy life. Life lesson for this week is love and respect yourself the way you want others to treat you.