Create Your Future

I am so ready to finish packing and get on a plane. I am heading to Baltimore for work very early Friday morning, but I could be heading anywhere and I would be happy. I’m looking forward to the act of travel, as it gives me a sense of freedom and change that I have not felt in a while. I like the anticipation of taking off on the runway and the unknown adventure ahead. I am in need of a vacation desperately. Even if I am flying solo and have no one to vacation with, I still need to get away. I have been overwhelmed at work, spread way too thin, and life has not been forgiving either. The last semester of school took so much out of me and I am struggling at times to build up the wind in my sails and keep going. I have run out of steam and need a refresh.

I read something a friend of mine posted the other day about putting out in the universe the energy and actions you hope to get back. It’s similar to what parents teach their kids when they are young about doing onto others as you wish them to do unto you. I have really taken a step back from certain things in my life and have regained control over the choices I have and emotions I feel. I realized a few weeks ago (as I am sure you have read if you follow my blog) that I am in control of how I feel based on the choices I make. I have had a hard time recently with feeling hurt because I wasn’t getting treated the way I wanted. But what was I really doing to help myself or show that I wanted to be and expected to be treated a certain way? The only real action I could take was to take back the only thing I could control; me. I stepped back, gained confidence in knowing my worth and what I deserve, and started making choices for myself again. Once I decided not to let myself feel hurt and not to sit around waiting to be treated the right way, amazingly I started feeling more positive and was actually treated better!

I have changed a lot over the past several months and have found that I believe in the ideas of energy and positive thinking more than I realized. When I am around people who are stressed out or live an unbalanced life, I am affected. I feel so anxious when I let other people and their actions or choices affect me, especially when I want something from them. Such a lame thing to do giving someone that much power over me!

I put it out there in this blog often, that what I want is equal partnership, love, kindness, consistent communication, and genuine caring. I put it out in the world by being a good friend, compassionate person, devoted lover, loyal sister, patient daughter (sometimes not very successful with this one) and a decent human being. I can only be responsible for my actions and take ownership of my emotions and control my reaction to other people’s decisions.

In thinking about the approaching New Year I am quite sad that I will be alone, as New Years is perhaps my favorite holiday. But I am also finding a sense of peace in knowing that I can do whatever I desire and be with whomever I CHOOSE. I CHOOSE. It is key. Life in 2015 is not going to happen to me. I am going to decide for myself who I let in, who I love, what love I get in return, and how I feel.

Cosmic Shift

Was there some sort of cosmic shift in the universe that I am unaware of? Everything feels off. I feel disconnected from so many people and feel like in a matter of days everything normal has been altered by a force beyond my control.

I know I tend to cycle from Mrs. positive, super charged go getter, hyper puppy mode to sarcastic, subdued and even a bit withdrawn, but this time I know it's not me. I feel it. I can't explain exactly what it is, I just feel uneasiness; things are off. 

I feel it within my own relationships with friends, acquaintances and coworkers. It's as if overnight something happened that altered the dynamics of communication; that put an odd silence in the middle; a heavy seriousness. 

It may be intuition or just coincidence, but I know it is something and I don't like feeling like this. I understand we all go through our own emotional shifts and completely respect that process for everyone. I just find it hard not to take things personally even though I try. 

I know I'm basically whining like a little baby because things aren't "fun" right now and because my world just seems off and I don't like it...but dammit I don't like it!

I think what really bothers me about it all is not having reason or explanation for the sudden shift in personalities. It just happened abruptly. Did I do something wrong? Have I offended people? 

I am no more special than the next person and am not owed an explanation just because I want one. This is one of the hard parts about being a grown up. I can handle responsibility any day. Throw expectations my way and I've got it covered. But not knowing the reason for something being a certain way or feeling disconnected and not sure why is another story. 

I wish people would just acknowledge the shift and vocalize when they need space or use their words to express their feelings of disconnect in a constructive way. I'm a big girl for the most part and can handle it. Sure I may not like what I hear and likewise you might not either, but it's better than pretending nothing is wrong. 

At least it is Friday. A weekend does everyone good and I can only stay positive that the universe will sleep off the cosmic shift and energy will be restored to normal in the new week to come.