Finding the Routine

It is hard to believe its been almost 3 months since I wrote a new blog. School last semester really kicked my ass, as well as a large conference I was coordinating from 3000 miles away. Oh and did I mention I also worked about 50 hours a week on top of that at a really demanding job in a state of transition? Not to sound like a bitchy excuse maker, but suffice it to say I was completely overwhelmed.

So - I'm back. School starts up again soon so I can't guarantee I'll be posting that often, but I promise to try to post with as much regularity as I possibly can.

Life has definitely been more positive than the past few months, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of new posts. It's so much easier to write when in a foul mood or upset and processing some dark emotion. I always feel like an idiot writing about happy times. I don't want to sound like someone rubbing it in saying, "I am just so happy... blah blah blah." That to me sounds like an attention seeker farting rainbows and gumdrops on everyone's not so perfect life. Not my style.

But I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer naysayer who is a chronic complainer. So let's just call it a fifty fifty past few months. There have been some bumps in the road, but overall its been a great few months.

Something I am struggling with right now with all this down time from work is the concept of trust. Its so hard for me to really let my guard down and expose the vulnerability or real emotion I typically keep bottled up in a deep, hidden space in my heart. I feel like trusting people and really letting them in, more often than not, equals me getting hurt. And who the fuck wants to get hurt?!?

But I am not going to build a healthy relationship by shutting down and closing myself off or distrusting. I have to learn to believe it when I am told I am loved and accepted. I have to love myself. I have to accept that there will always be the potential to get hurt no matter how much I try to protect myself, and at the end of the day it doesn't make it easier by keeping those I love at a distance, it actually makes things more difficult.

In being almost a year out on my own I've learned a lot about living alone and doing things for myself. I've come to realize that even while I had a partner there physically, I was actually alone more than I realized. I still struggle to find motivation to go to dinners alone, and have a hard time at night when my tiny apartment is still and dark. I find it difficult to grocery shop for 1 and hate not having a snuggle companion to curl up with and watch TV or even just sit in silence to enjoy each others company.

But I know that as the time passes it does get easier and a new routine is established. I look at it similar to when I quit smoking. I was a pack a day cigarette smoker. Parliament Lights 100's baby. I guess since they were the extra long smokes you could say I actually smoked a pack and a half. I dedicated my time to habitually smoking for over 10 years, and have been proudly smoke free for 5. It was so hard to quit. I wasn't just giving up the one act of lighting and inhaling a cigarette, but rather a lifestyle and all the activities that I enjoyed that coupled well with smoking. I used to wake up and have a hot cup of coffee on my porch with a smoke. I used to love to smoke at sunset at the beach. I always enjoyed a cigarette after a satisfying meal. Take out the smoking from those moments and I felt like I had nothing. So I stopped all of it. I stopped sitting on my porch all together. I hardly went to the beach at sunset, until last year. It took time and patience and acceptance that things had changed before I could establish new, healthier routines. And you know what, I eventually did it. I am still smoke free and now enjoy the beach. I love a good meal and feel satisfied without a smoke after I am done. I sit outside on the deck often and taken in the sweet smells of the nature surrounding me, rather than the stench of a smoke stick.

In time I have started to establish new patterns and routines for myself, and I tell anyone going through or about to go through a divorce the following... IT DOES GET EASIER IF YOU WANT IT TO AND YOU WORK AT IT. It is a daily struggle, but you MUST NOT give up. YOU MUST look deeper within EVERY situation in order to push yourself to accepting the things that you cannot change and finding the courage to change the things you can.

I have opened my mind to a lot of things and have opened my heart to love. I am free of so many things that caused me pain and ready and willing to shed the skin of insecurity and fear and reveal all of who I am, vulnerable and raw, real and emotional.

To life I say bring it on. To you, if you are struggling, I say you are loved and you are strong and one day those giant mountains of pain become smaller rolling hills and eventually become so minor you don't event realize you're on a journey. Live life, power through it, enjoy the moments in between, and never look back. Follow the beat of your heart and the instinct in your gut.

Put It In Perspective! That's What It's All About!

I went back to working out at a fitness class I used to participate in on a regular basis. I had not been to this class in three months as a result of moving to a new apartment, a hectic work and school schedule, and social distractions. I had been going to my regular gym to run on the treadmill, but was not putting much effort into working out and pushing myself as well as eating healthy. I knew it was time to step it up again and get back to the fitness routine I once loved and was dedicated to, however I found it challenging to get motivated after working long hours.

That all changed yesterday. Following a conversation with someone on Monday that included some harsh honesty, I was devastated. It is really hard to receive feedback about a personal shortcoming, especially physical appearance. I was really hurt and felt emotionally bruised. I felt ugly and my confidence was broken. All I could think about is how disgusting I must be physically and how everyone is walking around looking at me, thinking that I am just the most unattractive person they’ve laid eyes on. I realize that this is completely extreme, but when confidence is shaken up like that it is hard to reel yourself in and put it in perspective.

We are all people that have feelings and different sore subjects that we do not like to talk about. Constructive criticism, judgment, feedback, rejection is all hard to stomach. It’s never easy to tell someone something they do not want to hear. I think it is important to pay attention to delivery of that message and keep mindfulness in terms of sensitivity when having these types of conversations.

I decided to do something I do not typically like to do. I posted on Facebook a status that read, “Going back to Cardio Barre after a significant amount of time away. Sometimes it takes someones hurtful honesty to wake you up and get you back on track. ‪#‎notgonnastopme.” I didn’t necessarily want an outpouring of support from my friends and acquaintances, but I did want to know what people thought and wanted to be open about what I was struggling with. The responses really overwhelmed me. Not one person had any negative criticism. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I received a flood of comments from friends reminding me of my beauty and my potential. I received encouragement and even got texts outside of social media from friends reassuring me that it was an issue with someone else, and not with me.  

Out of a really crappy situation came a beautiful reminder of how lucky I am to have such amazing friends and how beauty is not just skin deep. I guess the world isn’t looking at me thinking I’m a hideous troll. Not everyone sees the same thing that one person saw. And then it all became clear… it’s ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE!

How one person sees someone is not necessarily how everyone else views them. Just because one person tells you that your hair color is not attractive doesn’t mean that it really is. It just means that to that specific individual they would prefer to see something else. Another valuable lesson out of all this is that you should never change for anyone else based on what feedback they give you about their own personal preference or perspective. Wear the clothes that make you happy. Dye your hair whatever color suits your style. Tattoo your body if you feel so inclined and it defines your personality and lifestyle. The only standard that everyone should live by is always be true to yourself. I have a permanent reminder on my wrist that “to thine own self be true,” yet it is something I forget the most.

I was initially motivated by a harsh comment to get my ass back to a regimented exercise routine and a healthier lifestyle; however that was merely the spark that ignited the flame. I am driven and motivated for me. I want to be happy and healthy for me. For my family, good friends, for those I love and for those who love me back. Life is way too short to waste time focusing on the comments and critiques. I am thankful for everything in my life even more so today than yesterday. Feeling very loved.

Have a Little Faith

My staycation ended on a great note. Today was a great day. An early start to my day included a brisk walk to the local store. I took my time to get there, stopping to appreciate local succulent plants and smell fresh lavender. I connected with every step, taking note of the shifting gravel and crunching leaves beneath my feet. I enjoyed a cup of coffee at the store watching different locals come and go. I enjoy the environment I live in and the people around me. It's such a welcomed change from where I've just come from.

I expected my day to consist of grocery shopping and a whole lot of waiting for the time to pass. It was definitely not that. I was pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable my day was. I was surprised and caught off guard in a great way. I felt thought of; cared for; appreciated; loved. It is also a reminder that I need to trust peoples intentions and capabilities more. I have to let people surprise me and go with the flow. We are all capable of showing how we care, it's just a matter of doing it. And I am learning that I have to break past my bad habit of distrusting and fact checking and believe what people say. I have to have a little faith. 

I am falling asleep and all I can think is that I am a lucky girl. Sure, life has been hard, especially this year. But the people in my life now are incredible. What I feel is tremendous. The fact that there are those in my life who see what I consider my personality flaws as minor inconveniences is amazing. Today was such a wonderful day. I am falling asleep with a big smile on my face and a full, happy heart. 

It's when times are tough and life seems to be giving me the raw end of the deal that I really need to remember days like today. Days when I'm genuinely happy.