Bringing Sexy Back?

(Before weight loss, lost 58 lbs, now)

I've lost a bit of weight this month. It's a direct result of working out daily and eating healthy meals. There's really no magic secret to losing weight; just ceding active and eating responsibly. Seems simple enough, right?

Yet I feel like I barely see a difference. I am working so hard working out and restricting calories, making healthy choices and setting my priorities straight. I am pushing the hell out of myself at the gym physically as well as mentally. I am working on positive thinking and loving myself. 

It just doesn't feel good yet. I look in the mirror and still see a short, pasty, jiggly body and a double chin. I see every laugh line and red blemish from too much exposure to sun. I see 30 long ass years on my face. And my boobs?!? Don't even get me started... They are not as perky as they once were and should just be reduced. It's a tragedy! I feel like getting dressed with the lights off sometimes. 

I know I'm being dramatic, but I'm struggling. I feel so damn uncomfortable in my clothes - either they are way too loose or they are so tight I can't breathe. I feel awkward and feel like my end goal is so far away I should just give up and accept the fact that I'll always be a fatty. 

It didn't help that I was super emotional this week, fluctuating between highs of laughter and a real zest for life and lows of feeling uninvited and left out. I lost motivation yesterday big time and wanted to throw in the towel and gorge myself on a big ass pizza. 

But I didn't! I'm on the damn elliptical machine right now sweating through my shirt, making a real go at it. I'm still trying. I just keep my mantra "I will be hot and sexy" playing on a loop in my mind. Each stride on the machine pushes me one step closer to a rockin' body and a healthier life. 

There are several things parents leave out of the wisdom they pass down to their children; like money struggles, hardships of the working world, difficulty maintaining relationships, and this! My parents didn't tell me how hard it would be to maintain a healthy lifestyle and my body as I aged. I wasn't informed on how to eat right and exercise. I wasn't pushed to continue athletics. Boy do I wish I was! 

My 20's were full of drinking my calories and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day, which needless to say packed on the pounds. Big Time! A few years ago I fought the same battle I'm fighting now. I lost 58 lbs and swore up and down to all that is holy that I would not gain it back. Then I quit smoking and took on some stresses now I've got 30 lbs to lose. 

I just keep reminding myself that there will be good days and ones that are harder to deal with. There will be those times when I feel completely helpless and quite ugly. Today may be a day when I feel unattractive and undesirable, but it doesn't mean I'll feel the same tomorrow.

Here's to a deep sweat; to a new day tomorrow; to a thinner, happier future.