On Moving

I have been told that my best posts are when I am raw and vulnerable. Well here is where I am right now. I am feeling down. Feeling low. I am scared. Sensitive. Vulnerable.

I am sure a good portion of this is hormonal, but there is a healthy amount of insecurity and the feeling of being uncared for on top of it. But I am the only one to blame for feeling a lack of care. I don't exactly ask for help. But God damn it today I really needed it!!! I really needed to be a priority and should have said as much. I should have been more demanding of the time I needed. I needed someone to be there for me. Be available. I just didn't ask. I just tell everyone I'm fine. 

I am laying here down in the dumps and it's all my fault. I did it again. I had high expectations because I held on to something that was said most likely as casual, wishful conversation, but in my mind I made it a binding agreement. I was under the impression this vacation would be more eventful than it is. And as a result of getting my hopes up I am laying here in a hoodie and sweat pants feeling sorry for myself. 

I feel like I'm always there when people feel bad. I'll rearrange my schedule to go out of my way to make someone feel better or make sure they know they aren't alone. I wish I had that. But again, no one asked me to be so available. I did that to myself. 

I am having a hard time, totally anxious and overwhelmed with this move. I want to go to sleep and wake up to a packed apartment ready to move. I want to feel some peace, tranquility and stability of a consistent routine again. I want to get away and have a moment to breathe. I want clarity in my chaotic mind. I want so much for a happy life and am willing to work hard for it. Hard work that pays off, a successful career, a supportive and loving partner, fairytale romantic getaways, a happy family, deep belly laughter - a happy life. If everything happens for a reason this is the greatest test for me. It's my lesson to learn in patience, trust, letting go and being flexible. It is also a lesson to find my new voice and strength. 

The move this time has really affected me. This one is hard to get through. Life is much harder than anyone ever tells you it will be. I am moving physically to a new home or as much a home as I can make it, and I am moving in emotional directions as well. I am letting the control go, being myself and putting it all out there, raw, exposed and completely me. I am terrified. I throw my hands up, close my eyes, and enjoy the crazy ride.