A Bipolar Year with a Happy Ending

I ended 2014 with a vacation which was such a great way to close out a year that has been trying and has often tested my ability to cope and my resolve. I was put through my paces and faced some real pain, but have managed to overcome and stay positive through it all. I feel like I’m ending 2014 on a very hopeful note and am ready to conquer 2015, making life happen instead of waiting for adventure to take place.

2014 was a bipolar year for me. A total up and down roller coaster from one extreme to another. I had some hard times, especially the most painful part of it all, which was ending my marriage after being together a total of twelve years. I don’t take that lightly and it has been a very difficult and eye opening experience going through the divorce process. I’ve put a lot out there for you to read and have shed light on what it is like learning how to live alone after never really doing so, but there are some deep personal wounds that come from such a journey that I have kept very quiet and close to my heart. Getting divorced has tested my will, my resolve, my ability to love, my openness and my heart. It has made me question everything about the person I am and what I will become. It has made me reconsider what I want out of my life and the values of family.

But it has also opened my eyes to the life I can live and to my full potential that I have not been living up to. It has made me closer to my friends, a better listener, more understanding, driven and accepting. I have a greater passion for love and living true to oneself. Out of being on my own has come an independence that has been burning inside me like a furnace, pushing me to travel and make decisions and stand up for myself. I see value in the person I have grown to be that I was unaware of before.

This past year has also brought new people into my life that I am so very thankful for. I have had opportunities to make good friends that I know are lifelong and just as thankful for our friendship as I am. Through these friends I have been able to learn different types of love and have found a silly side to my personality. I have grown from them, been encouraged and found true companionship. In some of my friends I have been able to see a lot of qualities my dad used to have, feeling as if he is even more so still with me just in a different form.

Within this year I have helped my mom recover from a freak accident, watching our relationship grow and mature. I said goodbye to my last grandparent, accepted the permanent distance between my father’s family and I, learned how to be more accepting of my emotions and even began to meditate. I received a promotion at work, moved to a place I absolutely love, found inner peace and love for myself. The growth in 2014 has shown me the importance of being open and honest about feelings and intentions. It was a year about acceptance, recognition, ownership, love, healing, kindness, charity and embracing change.

To my friends who have been by my side throughout the year – thank you! I know I have been a pain in the ass, overemotional as well as completely closed off, timid and hesitant, loud and obnoxious, direct and rude, etc. I have not always been the best friend that I know I could be and I promise 2015 will be better. Thank you for not giving up on me.

To my friends who are struggling with the closing of one year and unresolved issues – you are not alone. Life is funny and has a way of teaching us lessons we were unaware we needed to learn. If you feel you have not been successful or accomplished much this past year, you are wrong. You have taught me to be better, stronger, and more open, take myself less seriously, and push myself to learn more. You have been a great friend and that is definitely something to take pride in.

This vacation to Baltimore, even more so than the last trip, has opened my eyes to my ability to choose for myself. The most important thing that I have learned within 2014 has been my voice. I have learned that I have the voice to speak up and choose my own destiny. I am the only one who can decide my happiness and the direction of my future and it is my responsibility to myself and everyone in my life to speak up.

2015, I’m coming for you! You have no idea the force that is heading your way. Here’s to a new year full of change, good fortune, new beginnings, the good kind of unknown, friendships and love.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Wayne Dyer recently posted on Facebook this quote above and said that the holidays are a good time to focus on reconnecting with the spirit of love and living life to the fullest. Making a personal promise to live life in a more meaningful way will make each moment more enjoyable and we should approach life with a child-like awe and appreciation for its beauty.

This really resonates with me, and is something I often try to do. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily drama and be blinded by material and surface issues that often leave us forgetting about the small miracles that happen each day. It is so easy to get suck on selfish thoughts and so absorbed in our own lives that we forget what is important to those around us that we care about.

I read what Dyer wrote last night and found myself wishing more people did exactly what he was saying. I wish more people could get out of their own concern long enough to remember things that are important to other people like a first day at a new job, or a big meeting they were nervous to have, and take time to make sure that person knows they are being thought of. I wish people cared more and recognized that a quick text, a phone call on an important day, or even the simple act of remembering something someone told them goes a hell of a long way to another person.

But the most difficult challenge is not accepting the fact that people can be selfish and often forget what is important to others unintentionally, it is making sure you do not change how you behave in spite of it all. There are times when I want to refrain from reaching out to someone just because they have forgotten to ask me how something went when they knew I was going to do something I was scared to do. I realize it is petty of me to think like that, but after a while I feel like a fool for being more concerned with their well being than they care for me.

Inner dialogue does eventually lead me to realizing that just because someone is more selfish than I am, I should not compromise my values and be any less caring of an individual. What I can do is change my expectations of them and rely on their closeness a hell of a lot less. A friendship and especially companionship is something I take very seriously and I have always expected that what I put in I should receive in return.

With the holiday season here I am thinking about family, friendships and love a lot more. I am very thankful for the friendships I have and the life I live. I have endless opportunities ahead of me as long as I am receptive to change, willing to try, open to new adventures and honest with myself. I have friends who encourage and inspire me and I should tell them more often that they do so. I should be more open with my feelings and let people in.

I love hard. It is a fact. I used to want to change that about myself, but no longer see it as a bad thing. If the right person is out there for me, they must understand that about me and respect it. Communication is everything. Relationships with people I care about and their lives and experiences are more valuable and important to me than any material thing. Life is worth living to the fullest, love is worth experiencing. It really isn’t a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to new love. I think it is not worth living a life where you are scared to take a step, controlled in an old and comfortable routine. Life is a challenge to embrace, accept and challenge back.

If you are my friend, new or old, you are someone I love deeply. If you are someone I love, I care about you. If I didn’t show it enough this year, I am sorry. I will do better next year. I promise.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Create Your Future

I am so ready to finish packing and get on a plane. I am heading to Baltimore for work very early Friday morning, but I could be heading anywhere and I would be happy. I’m looking forward to the act of travel, as it gives me a sense of freedom and change that I have not felt in a while. I like the anticipation of taking off on the runway and the unknown adventure ahead. I am in need of a vacation desperately. Even if I am flying solo and have no one to vacation with, I still need to get away. I have been overwhelmed at work, spread way too thin, and life has not been forgiving either. The last semester of school took so much out of me and I am struggling at times to build up the wind in my sails and keep going. I have run out of steam and need a refresh.

I read something a friend of mine posted the other day about putting out in the universe the energy and actions you hope to get back. It’s similar to what parents teach their kids when they are young about doing onto others as you wish them to do unto you. I have really taken a step back from certain things in my life and have regained control over the choices I have and emotions I feel. I realized a few weeks ago (as I am sure you have read if you follow my blog) that I am in control of how I feel based on the choices I make. I have had a hard time recently with feeling hurt because I wasn’t getting treated the way I wanted. But what was I really doing to help myself or show that I wanted to be and expected to be treated a certain way? The only real action I could take was to take back the only thing I could control; me. I stepped back, gained confidence in knowing my worth and what I deserve, and started making choices for myself again. Once I decided not to let myself feel hurt and not to sit around waiting to be treated the right way, amazingly I started feeling more positive and was actually treated better!

I have changed a lot over the past several months and have found that I believe in the ideas of energy and positive thinking more than I realized. When I am around people who are stressed out or live an unbalanced life, I am affected. I feel so anxious when I let other people and their actions or choices affect me, especially when I want something from them. Such a lame thing to do giving someone that much power over me!

I put it out there in this blog often, that what I want is equal partnership, love, kindness, consistent communication, and genuine caring. I put it out in the world by being a good friend, compassionate person, devoted lover, loyal sister, patient daughter (sometimes not very successful with this one) and a decent human being. I can only be responsible for my actions and take ownership of my emotions and control my reaction to other people’s decisions.

In thinking about the approaching New Year I am quite sad that I will be alone, as New Years is perhaps my favorite holiday. But I am also finding a sense of peace in knowing that I can do whatever I desire and be with whomever I CHOOSE. I CHOOSE. It is key. Life in 2015 is not going to happen to me. I am going to decide for myself who I let in, who I love, what love I get in return, and how I feel.

Don't Fear the New Year

I am finally getting out my first blog of the New Year. I was completely overwhelmed with the holidays and life events in December and did not get a chance to write a year in review recap blog I intended to do for the closing of 2013. So, to welcome the new year properly I decided to look back at the events of 2013, both highlights and challenges, in order to make 2014 a stronger, better, more successful year.

2013 had many highlights – Our plumbing company acquired a shop location; I applied to University of Massachusetts and got accepted; I took a solo trip to beautiful Morro Bay for the weekend; Tom and I won a trip to Panama and flew there first class; We visited family in Philly and Delaware; I turned 30 and decided to be 100% sober; Had many great times with friends; Had a Lightcap family reunion in a beautiful mansion overlooking the beach in San Clemente; Had professional growth at my job; grew even closer to my biological family; etc.

There were also some low points – My mom suffered a tragic freak accident that broke her humorous in half and left her with permanent nerve damage; As a result of her injury I have developed a debilitating anxiety condition that prevents me from being useful during emergencies; We had some financial hardship that we are finally coming out of; Tom knocked his front teeth out and now has a permanent bridge; Celebrated the 10 year anniversary of my dad passing away; Suffered from the flu twice during the holidays; etc.

All in all, 2013 was a year of growth. I have regained my love for exercise and have become completely obsessed with Cardio Barre. I have been working on my relationship with my husband as well as my connection with friends. I have tapped into a deep love that I have for many things in my life and embraced each and every moment. As I look onto 2014 I hope for even greater success in every avenue; I wish for an easy time with school which starts in 11 days; I want to open my eyes to any flaws I am dissatisfied with and have the strength and means to correct them; I hope to get over my anxiety troubles and push past any other obstacles that cross my path. I want this year to be the very best it can be and I promise to work hard to be the very best version of myself.

Happy New Year to all of my friends and family; Wishing you the best of the best and then some!