All In Good Time

I am all moved in, minus a few miscellaneous items at the old place. I should feel good about being moved in, unpacked, set up. I am very thankful for my friends who have helped me. This process has been difficult and I finally recognize why. The last move in my mind was always temporary. I never got settled in because I knew I wouldn't be there forever. But I never really considered forever at all... I am on my own, for real, and it is permanent. 

I am unpacked mostly with a home set up, thanks to two awesome friends. But I am feeling a great amount of anxiety and to be completely honest, want to be anywhere but here in my new home all alone. I've been asked why I am so open in my blog, and part of it is that it is a therapeutic process. Another part is that maybe there is someone out there struggling in a similar way who needs to know they aren't alone. And lastly, I have read several blogs that lack a realness and don't show the ugly, low, gritty, difficult parts of life. I want to read that. I want to show that. Because it's real and everyone has hardship at some point. I rarely verbalized this to my friends or family, so writing in a blog is safe. I can't see who reads it. I don't know if I'm being judged. But it's real. All me. Out there on the table. 

So how am I feeling? Anxious. Sad. Scared shitless. Because I'm really alone. I'm starting over and it's so damn scary. And I'm not good alone. This place, set up nicely with all my artwork and nicknacks hanging on the walls and books on the shelves, still feels empty. I need to find the warmth to add to it.I need to make it a home. 

I wish I didn't have this anxious pit in my stomach, which I can only describe as similar to a homesickness a kid feels the first few nights at sleep away camp. It's not that I miss my parents, but I miss companionship. I miss normalcy. I miss a stable routine. This home not being a home yet leaves me scared and still and unmotivated. I just keep telling myself it will get better; easier; less of a struggle. I reassure myself that in a day or so I will no longer cry or feel a nagging emptiness. I will find my groove and get back on track. In time. All in good time.

To end things on a more positive note, my cleverly arranged quaint kitchen with its funky shelves and chalk board wall, has inspired me to want to learn how to cook. I want to fill my house with sweet smells of delicious meals. I want to bring joy to a home and into my life.