Let's Get Real

I have a harder time writing when I'm happy, which is actually quite sad. But it is the truth. I find myself searching for something to write about instead of just writing about why I am so happy. I find that readership of my sadder, more "real" blog entries is significantly higher than those that are more positive. Perhaps people are searching for comfort in the honesty and openness of my struggles. Or maybe it is just the specific topic that draws people in. I haven't really examined any of the data to make a truly educated guess.

So here is a real topic for you to ponder... moving on and embracing change. Moving on is a reoccurring theme in my life these days and is something I think I am becoming pretty good at. I am trying my hardest to embrace the change and the new aspects of my life. In round two of my life I am working hard to be less of a control freak. Don't get me wrong, I still can't stand waiting until the last minute to confirm plans or the feeling of being unprepared for an event. I am still very much so afraid of the unknown. The difference is I am trying to harness that fear and use it to get past my hurdles.

Since I've been on my own I have decided that the only way to truly change is to force myself to do all the things I am afraid of and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Here's a little secret about me... I used to hate the unknown and the possibilities of awkward run-ins with old friends so much I would wait in the car if I was meeting a friend somewhere until I knew that they were already there. I would fill up my schedule so I was always doing something with someone so I never had to be alone. I lacked confidence and strength.

Today I am a different woman. I actually enjoy a night to myself, not all the time of course, but every now and then I think it is refreshing to jump in the car, grab a bite to eat alone, and take a drive. I like to be left with my thoughts (provided they are not self defeating and negative). I think it is healthy to be comfortable in your own skin. I also force myself to take part in social gatherings and situations that I would instinctively shy away from and engage in conversation with strangers whenever I get the chance.

I don't want to be held back by my own irrational fears and lack of confidence. I want to live a happy life and be able to show my friends and those around me who I truly am inside. There are very few people I really let in. I have a pretty tall wall up around me keeping me safe and protected from judgements and peoples unnecessary cruelty. But my wall has a hard time discerning between those who are hurtful and those who care. A wall is a wall and once it is up it prevents anyone, even those with the best of intentions and care, out of my life and it becomes impossible to make real connections.

In moving on I am also moving forward. I am scared of starting over and letting those in who really care, but I also very excited about it. I enjoy the process of being open and honest about what I feel and what I think with those I care about. I am learning a lot from being able to share the process of healing and rebuilding through this blog. Writing it out and telling my story makes me feel less alone and takes the sting out of being thirty one years old and starting life over again. It makes it so much easier to know that I have people in my corner and that possibly I am helping them go through their own journey.

I can only say for sure that I am who I am. I work hard to stay in shape and hope to become even stronger and more beautiful as I age. I try to learn as much as I can and educate myself to be even smarter. I want to surround myself with those who make me laugh and smile so I always have a happy, light heart. I try to give back to people I care about, being there as a shoulder to cry on and a comfort. I am working on being a better friend, daughter, more loving, more gentle, more understanding, much more patient.

Life isn't easy right now, but I know I am moving on; changing; moving forward. Growing. Loving. And I know I am cared for.

Not So Great Expectations

Expectations are useless and counterproductive to living happily. I've always had high expectations for friends, family members, work situations, relationships...I think because I always try to put 100%+ of myself into everything I expect to get it back. I've over examined and dissected so many situations that whatever the outcome was didn't stand up to the perception I built up in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could flip it and reverse it...I wish some of my crazy dreams were actual reality and my boring days or disappointments were nightmares I wake up from. 

I think high expectations are the downfall to most relationships - intimate and friendship. If you expect a person to act a certain way, do things as you do, or live up to something other than who they are naturally, it isn't going to work. If you want to change someone so much they will no longer resemble the person you were initially drawn to, what's the point in that relationship? 

I'm not saying you should throw any and all expectations out the window, I'm just saying you may consider lowering the bar. Analyze your measure that you hold everyone up to...chances are its too high. And I don't know about you but I hate feeling disappointment. 

Just because someone doesn't ask you how your weekend was after you've asked them doesn't mean they are a bad person. If someone doesn't take as much interest in you as you do in them it doesn't necessarily mean they are selfish. And it shouldn't mean you stop being you and caring; just don't expect the same back. You may be putting in too much. I know I do. I am always trying to please and feel like less than 50% of the time I get the same back. 

I understand now that that is a reflection of me and no one else. I'm always caring for someone else, going out of my way for people, offering up help for no reason,  remembering things people tell me that I file away in my memory as important to them so therefore important to me. I will remember your favorite colors. Favorite meals, stories that you've shared, fears and accomplishments; I remember it all. II will get your back in a fight and stand up for your beliefs. I am fiercely loyal. But that's me and doesn't have to be you. 

I'm not saying I'm a saint and I'm not telling you this for praise. I'm writing because its taken me a long time to understand that it's a matter of what I expect and not something others necessarily need to change. And if there are truly selfish d-bags that never ask you how you are and act like they care only long enough to talk about themselves then fuck em! Take back your care and respect and tell them to take a hike. Not worth it. 

I do not expect everyone to think or act the same. I don't think everyone will show care, love or friendship in the same way. I no longer expect phone calls or texts back, well wishes on my birthday, or even a good morning salutation.  

All I expect is decency. I expect people I care about to care for me in return. I expect those who say they are my friend to act like it. I expect my family to love me unconditionally and stand by my side. I expect people to give me archive when I ask for it but also let me try and fall and not fix me so I can learn from my mistakes. I expect genuineness and sweetness and respect. 

Cosmic Shift

Was there some sort of cosmic shift in the universe that I am unaware of? Everything feels off. I feel disconnected from so many people and feel like in a matter of days everything normal has been altered by a force beyond my control.

I know I tend to cycle from Mrs. positive, super charged go getter, hyper puppy mode to sarcastic, subdued and even a bit withdrawn, but this time I know it's not me. I feel it. I can't explain exactly what it is, I just feel uneasiness; things are off. 

I feel it within my own relationships with friends, acquaintances and coworkers. It's as if overnight something happened that altered the dynamics of communication; that put an odd silence in the middle; a heavy seriousness. 

It may be intuition or just coincidence, but I know it is something and I don't like feeling like this. I understand we all go through our own emotional shifts and completely respect that process for everyone. I just find it hard not to take things personally even though I try. 

I know I'm basically whining like a little baby because things aren't "fun" right now and because my world just seems off and I don't like it...but dammit I don't like it!

I think what really bothers me about it all is not having reason or explanation for the sudden shift in personalities. It just happened abruptly. Did I do something wrong? Have I offended people? 

I am no more special than the next person and am not owed an explanation just because I want one. This is one of the hard parts about being a grown up. I can handle responsibility any day. Throw expectations my way and I've got it covered. But not knowing the reason for something being a certain way or feeling disconnected and not sure why is another story. 

I wish people would just acknowledge the shift and vocalize when they need space or use their words to express their feelings of disconnect in a constructive way. I'm a big girl for the most part and can handle it. Sure I may not like what I hear and likewise you might not either, but it's better than pretending nothing is wrong. 

At least it is Friday. A weekend does everyone good and I can only stay positive that the universe will sleep off the cosmic shift and energy will be restored to normal in the new week to come.