I am definitely an only child. I am SO inflexible when it comes to change or things going differently from what I had envisioned. I just had a thought provoking conversation with someone that touched on expectations and breaking promises. Both are heavy topics in my life. I have made it too easy to break promises to myself these past few months. Even promises as simple as shortchanging my time at the gym or driving all the way out to Brentwood to go to a Cardio Barre class then turning around and going home because I “worked hard” that day. Every time I break a promise to myself I am let down and lower my opinion of myself. And in doing so it affects my relationships and interactions with other people.
I also set my expectations for myself and other people WAY too high. I expect things to go exactly how I imagine them or got my heart set on, which is a recipe for being consistently let down and upset. I know I am putting myself in a negative space emotionally by doing this. The thought just occurred to me – what makes me so special that everyone should do things exactly how I want them to be done or think of me in the way I think I should be cared for? What obligation do people have to be a friend the same way I am to them? Just because I put 100% into my friendships does not necessarily mean they should as well. And while I’m conducting an honest examination of my life, I don’t know if I really am putting 100% into my friendships as I should be. There are several friends I have flaked on and neglected and have absolutely no good reason for it other than selfishness and laziness.
To be completely honest, this is what is getting me down. It is truly selfish and quite ridiculous that this is the trivial issue that is plaguing me at the moment. But in an effort to expel these negative feelings and be honest, I will share with you…
I really hate when plans are changed on me. I hate when things break out of the normal, anticipated cycle. I am very selfish about my time with people I really want to be with and when things are changed up on me I shut down and go to an “all or nothing” way of thinking. I feel unimportant; unwanted; unrecognized. I am sure that isn’t that case (or maybe it really is), and I know it is a completely unhealthy way to feel. I believe it comes from being that only child that was loved so deeply and given so much. I was given all the attention and rarely had to share. I always had both my parents’ attention and was entertained constantly. I was not left wanting and am very grateful for all the things my parents provided for me as a result of their hard work and dedication to family. I was the top priority for so long that I know nothing else.
This may be true for when I was a child, but I am a 31 year old adult with a hell of a lot of life experience and a good head on my shoulders. I should know better than to be this way. Expectations set too high equal constant let down. I am no more special than anyone else and I am no more deserving of someone’s time. Plans change. People get busy. Time is always marching along. Things come up. Flexibility and adaptation to unexpected changes are mandatory for a happy existence. I’m no longer a child with all the attention and focus on me. The world does not revolve around Erin.
Instead, my focus should be on keeping promises to myself and having more realistic expectations for my capabilities, my future, and the people around me. I hope that I can really learn to quiet this anxious unrest in my heart and settle into living a life where I trust the people I choose to keep close. I hope I find some harmonious balance and understanding for the fluctuation in life.
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