Biological Father

This is Mike. He is my biological father. Mike and I met a few years ago and are starting to build a friendship. Many of you may not know that I was adopted at birth. I was given an incredible childhood full of love, education, silliness, and adventure. My dad was everything to me and will always be the only father I have.

Mike and I started talking a few years ago when I reached out to him curious about the other person responsible for my creation. Lately he has taken an interest in being an active participant in my life and is making the effort to get to know me.

My intention with this entry is not to showcase Mike, but to vent the feelings I had following lunch with him yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. I can't seem to say that enough. I know the first holiday after a divorce is difficult, but this may be the hardest part of yesterday for me. I met Mike for lunch on Yom Kippur. I know, I should have been fasting... bad Jew! But it was the only time we could meet before he left for a three week trip to Italy and he really wanted to see me before he left. We met for a late lunch at a cute cafe and had a wonderful time catching up, telling stories of who we were in the past, laughing and smiling. It was a very pleasant afternoon. He made it very clear that he wanted to be a part of my life and get involved. I should be happy.

But I left feeling deeply saddened by the fact that it was lunch with my biological father instead of my dad who raised me, was my best friend, and was not here with me anymore. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart that I haven't felt in a very long time. I felt the void of him being gone ripping me apart and reminding me that the one person I want to be there for me throughout this period of transition in my life is just not able to. I was again very aware of his absence and my heart hurt so much. Driving home over Laurel Canyon I could hardly catch my breath. I couldn't stop the tears and couldn't get past the emptiness. I was back to where I was 11 years ago; angry that he is gone too soon and asking why this had to happen.

The whole weekend has been very emotional. I make light of a lot of things and diffuse uncomfortable situations with humor in order to deflect any real emotion if its something I don't want to feel. Going to temple was something important to my father and so I went in his honor. The Kol Nidre service starting Yom Kippur was a service he and I used to attend together. It was tradition and I promised to continue that. So I went. But it was not without bringing up emotions that I haven't felt in years and left me sleepless and saddened, saying into the darkness of my bedroom at 1:30 in the morning "I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to see me as a woman. I'm sorry you didn't get to see me truly happy. I'm sorry you are not here."

I try not to talk about him too much and try not to be that girl that walks around with a chip on her shoulder; that girl who everyone is afraid to talk about their parents around in fear that it will make me feel bad that I am missing one of my own. I don't want to seem broken or damaged because I am not. I am just hurt and I am surviving and throughout all this I have come to realize the grieving process never ends. It gets easier to maintain and to process emotions, but you are always grieving the loss if it is a love so great and so important that living life without them is not the same.

I am lucky that my biological father wants to be in my life and look forward to years of getting to know one another. But I am sad at the same time that my father who could not see how much of an impact he made on my life and how his imprint will be with me forever. I can only live in his honor and be the best person I can and hope that his spirit is out there somewhere, watching me with a smile on his face.

Maybe It's Me

One thing that really pisses me off is lack of communication. It's so frustrating when someone is clearly affected by something and instead of addressing the issues or even acknowledging it, they just isolate. No awareness for how they affect those around them. They may not purposefully be distant, distracted, crabby, argumentative, what have you, but they are and that takes a toll on those around them. Especially those who care to help. So many people do this!

Being a naturally more emotional person, I am more greatly affected by these types of people. I hate feeling shut out by them feeling shut down. I don't deserve that. No one does. Internalizing isn't healthy; I should know from years of experience.

I have little tolerance for stupid at the moment. Of course I will not be outright bitchy to someone because they aren't doing things right or have limited comprehension; but inside I want to scream. I hate having to do twice the work to make up for some one's shortcomings or inability to listen.

But feeling like complete shit because communication is void and you're left in the dark feeling like you did something to deserve being shut out is way worse. Wondering why you are being treated so coldly and what changed in the course of a day sucks. Some one's bad mood taken out on you even if by lack of communication is the absolute worst. 

I may be shy to speak my opinion or new idea, but I will always tell you how I feel. You may not like what I have to say, but I'll never leave you hanging. I will let my bad days show; I am not perfect. But you will know if it is you or not that caused it because I will tell you. If I fuck up, tell me I fucked up. If you are upset be upfront. 

Maybe I'm doing things wrong - maybe I'm reading into things. Maybe I'm more observant to things people aren't even aware they are putting out there. Maybe they don't care about me as much as I think. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe quiet time isn't a bad thing. Maybe I'm being a little kid feeling a lack of attention. Maybe it's me. 

I wish my mind would shut up and shut down and stop worrying. Stop working so hard; stop sabotaging my self esteem. I wish, I wish, I wish for more communication...

Rules of Conversation

There are certain things that in my opinion that should be a standard in every one's behavior. Certain ways of acting in public towards others that is kind and respectful. These standards should be universal and not debatable or subject to interpretation. Please note that no names will be used in examples provided or situations described. You can use your imagination and insert any character into the roles portrayed.

First, one should never say something that mocks or insults a person’s lunch. For example, one shouldn't say "you really shouldn't eat processed food like that. You’re never going to lose weight eating that." Or "you are really going to eat that for lunch?" It is incredibly rude and makes people feel like they should go eat in a corner, away from those offended by the lunch selection. Why do they even give a shit what I'm eating for lunch? It's my stomach digesting my processed food and my body that is affected by my choice. Get a life!

Second, one should refrain from making snarky comments that are intended to be digs or pot shots. Everyone has something they are displeased with or bothered by, but if no one asks for your opinion, it is best not to share it. An example of this distasteful behavior would be a situation like this… Let’s say you go into the communal kitchen every day and have to clean up and put away the used blender that is taking up the entire sink. While you are struggling to clean this nasty blender full of smoothie remnants someone walks over to you and says, “oh that is so-and-so who left that in there. We were shaking today…” casually like it is no big deal. To which you reply, “so-and-so should clean it and put it back so everyone can use the sink to wash their dishes.” I would consider this replay a normal and polite way of asking someone to be a responsible adult and clean up their mess. Now here comes the rude part…after listening to the reply, this person then walks down the hall to the so-and-so responsible for making the mess and says loud enough for you to hear “so-and-so, you better clean up the blender after you use it or you’ll be in trouble.” I would expect a catty teenage girl to act like this but an adult should know better. Starting trouble or stirring the pot is not a hobby and just makes a person look like they are without any manners, good upbringing or respect. 

Third, one should never think that their pictures from their weekend hike or their story about current events is more important that what another person is saying. Everyone has a right to talk and a conversation is made up of two equal parts; speaking and listening. Neither are optional and one should not be done more than the other. Both equal. For example, if two people are conversing about their weekend while waiting for their food to heat up, it is never acceptable for you to shove your phone in their face rudely interrupting the conversation being had just to show how beautiful the weather was for your hike. Not only do I most likely not care about how clear the sky was, but it is extremely disrespectful to barge in and change the subject. It is a self-centered mindset to think that what you have to say is more important than what someone else is currently talking about. Like you should have been taught as a child, sit patiently and wait your turn. 

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, stop publicly complaining! Do not share with the world how displeased you are about the way things have changed. Do not make it a habit of always talking about how miserable you are, how you aren’t getting enough of this or how you’ve been let down by that. To the perpetual complainer, the Debby Downer, the old Kvetch, I say it is what it is and if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

I just want to sit and eat my crappy, processed lunch that will probably make me even fatter before I have to wash my dishes as well as other people's dishes while having a conversation with someone which will probably get interrupted by someone trying to show me pictures of their beautiful day in Malibu that I don’t even care about because I ain’t got time for that!