Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Wayne Dyer recently posted on Facebook this quote above and said that the holidays are a good time to focus on reconnecting with the spirit of love and living life to the fullest. Making a personal promise to live life in a more meaningful way will make each moment more enjoyable and we should approach life with a child-like awe and appreciation for its beauty.

This really resonates with me, and is something I often try to do. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily drama and be blinded by material and surface issues that often leave us forgetting about the small miracles that happen each day. It is so easy to get suck on selfish thoughts and so absorbed in our own lives that we forget what is important to those around us that we care about.

I read what Dyer wrote last night and found myself wishing more people did exactly what he was saying. I wish more people could get out of their own concern long enough to remember things that are important to other people like a first day at a new job, or a big meeting they were nervous to have, and take time to make sure that person knows they are being thought of. I wish people cared more and recognized that a quick text, a phone call on an important day, or even the simple act of remembering something someone told them goes a hell of a long way to another person.

But the most difficult challenge is not accepting the fact that people can be selfish and often forget what is important to others unintentionally, it is making sure you do not change how you behave in spite of it all. There are times when I want to refrain from reaching out to someone just because they have forgotten to ask me how something went when they knew I was going to do something I was scared to do. I realize it is petty of me to think like that, but after a while I feel like a fool for being more concerned with their well being than they care for me.

Inner dialogue does eventually lead me to realizing that just because someone is more selfish than I am, I should not compromise my values and be any less caring of an individual. What I can do is change my expectations of them and rely on their closeness a hell of a lot less. A friendship and especially companionship is something I take very seriously and I have always expected that what I put in I should receive in return.

With the holiday season here I am thinking about family, friendships and love a lot more. I am very thankful for the friendships I have and the life I live. I have endless opportunities ahead of me as long as I am receptive to change, willing to try, open to new adventures and honest with myself. I have friends who encourage and inspire me and I should tell them more often that they do so. I should be more open with my feelings and let people in.

I love hard. It is a fact. I used to want to change that about myself, but no longer see it as a bad thing. If the right person is out there for me, they must understand that about me and respect it. Communication is everything. Relationships with people I care about and their lives and experiences are more valuable and important to me than any material thing. Life is worth living to the fullest, love is worth experiencing. It really isn’t a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to new love. I think it is not worth living a life where you are scared to take a step, controlled in an old and comfortable routine. Life is a challenge to embrace, accept and challenge back.

If you are my friend, new or old, you are someone I love deeply. If you are someone I love, I care about you. If I didn’t show it enough this year, I am sorry. I will do better next year. I promise.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Trick or Treat

I found a lot of pictures from my childhood while boxing up my belongings during the move. Sitting and looking through them last night took me back to so many different times with my parents, friends and other family members. I tried to recall the feelings within the moments captured. One of the last pictures in the stack of family photos was this one pictured here. My parents were not the most artistic (clearly) but attempted to paint my face so I could be a clown for Halloween. They did the best that they could and I was happy that they even made the effort.

Clown Attempt

This picture, as hilarious and slightly frightening as it may be, stands for more than just a silly kid in a Halloween costume. It shows the great effort my parents put into making sure I was not left wanting and the amount of time they dedicated to my childhood. I was never without love and had two parents who were involved 100%. I feel very lucky to have had the childhood I did, and attribute a lot of who I am today to them.

Cinderella

Dad was Mom, Mom was Dad, I was a Rock Star

Halloween was always so much fun for me. I loved the idea of dressing in a costume, being able to pretend for the night that I was a princess, a puppy, or even a clown. I would really get into character. I was so excited to walk around the neighborhood with my dad, anticipating what candy would be at each house, looking forward to coming home and spreading all my candy out on the floor to measure the damage. The holiday is not as enjoyable anymore as I am unfortunately not a parent, so I really don’t have any reason to go trick or treating… I think people would frown upon a 31 year old woman dressed up as a clown asking for candy. I hope that one day I am lucky enough to enjoy what my father experienced watching his daughter race down the street in a Cinderella dress going from house to house gathering as much candy as humanly possible with an ear to ear grin on her face, looking back to make sure he was still there behind her.

50's Girl

This Halloween I will remember the good times with my parents, the excitement of festivities, the complete exhaustion at the end of the night, hiding candy under my bed eating until I got sick, and the love I felt from my family who made sure I had the time of my life. This year, I will put on my Afro wig and disco diva costume, go out with my friends, and think of my pops. Always a trooper, always making sure there was fun had by all.

Biological Father

This is Mike. He is my biological father. Mike and I met a few years ago and are starting to build a friendship. Many of you may not know that I was adopted at birth. I was given an incredible childhood full of love, education, silliness, and adventure. My dad was everything to me and will always be the only father I have.

Mike and I started talking a few years ago when I reached out to him curious about the other person responsible for my creation. Lately he has taken an interest in being an active participant in my life and is making the effort to get to know me.

My intention with this entry is not to showcase Mike, but to vent the feelings I had following lunch with him yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. I can't seem to say that enough. I know the first holiday after a divorce is difficult, but this may be the hardest part of yesterday for me. I met Mike for lunch on Yom Kippur. I know, I should have been fasting... bad Jew! But it was the only time we could meet before he left for a three week trip to Italy and he really wanted to see me before he left. We met for a late lunch at a cute cafe and had a wonderful time catching up, telling stories of who we were in the past, laughing and smiling. It was a very pleasant afternoon. He made it very clear that he wanted to be a part of my life and get involved. I should be happy.

But I left feeling deeply saddened by the fact that it was lunch with my biological father instead of my dad who raised me, was my best friend, and was not here with me anymore. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart that I haven't felt in a very long time. I felt the void of him being gone ripping me apart and reminding me that the one person I want to be there for me throughout this period of transition in my life is just not able to. I was again very aware of his absence and my heart hurt so much. Driving home over Laurel Canyon I could hardly catch my breath. I couldn't stop the tears and couldn't get past the emptiness. I was back to where I was 11 years ago; angry that he is gone too soon and asking why this had to happen.

The whole weekend has been very emotional. I make light of a lot of things and diffuse uncomfortable situations with humor in order to deflect any real emotion if its something I don't want to feel. Going to temple was something important to my father and so I went in his honor. The Kol Nidre service starting Yom Kippur was a service he and I used to attend together. It was tradition and I promised to continue that. So I went. But it was not without bringing up emotions that I haven't felt in years and left me sleepless and saddened, saying into the darkness of my bedroom at 1:30 in the morning "I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to see me as a woman. I'm sorry you didn't get to see me truly happy. I'm sorry you are not here."

I try not to talk about him too much and try not to be that girl that walks around with a chip on her shoulder; that girl who everyone is afraid to talk about their parents around in fear that it will make me feel bad that I am missing one of my own. I don't want to seem broken or damaged because I am not. I am just hurt and I am surviving and throughout all this I have come to realize the grieving process never ends. It gets easier to maintain and to process emotions, but you are always grieving the loss if it is a love so great and so important that living life without them is not the same.

I am lucky that my biological father wants to be in my life and look forward to years of getting to know one another. But I am sad at the same time that my father who could not see how much of an impact he made on my life and how his imprint will be with me forever. I can only live in his honor and be the best person I can and hope that his spirit is out there somewhere, watching me with a smile on his face.

Does Valentines Day Suck Or Am I Bitter?

It must be said... I hate Valentine's Day... Truth be told I'm actually starting to loathe most kitschy Hallmark holidays. 

I used to be the party planner; the go-to-gal for festivities, especially in the workplace. One of my favorite parts of my job used to be planning events and activities that strengthened staff relationships within departments. I hardly have any involvement in these types of responsibilities now that our HR director is in place. I truly enjoyed this type of involvement and inner-office collaboration is something I am very passionate about.

The hard part for me is that as much as I jokingly say that I hate people, I actually really like them. I am the person most people come to when they want professional advice or need help working with another coworker. I have made a serious effort since I first started working at my job to get to know everyone, regardless of their title or department,  spending time at every event talking to as many different people as I can to make sure everyone is included. 

I used to be the planner of the friends group too, that is when we used to celebrate everything and used to go out... I think I've isolated myself so much that I've lost touch of a bit of my celebratory spirit and have distanced myself from friends. 

I had to write a management strategy for the redevelopment of staffing from a Human Resources Directors perspective. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed researching and writing it. I am good at it and really recognize the importance of employee relations. Morale and accountability are vital to a successful organization. Making employees feel like a valuable ingredient in a company is priceless. It goes for personal life too. Showing people that they matter, celebrating their successes and having good spirits is important! 

There are things I've come to realize about myself that I think are good qualities that I need to man up and show more... I am an A-type personality and can make shrewd, responsible decisions. I am a natural leader. I am quick and am good at reading people. I can listen when you need me to and will fight for what is right. I am also frugal and dislike being wasteful. 

With Valentine's Day on the horizon I am working on showing the love even if I am a bit disappointed. I will try to be more of a team player and less self-isolating. I will help out more when needed and will be a better, kinder friend. And hopefully I'll regain a sense of holiday enjoyment and not become a total Scrooge! 

Here's to another day in the grind, busting my ass and getting through it. 

Hope you all have a beautiful week!