For those who don't know much about my backstory, I will fill you in quickly. I was adopted at birth and am an only child. My mother and father tried to conceive for 10 years and were unsuccessful and thus adopted me. I had a big family on my fathers side until a falling out after he died. My mother has family members in Canada and the east coast, none of which are very close. My father passed away in 2003 from primary brain cancer and now it's just my mom and I.
Because my parents tried to have a baby the good ol' natural way for years my mom is ten years older than the parents of most of my peers. She just turned 65 this past May. My mom still works as a paralegal on account of my father not being around to financially support her and continues to live in the house I grew up in that is basically falling apart around her. Sounds like a metaphor to me.
This past April my mom fell while exiting the elevator of the parking garage at her office. The elevator settled to a stop with the inside lower that the ground outside the elevator door, which caught her foot and threw her into a brick wall. She snapped her humerus in half. After surgery placing a metal plate and 13 screws in her arm and 4 months of physical therapy 4 times a week she is almost able to have 50% range of motion back. It was a freak incident that has taken an emotional toll on the whole family.
Yesterday we were back in the emergency room. Not for an arm, thank god. This round was a kidney stone. I was relaxing and decompressing after a long week at the nail salon when I get a phone call. It was my mom, struggling through short breaths to tell me she needs to go to the emergency room because of intense stomach pains and pains on her left side. Naturally, thinking she's having a heart attack or a ruptured appendix, I rush put of the restful haven of the nail salon and race down the 405 freeway (if that's even possible) to Tarzana hospital. And that's when it happened...again!
You see I have developed this condition called Vasovagal Syncope. It's a reaction that occurs internally as a result of emotional stress triggers which causes fainting, blacking out and a full blown anxiety attack. It is extremely sudden and practically impossible to stop once it begins. I had the first "episode" the first time she was taken to the ER for the broken arm. But I had Tom there to help me, and friends texting to keep me stable. This time I was all alone.
Tom was deep in the dead zone of Malibu on a construction job and none of my moms friends were answering their phones. It was up to me to be there and I failed. Big time.
I went in the ER waiting room and instantly felt the deep chilling sweat drip down my lower back. My heart was pounding, my head was light, my eyes were blurry. My mind raced the more I tried to calm myself down and I couldn't catch my breath. I tried sitting in the cafeteria where I had orange juice to give me a boost of sugar. It didn't help. I tried fresh air outside and started to feel better and ready to try going in again. Bad idea. Same reaction all over again.
I ended up sitting in the car in the parking lot talking to my mom on the cell phone every 20 min for updates. I couldn't be there to hold her hand and tell her it was all going to be okay. I couldn't talk to the doctor and make sure she was cares for properly. I was a useless failure to her and feel terrible.
I don't want to have this reaction and wish I had stronger resolve to fight past this. I wish she didn't have to be all alone through that. It's days like yesterday I feel all the anger again for my dad getting sick and leaving us all alone, ill prepared to do life without him.
Getting older and being an only child is very difficult. I'm scared shitless. I don't know what is going to come next and feel like it's just a matter of time before I have to go through another tragedy. I'm just not ready for this phase of my life. Getting older sucks!
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