I am not as bad as I thought...

Who wears false eyelashes and a push up bra to work out? Who puts makeup on before working up a sweat? I don't understand why some women feel like they have to have their boobs overflowing out of their shirts, bouncing all over the freaking place to feel attractive? My god, I thought this one girl was going to knock herself out with those giant fun bags flapping around her face so aggressively... 

And if you are wondering how I know that this is an intentional outfit choice, well that is easy... The constant looking around to see who is noticing is pretty much a dead give away... 

I'm sure plenty of guys are thankful for this woman and her need to wear revealing workout gear and maybe I'm a prude. I have better boobs than her by far but I am not at the gym to get looks or flaunt them. I actually never unleash them... I am a firm believer in keeping some things a mystery. 

I did realize the other day that I am not as fat or as unattractive as I thought. I was changing in a Marshall's dressing room and for the first time in a long time I saw myself as pretty. I was standing there in work slacks and a bra and noticed that I have hips, an ass, and am not half bad. I have confidence in myself more than I give myself credit for. I have been putting in the work and have been losing weight. I'm making progress and shouldn't be so hard on myself. 

My new motto is "I am not as bad as I thought, but am not as good as I know I can be." This is for my weight and general looks, but also for my attitude; my work; my relationships; my spirit. We can and should always strive to be out very best. If we have been given a second chance at life, we should try even harder. If we are presented with outstanding opportunities, we should seize the moments and try harder. We should always be the very best we can be and expect only what is realistic from everyone else. 

In need of a little bit of positivity and getting back to my affirmations:

I love to laugh: want to know the way in? Make me laugh. My friendships, relationships, everything is built upon and nurtured with humor. Sure I can be serious, but the way into my heart is humor. 

I am flexible: not talking about the bendy stretchy flexible... I am willing to change plans or try something new. I wasn't always... This is a relatively new concept for me that I am trying hard to build on and foster. 

I have an animated face: I have been told I have a rubber face. I can make incredibly strange faces and take some wickedly funny pictures. I also do voices. I am often embarrassed easily so I figure I might as well make a funny face and embarrass myself before anyone else can! 

Life is passing by quite rapidly so it is important to act swiftly, have fun and be the very best. 

The Story of a Bad Biological Father

The saga continues... My bio mom reached out to the cowardly sister of my bio father in an email after my two previous attempts were unanswered... This is what was sent back:

Cheryl - Erin did message me and you are correct, I was unaware that you had a child.  It did come as a shock and I realized that after moving away in 1982 to college in San Diego and then on to Washington D.C. that I was completely removed from anything that was going on in my brothers’ personal life during those years.  How nice that you have been able to reconnect with the child you gave up.  After a lot of thought about this unexpected news I have to be totally honest that whatever took place between you and my brother is between the two of you.  Whatever took place in his personal life after the two of you parted ways really does not involve you.  I am very close with my brother, see him often and he is doing really well.  There are two sides to every story and regardless of how he handled it with you 30 years ago or a few years ago; at this point in time the situation does not involve me.  Sorry but at this time I can not help or contact Erin.  

Take care, 

Susan  

I understand her defensiveness considering the news that her brother conceived a child and that I am around is sudden and unexpected. I get her apprehension to get involved and even slight skepticism considering she's never known I even existed. 

But this letter is lacking something that I couldn't put my finger on until now...it lack emotion. To me it comes across as void of compassion or heart. It is almost a business-like reply; cut and dry and robotic. It is sad to me that she couldn't even help me reconnect with him to get the answers I deserve.

It is mattering more and more to me to get the bastard to look me in the eyes and apologize for what he did to my bio mom. I am not looking for money or a father figure, I have that. I am looking for him to face the truth and acknowledge that he was irresponsible and that he should tell his family about me and who I am today. It is the least he could do for me. 

I never thought this would matter to me or would be my story. I never thought I would find out my biological father was a loser. It wasn't supposed to be my story. He was supposed to have wanted me as much as my bio mom, just wasn't able to raise a baby. He should have become a loving and successful man; someone to look up to and be proud of. Not a distant, unaccomplished coward with nothing but hollow promises of a meager figure. He shouldn't be such a bad person. 

I know I'm basically stomping my foot on the ground having a pity party for myself. Truth is I've gone 30 years without needing him for anything and I can go the rest of my life pretending he is dead just as easily. I am not who I am as a result of him. He was just a seed that gave me life and a chance to grow to be better than he could ever be. 

I feel the worst for my bio mom. She was an impressionable 17 year old who thought she was in love. She made a mistake and got pregnant. It happens. I can't fault her for it. She didn't deserve to go through the decision of giving me up for adoption by herself. She didn't deserve a partner in crime void of connection and full of shame. She never wanted that to be her story either. 

We never know what our story is going to be. We know how it starts but uncover the layers and blaze through the hurdles as we go on. Some people have abusive parents. Some don't have parents at all. Some kids have a stereotypical perfect home. You never know who you will become or what you'll have to face along the way. I never pictured my story would follow this script, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I am who I am and this story is a part of my life. 

On Being There

Sometimes the best help you can give someone is just being there. Sometimes it's just sitting still and being a positive presence that does the trick. Other times being a second opinion is the best thing. 

We all need help in different ways, and actually it depends on the situatuon. Occasionally I need someone to play the devils advocate; most of the time I need someone to listen while I talk something out. I really need someone to hold me accountable when I start slipping up. 

Today was a good day despite the tension and bizarre energy floating around. I realized today that it's not actually valuable to put your focus on making sure things go right at all times. There will ALWAYS be something that gets messed up or some setback. That is inevitable. The important things is focusing on how you handle the bumps in the road. Find a buddy and take a breather when you feel like you're drowning. Close your eyes and picture life beyond the chaos. Write a snappy email and delete it. 

I absolutely love what I do because of who I work with. I love the variance in projects and the constant stability that exists at the same time. But even loving my job as much as I do there will always be a day every now and then where nothing works out or work seems to pile up faster than I can produce. 

I know today that me just being there helped make someone's day better. I know I have an ally and a mentor. I know that I am needed as much as I need the camaraderie. 

I looked for my place for so long and never found a home. I am certain I have found that home. I am comfortable; happy; relieved; bonded. I am fucking appreciative! 

Everything in my life for the most part seems to be on the up and up and going so well right now... I'm sure I have disrupted the cosmic gods and have jinxed myself, but it has to be said. Hallelujah!! Happy happy happy! 

If my dad is out there guiding me I know he has a hand in all this. I feel him with his hand in my shoulders, pushing me into the right choices and deterring me from bad decisions. I know he has driven me to the right people and situations and has given me the strength to be brave. 

I have this walk for Alzheimer's coming up next weekend and I'm doing it alone. I was supposed to be doing it with my work but it fell through. But I'm not giving up and backing down from it. I committed to doing this for those who can't. One of my fears of aging is not being able to remember my father and his guidance; my loves and triumphs, my successes and failures, my past that makes me who I am. I want to always remember my work and will walk to honor that. 

Happiness is relative and something that should be treasured. I go into this weekend with an ear to ear smile, feeling full and knowing I have done well. 

There Can Be Only One

I am two different people in one body. In a complete contradiction. I am not sure how I ended up with two very distinct yet completely opposite personality traits, both equal parts that make up who I am. 

My alpha dog personality is a class clown, total ham, larger than life, attention hog who likes to make people laugh and craves the limelight. I love being goofy and take great pleasure in doing something stupid or outrageous to get a reaction. I love being funny if it makes others laugh and captures their attention. I constantly end up dominating a conversation when in a group setting, which is something I have to constantly be aware of to keep in check. 

I truly enjoy being the funniest, wittiest, craziest person in the room with the most charisma. I am a glutton for praise and really want to please and gain the accolades as a result. 

I'll fight a compliment instead of taking it graciously, but don't be confused by this - I love compliments. I need them. I love hearing I'm great at something, that I'm helpful, pretty, funny, a good person, etc. I love the praise I just can't help it. I also have a bit of an ego and have a hard time messing up. When I am corrected on something I take it hard; really fucking hard. Mistakes are not an option in my book. I strive for perfection and ride myself to always do better. 

My reserved, shy counterpart is afraid of speaking up, especially around louder, stronger, more educated or qualified individuals. I fear the unknown more than my own death and hate being alone. I am insecure, have horrible stage fright, am plagued by constant anxiety, and need reassurance with everything. 

I am indecisive with almost everything, even down to what to have for dinner. I am quiet and hold back my ideas even if they are really good. I want to take part in activities and groups but don't because I don't want to do it alone. I never feel pretty enough, smart enough, qualified or deserving. I hide a good portion of my personality as a defense mechanism. I am a rule follower and conservative because it's safe.

How is it that I am made up of two opposite people? How did I become passive and aggressive at the same time? I often think I should just pick the side of me I like the best and be that and only that. Otherwise it's too confusing and too much work!

I went to a Katy Perry concert last night. Man is she pretty and totally talented. In between songs she talked to the crowd, boosting energy getting everyone pumped up. She had so much authority and confidence in her voice, which I truly admired. She was so polished and precise; really had her routine down to a fine science. I want to emulate her strength and assurance. I want to show I am that confident in myself and really mean it. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

 I'm so fucking tired it's ridiculous. I just want to say how I feel and be me for me. I want to be upfront and follow my heart without looking back. 

 

On Giving Notice

Sorry it's been so long. I have been a bit uninspired and slightly under the weather. I think of a million things to write about throughout my day and then when it comes time to blog, I just can't get the words out the right way. 

Recently we had an employee put their 2 weeks notice in randomly, completely out of nowhere. It is always a bit of a shock when someone decides to leave, but this was especially shocking because this employee  was a yes man, company guy all the way. He acted like everything was great on the surface, but had other feelings bubbling under the surface. 

The whole situation really stuck with me. It brings up the concept of loyalty. I keep thinking how could someone act so loyal and all about the company, really in it for the long haul, and it all be an act? How could someone keep in feelings of unhappiness and pretend it's all fine? How could it be so easy to shirk responsibility and have no loyalty to a company who gave them a chance? 

I think I am part of a dying breed; one with strong work ethic and a deep understanding of right and wrong. I may not know everything, I sure as hell am not an expert on budgeting, return on investment, or sales strategies, but that can be taught if the person is willing and smart enough. You can't teach heart. You can't teach someone how to be loyal if it's not in their nature. 

This man is a taker and while he may have reasons beyond unhappiness that drove his decision to leave, the fact that it was done so dishonestly is a shame and doesn't warrant any respect. Very few people, if any, have the front row seat that I have to the daily struggles and issues our boss, our fearless leader, has to deal with. I'm not sure anyone realizes how hard he works to make sure the ship sails smoothly and that everyone is happy. If they did they would be more understanding and loyal. 

Of course we all have independent goals and want to get ahead. That is a good thing. But you can't put yourself so far ahead that you forget about the loyalty it takes to get to the finish line. Accomplishment is only partly because of you; it is also a result of teamwork and people believing in you enough to give you the chance.

I had a feeling from the start that this guy was a total ass hat. He was overly aggressive from the get go, always trying to take over projects that he had no business being involved in, always pushing his way into the forefront of what he considered important.

People should be more aware of their personality they show to people. He was a guy who would only listen to you talk until he was no longer interested - basically until he was done expressing his  thought process. He considered hi self way more important than he was, a real Napoleon complex. He was assertive in all the wrong ways and came across as  disingenuous most of the time. 

I really wanted to like him and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. But lack of loyalty is where I draw the line. He set an example for myself and any others who paid attention - be honest with your intentions. Live and be real. Work hard and dedicate yourself to earn respect. Do good work and be a good person and good things will come to you.

It made me realize that I am very capable and can go very far because I have heart. I have commitment and respect and gain the same in return. You don't come on to a situation demanding those things, you work hard and earn them. 

What Kinda Woman Am I?

I haven't written in a few days. I've been exhausted from three days of purging old files in my office to make room for current paperwork. It's a project that is long overdue, but it was a nightmare to work through. It seems on the surface like no-brainer work, and it really is. But it was physically painful. I must really be old and fat because I am sore from bending down and moving boxes of heavy files. I'm exhausted and my allergies are in overdrive.

Worst of all I ruined my gel manicure! Honestly that's the most frustrating part of it all. I'm an idiot for getting my nails done the weekend before I know I'm going to be doing this manual labor...

This disappointment I feel regarding my nails makes me recognize I'm way more girly than I thought. And I'm fine with that! It doesn't need to be hidden any more that I love manicures, waxing my eyebrows, massages, facials, shopping and shoes. It is okay to fill the stereotypical role of a female. As long as I'm true to myself and I'm happy.

I am also part tomboy still and will never lose that quality of my personality...hopefully. I discovered recently that like football a lot and I'm quite competitive. I also am very protective and can also be a bit crass, always in a friendly was of course. I have a love for dirty jokes and toilet conversation. And that's okay...

Who is to determine what are the "right" or "wrong" personality traits for a woman? I would like to think I am well rounded and can be friends with or associated with anyone because of my diverse interests.

All I know is I am who I am and I'm not going to change that. Only thing I'm changing is the excess weight on my body and my chipped nail polish! 

It's Your Funeral

Most people do not consider their own mortality often or picture their own funeral. I never did until my father passed away. And I definitely never thought about it on a regular basis until I started working at a cemetery and mortuary.

Death is all around me daily and it's hard not to think about my own finality when I see it all the time as much as I do. Today was one of those days that really got me thinking. We had a funeral for a very notable figure in our community that brought in 800+ people. 800?!? I don't think I even know 100 people, especially not that many who give a shit about me enough to attend a ceremony honoring my departure to the afterlife! 

If I were to die today what would people say about me? Who would be there for my family or in my honor? Would I make a ripple in the community or would I pass away as quickly as any other day? 

I would hope to have only loving, kind and respectful people there to lay me to rest and speak stories of my humor and lust for life. I would hope my accomplishments and personal triumphs would be accurately characterized...wait?!? What are those accomplishments? 

I am left with a deep feeling of needing to do more. A need to live harder and more fulfilled. Live safely yet freely as if your last breath is moments away. Live and love deeply with purpose. I want to volunteer more. I want to pursue education, passion, and be an inspiration. I may not have monetary riches, but I can give motivation and encouragement and help to inspire. I can give my time and my heart. 

If I were at my own funeral I would talk about my heart. I would tell everyone the deep love I had for them and how my need to always do more came from my desire to help and to please. I wish for my family to know how dear they are to me and how thankful I am to have so many who care for me. I wish for my friends to know how I am who I am because of their support. I want my husband to know I am so thankful for such a good partner and best friend. That even if we fight or feel like we hate each other at times, he is my rock and has done a good job showing me his love. I want anyone in my life that I've connected with to know that they mean everything to me and that I feel every day lucky to be surrounded by such funny, witty, kind, caring and talented people who hold a place in my heart. 

If it were my funeral I would want everyone to know confidently that I am grateful for their love. And of course I would expect several dick, fart and "that's what grandma said" jokes!

Hurry the Fuck Up

I've been drug free for 10 years, smoke free for 3.5 years and alcohol free for almost 6 months. I can't help but reflect on the past these days, thinking about what my priorities were years ago and how different they are today. My motivation used to be so momentary; I looked forward a few hours, maybe a day or two at the most. Now I look ahead in terms of years. I look at my future decisions and the impact things will have in the long term.

I used to really want to escape expectations. I hated people thinking highly of me because I didn't want to disappoint by not living up to their high hopes for my success. I wanted to disappear and feel only the energetic wave of some good music and the high of a stiff drink washing away my fears and insecurities. I lived for fun and avoided trying in any capacity.

In looking back I do not hate who I used to be. I hate that I do not hate who I was. I miss the fun; the perpetual party; the feelings of carefree silliness. I miss the ease of my past life. If I had it my way I would be playing pool every night drinking a pitcher of ice cold beer, eating pizza, listening to classic rock, going to shows, and watching Beavis and Butthead...

But I'm a big kid now and I have to convince myself that knowing what I know now after all I have experienced, that life would not be as fun. So then what's the fucking middle ground? 

Living a sober life is so much harder than I thought, which scares me greatly. I never knew I had this much of an issue until I took alcohol out of my life for good. I quit drugs because drugs are bad, we all know this. I quit smoking because I didn't want to end up with a cancerous hole in my neck and was smoking 2 packs a day for several years. I quit drinking because it made me depressed- not because I had a problem...or so I thought...

I am currently have a tough ass time with it, especially with socializing. I am lacking motivation to go out to a bar. Even dinner is difficult. I think about the sweat beads of perspiration on the side of a cold pint of Stella Artois every Friday afternoon when I think about where to go for date night dinner. I randomly smell a captain and ginger in the air out of nowhere and I often reminisce mentally about the fun I used to have. I'm realizing that alcohol was a much bigger part of my life than I recognized. 

When I quit smoking I didn't replace the behavior with something positive. Rather I just stopped doing much of what I enjoyed and I think that as a result I had a harder time with it. I feel like I'm going through that emotional roller coaster all over again, which shows me how much alcohol affected me chemically.

But what do I do now? How do I start this phase of a healthier life? I keep telling myself it will get easier at some point...I just wish it would hurry the fuck up! 

Love the life you live and let everyone know it!

Today was a good day. Not necessarily a special day; nothing happened that was incredible or out of the ordinary. Just an all purpose good day. A day that reminds me how lucky I am.

It's been a hectic few weeks at work and within my personal life. It's nice to have a day like today where everything runs smoothly and moods are positive, even comical.

I need positivity and humor in my life to feel balanced, we know this about me. So when a day feels productive and is also full of laughs it's a considerable accomplishment. 

I realized today that I am not just lucky - I am luckier than most...sorry...but it's true. I am lucky because I work for a company that does something good and kind for families when they are suffering, struggling and at their lowest. I am lucky because I work with a group of quirky, interesting folk who are non-confrontational and relatively drama free...or I should say drama free with me. My job is satisfying; I like what I do and enjoy it even more when I know I've produced quality work or made people happy. And most importantly, I can be myself. I can be my crazy, slightly insane, sometimes moody, silly self and I am not asked to be different or stifle what makes me who I am. I am lucky because I love my day in and day out and honestly do not want to be anywhere else.

Sure it's not always a walk in the park or fun and silliness. Some times I go home feeling down or upset, but there is no such thing as a perfect job where you do not have a bad day every now and then. I know there will be better days like the one I had today and hope that there are more good than bad. 

I wish I knew how to better vocalize how appreciative I am. I'm very good at dodging emotional connection and avoid a hug like the plague. But truth be told I really am not as uncomfortable as I once was showing that I care. I totally fucking care!! I spent a lot of time in my past acting like I was too cool to care or show that I feel strongly about the things that really matter. I am a team player and it's okay to wear a dedicated, passionate heart on your sleeve. 

At the end of my day there was someone grumbling around with a snappy attitude. A pissy disposition like that usually ruins my day, however today that just wasn't an option. It wasn't worth ruining such a pleasant day for someone I don't even work with directly anymore. It isn't worth joining him in his bad mood. I'm going to go out on top and ride the high of my happy day knowing I am appreciated as much as I appreciate all that I'm given.

I see it every day - life is too short to get stuck in the muck. It isn't worth it. Connect and work hard and make a good life for yourself. Do subtle things to show your appreciation or come out and say it. Speak freely and be receptive. Love the life you live and let everyone know it!

I am creative - I like making something out of nothing in a good way. I like to build and construct with creativity. I am artistic and colorful. I make pretty pictures for a living. 

I really want to help - I want to better the lives of others and make a difference. I genuinely care and even if I'm busy I will stop what I'm doing to help someone out. 

I can have dinner with the president - I have class (although I may not always show it). I know when to say please and thank you and am someone who will make you look good and never embarrass. My dad didn't raise no fool! 

Strategic Recklessness

The whole point of this blog was to write about my struggles and successes both past and current. I feel I have strayed a bit as a result of day to day life stuff and need to refocus. I will shed some light on a side to me that I show to only those I'm really close with. My wild side.

Now I have definitely calmed down over the years, but I will never lose a goofiness to my personally. I will always be a bit wild and strategically recklessness. Very few people see the full extent of my silliness, especially since I've been sober. But it's in there; waiting until the time is right to strike.

I love to sing badly in crazy voices to the radio but will never do it to an audience. I love to pretend I'm a white rapper from the dirty South and car dance to pop music teenage girls listen to. I used to be a raving candy kid and that love of wicked electronic beats has never left.

I make voices and sing to my dogs off key on purpose almost daily, making up lyrics relating to them. I send my friends pictures of me making crazy/ugly faces almost daily. I will randomly bust out a purposefully obnoxious dance to amuse. I practice accents and voice over work when no one is around for no reason other than personal enjoyment.

I hold back the silly side to me because I'm afraid I'm going to be judged, but truth be told I absolutely love that side to me. I like to laugh and love to make others feel good.

Completely embarrassing to admit, I can do an impression of Elmo and Kermit the Frog spot on. I used to do it all the time and at one point recorded my voicemail greeting as Elmo. I was and still am one of the biggest nerds you'll ever meet; thing is I used to be ashamed of it but now I embrace it. Cause I'm dead sexy...haha I kid, I kid.

This leads me to my daily affirmations: 

I am young at heart - I may grow old in years but will never lose my silliness. I'm a joker from way back and will never forget how to laugh or take myself and life too seriously. 

I have sex appeal - I am not sexy. I'm not graceful or elegant or drop dead gorgeous. I have been told I have sex appeal, which is different. It's a combination of intelligence, beauty and intrigue. I don't know if I quite believe this one just yet, but maybe putting it in writing will help.

I try - I don't sit around and wait in hope that life will happen. I am realistic and recognize that it takes work. I put my mind to something and do whatever it takes to make it happen. If I want it I'll get it. I get things done!

I need to visualize my former crazy self and harness that a little bit more in my life, with strategic recklessness, carefully planned and executed craziness. I gotta remember to have fun!

A Little Boring...A Little More Hippie Than I Thought

I have lost my edge. I lost it somewhere without even realizing it. I noticed the other day that I am into things I used to despise and swore I would never enjoy. I may actually be boring!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint or a prude; I'll never be compared to Mother Theresa! I still appreciate a good dick joke or "that's what grandma said." I am still a gutter mind disguised in a dress. But I'm SO much more conservative; more subdued than my former years.

I am basically a purist minus the caffeine. I don't smoke (anything); don't drink alcohol; don't do drugs; work out every day or try to; try to eat healthy; don't really go to bars and if I do I'm still home by 10...I wake up at 5 am daily and consider sleeping in until 8 am an accomplishment. I enjoy time at home and the mellow life I live. Holy shit...I'm fucking boring! 

I'm okay with it though...I like being in control. I hate temptation. I am afraid if what I cannot anticipate with certainty. Am I living a limited life based on my fears or am I just living the way I should as I get older?

I think as years have gone by and my priorities have changed it's been harder and harder to make new friends. Friends with similar goals and understanding. I have a fantastic core group of friends and am so thankful for that. I am afraid that as we all get busier and life advances we will all see each other less and less. I hope not. I don't think I have it in me to start again. I've been down this road too many times. 

Nothing makes me happier than knowing someone really gets me- that there is a genuine connection and a mutual respect and admiration for one another. I don't want to lose those I have in my life today; rather build on those relationships and connect on a deeper level. 

If we do not know our purpose for being on this planet in this world the least we can do is live a happy life and love more. You will know it if I love you and I hope you'll show it back. 

I'm still a bit crass and immature at heart; I just have a little more hippie in me than I though (or maybe cared to admit) and there's nothing wrong with it. If being a boring, loving hippieish person equals happiness then so be it.