Create Your Future

I am so ready to finish packing and get on a plane. I am heading to Baltimore for work very early Friday morning, but I could be heading anywhere and I would be happy. I’m looking forward to the act of travel, as it gives me a sense of freedom and change that I have not felt in a while. I like the anticipation of taking off on the runway and the unknown adventure ahead. I am in need of a vacation desperately. Even if I am flying solo and have no one to vacation with, I still need to get away. I have been overwhelmed at work, spread way too thin, and life has not been forgiving either. The last semester of school took so much out of me and I am struggling at times to build up the wind in my sails and keep going. I have run out of steam and need a refresh.

I read something a friend of mine posted the other day about putting out in the universe the energy and actions you hope to get back. It’s similar to what parents teach their kids when they are young about doing onto others as you wish them to do unto you. I have really taken a step back from certain things in my life and have regained control over the choices I have and emotions I feel. I realized a few weeks ago (as I am sure you have read if you follow my blog) that I am in control of how I feel based on the choices I make. I have had a hard time recently with feeling hurt because I wasn’t getting treated the way I wanted. But what was I really doing to help myself or show that I wanted to be and expected to be treated a certain way? The only real action I could take was to take back the only thing I could control; me. I stepped back, gained confidence in knowing my worth and what I deserve, and started making choices for myself again. Once I decided not to let myself feel hurt and not to sit around waiting to be treated the right way, amazingly I started feeling more positive and was actually treated better!

I have changed a lot over the past several months and have found that I believe in the ideas of energy and positive thinking more than I realized. When I am around people who are stressed out or live an unbalanced life, I am affected. I feel so anxious when I let other people and their actions or choices affect me, especially when I want something from them. Such a lame thing to do giving someone that much power over me!

I put it out there in this blog often, that what I want is equal partnership, love, kindness, consistent communication, and genuine caring. I put it out in the world by being a good friend, compassionate person, devoted lover, loyal sister, patient daughter (sometimes not very successful with this one) and a decent human being. I can only be responsible for my actions and take ownership of my emotions and control my reaction to other people’s decisions.

In thinking about the approaching New Year I am quite sad that I will be alone, as New Years is perhaps my favorite holiday. But I am also finding a sense of peace in knowing that I can do whatever I desire and be with whomever I CHOOSE. I CHOOSE. It is key. Life in 2015 is not going to happen to me. I am going to decide for myself who I let in, who I love, what love I get in return, and how I feel.

Let's Get Real

I have a harder time writing when I'm happy, which is actually quite sad. But it is the truth. I find myself searching for something to write about instead of just writing about why I am so happy. I find that readership of my sadder, more "real" blog entries is significantly higher than those that are more positive. Perhaps people are searching for comfort in the honesty and openness of my struggles. Or maybe it is just the specific topic that draws people in. I haven't really examined any of the data to make a truly educated guess.

So here is a real topic for you to ponder... moving on and embracing change. Moving on is a reoccurring theme in my life these days and is something I think I am becoming pretty good at. I am trying my hardest to embrace the change and the new aspects of my life. In round two of my life I am working hard to be less of a control freak. Don't get me wrong, I still can't stand waiting until the last minute to confirm plans or the feeling of being unprepared for an event. I am still very much so afraid of the unknown. The difference is I am trying to harness that fear and use it to get past my hurdles.

Since I've been on my own I have decided that the only way to truly change is to force myself to do all the things I am afraid of and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Here's a little secret about me... I used to hate the unknown and the possibilities of awkward run-ins with old friends so much I would wait in the car if I was meeting a friend somewhere until I knew that they were already there. I would fill up my schedule so I was always doing something with someone so I never had to be alone. I lacked confidence and strength.

Today I am a different woman. I actually enjoy a night to myself, not all the time of course, but every now and then I think it is refreshing to jump in the car, grab a bite to eat alone, and take a drive. I like to be left with my thoughts (provided they are not self defeating and negative). I think it is healthy to be comfortable in your own skin. I also force myself to take part in social gatherings and situations that I would instinctively shy away from and engage in conversation with strangers whenever I get the chance.

I don't want to be held back by my own irrational fears and lack of confidence. I want to live a happy life and be able to show my friends and those around me who I truly am inside. There are very few people I really let in. I have a pretty tall wall up around me keeping me safe and protected from judgements and peoples unnecessary cruelty. But my wall has a hard time discerning between those who are hurtful and those who care. A wall is a wall and once it is up it prevents anyone, even those with the best of intentions and care, out of my life and it becomes impossible to make real connections.

In moving on I am also moving forward. I am scared of starting over and letting those in who really care, but I also very excited about it. I enjoy the process of being open and honest about what I feel and what I think with those I care about. I am learning a lot from being able to share the process of healing and rebuilding through this blog. Writing it out and telling my story makes me feel less alone and takes the sting out of being thirty one years old and starting life over again. It makes it so much easier to know that I have people in my corner and that possibly I am helping them go through their own journey.

I can only say for sure that I am who I am. I work hard to stay in shape and hope to become even stronger and more beautiful as I age. I try to learn as much as I can and educate myself to be even smarter. I want to surround myself with those who make me laugh and smile so I always have a happy, light heart. I try to give back to people I care about, being there as a shoulder to cry on and a comfort. I am working on being a better friend, daughter, more loving, more gentle, more understanding, much more patient.

Life isn't easy right now, but I know I am moving on; changing; moving forward. Growing. Loving. And I know I am cared for.

The Perfect Day

Echo Park Lake

 A perfect day is one that is effortless. It begins with having no expectations and limitless possibilities for adventure. It is a day where there is no pressure for time and no stress about what to do, or where to eat, or what to say. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything and you can sit in silence and be completely content with a smile and a stare. A perfect day is spending time with someone who genuinely wants to be there with you, in the moment. It is a day you never want to forget that you don’t want to end. 

Days like this are a breath of fresh air for me. I am so appreciative of them and want to stay in the moment and take it all in; all the conversation, the sounds around me, the smells of fresh baked scones and taste of a cold fresh strawberry dipped in sweet cream. I want to hold on to the feeling of the sun warming my shoulders as I watch the ducks swim in a circle and engage in thought provoking conversation. I could honestly be talking about anything, it is the moment that I want to preserve. 

I woke up with a smile on my face and realized that I am coming out of a fog. I feel more certain about who I am and what I want. I feel sure of my capabilities and am learning how to love myself more and more each day. I feel optimistic about the future and look forward to the journey and the possibility of new beginnings.

My heart is full and happy today. I am more sure of myself than I have ever been and know that if I stay true to myself and work hard to be the best version of myself that I can be, I will be loved and will be happy. I am scared but embrace the idea of change and taking a chance. 

Yesterday was the perfect day and for that I am very thankful.