It has been quite a while since I blogged. Since February to be exact. Reading through my past entries nothing seems quite as important or dramatic as it did then, especially given the series of events that have occurred in my life the past several months. The desire to write has escaped me. Creativity and motivation have been lacking. That is until today. Today my emotions that have been bottled up and stuff down deep within a part of my mind that I tried so desperately to close off have surfaced. I can't continue to push them away or use momentary conversation and time filler activities to stifle what I feel inside. I can't pretend that I do not feel bad or scared or anxious any longer.
Last year I decided it was time for Tom and I to separate. After being together 12 long years I no longer recognized who I had become. I am no longer the 19 year old dreamer lacking direction and goals. I am no longer the child living in the moment, spending money frivolously on copious amounts of alcohol and long evenings with friends at a dive bar shooting pool. I am no longer the girl living in the moment, even if the moment was not worth living in. I am 31 years old, responsible, driven, dedicated to higher education, inspired by personal growth and possibilities. I want a family, a home, security, an equal partnership, passion and romance, and unconditional love. Tom and I are not who we once were as young kids.
Life has not been easy for us. My dad passed away when I was 20. He was everything to me. My inspiration and my best friend. He was my hero. Tom stood by my side when most of my friend disappeared. When the weight of knowing my father was never coming back finally hit me, Tom was there to hold me up. He was my guiding light and the strength for both of us to keep life going. He was my glue.
Today, 11 years after my dad passed away I am a stronger woman. I have regained the strength I lost when he passed away and have goals I am working towards. I have a great amount of drive and work hard for what I want. I have become a motivated, professional with a solid head on my shoulders and a need to succeed. In all this work to better myself and grow I grew apart from the joint goals Tom and I shared. I grew apart from him and we no longer had any passion. We no longer had any romance. We did not share the same goals and had to come to terms with the fact that we were really just friends.
I tell you all this not to gain your sympathy or pity, but simply to purge the pit in my stomach and the aching on my heart. I am writing this selfishly for me, but perhaps it may help you too. I realized through all this that we never really know what is going on in someones life. They could be struggling with their own failed marriage or some other life-altering decision but not feel comfortable sharing it with the world. So here I am - putting it all out there.
I filed for divorce on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It was a complete coincidence, but if you are like me, you believe there is no such thing as a coincidence. A new, fresh start to a new year. I can't begin to tell you how scary this is. Today is Yom Kippur and I am really struggling. Today is especially difficult. I am sad. Very fucking sad. Today I am mourning a loss of not only my marriage, but also my father and as a result of his passing the loss of my family. No one is together anymore. There was no where to break the fast. I am sitting alone at home, writing a blog, breaking the fast by myself. The irony of this entire situation is my greatest fear has always been being completely alone. The thought of being alone has given me anxiety. I am uncomfortable in silence. Yet I chose to end my marriage and accept a life of solitude.
On Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, I am asking for forgiveness to my friends who I have neglected as a result of being unhappy. I ask for forgiveness from my family who I have distanced myself from since my dad passed away. I ask for forgiveness from my mom who I know I have let down by getting divorced. And I ask Tom for forgiveness for giving up on our marriage by leaving.
I know there are better days ahead of me and a life of happiness. This is but a moment in time, and like the other blog entries I wrote, this too will seem inconsequential in the years to come as time passes by. It is all about perspective.
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