Hurry the Fuck Up

I've been drug free for 10 years, smoke free for 3.5 years and alcohol free for almost 6 months. I can't help but reflect on the past these days, thinking about what my priorities were years ago and how different they are today. My motivation used to be so momentary; I looked forward a few hours, maybe a day or two at the most. Now I look ahead in terms of years. I look at my future decisions and the impact things will have in the long term.

I used to really want to escape expectations. I hated people thinking highly of me because I didn't want to disappoint by not living up to their high hopes for my success. I wanted to disappear and feel only the energetic wave of some good music and the high of a stiff drink washing away my fears and insecurities. I lived for fun and avoided trying in any capacity.

In looking back I do not hate who I used to be. I hate that I do not hate who I was. I miss the fun; the perpetual party; the feelings of carefree silliness. I miss the ease of my past life. If I had it my way I would be playing pool every night drinking a pitcher of ice cold beer, eating pizza, listening to classic rock, going to shows, and watching Beavis and Butthead...

But I'm a big kid now and I have to convince myself that knowing what I know now after all I have experienced, that life would not be as fun. So then what's the fucking middle ground? 

Living a sober life is so much harder than I thought, which scares me greatly. I never knew I had this much of an issue until I took alcohol out of my life for good. I quit drugs because drugs are bad, we all know this. I quit smoking because I didn't want to end up with a cancerous hole in my neck and was smoking 2 packs a day for several years. I quit drinking because it made me depressed- not because I had a problem...or so I thought...

I am currently have a tough ass time with it, especially with socializing. I am lacking motivation to go out to a bar. Even dinner is difficult. I think about the sweat beads of perspiration on the side of a cold pint of Stella Artois every Friday afternoon when I think about where to go for date night dinner. I randomly smell a captain and ginger in the air out of nowhere and I often reminisce mentally about the fun I used to have. I'm realizing that alcohol was a much bigger part of my life than I recognized. 

When I quit smoking I didn't replace the behavior with something positive. Rather I just stopped doing much of what I enjoyed and I think that as a result I had a harder time with it. I feel like I'm going through that emotional roller coaster all over again, which shows me how much alcohol affected me chemically.

But what do I do now? How do I start this phase of a healthier life? I keep telling myself it will get easier at some point...I just wish it would hurry the fuck up!