Let's Get Real

I have a harder time writing when I'm happy, which is actually quite sad. But it is the truth. I find myself searching for something to write about instead of just writing about why I am so happy. I find that readership of my sadder, more "real" blog entries is significantly higher than those that are more positive. Perhaps people are searching for comfort in the honesty and openness of my struggles. Or maybe it is just the specific topic that draws people in. I haven't really examined any of the data to make a truly educated guess.

So here is a real topic for you to ponder... moving on and embracing change. Moving on is a reoccurring theme in my life these days and is something I think I am becoming pretty good at. I am trying my hardest to embrace the change and the new aspects of my life. In round two of my life I am working hard to be less of a control freak. Don't get me wrong, I still can't stand waiting until the last minute to confirm plans or the feeling of being unprepared for an event. I am still very much so afraid of the unknown. The difference is I am trying to harness that fear and use it to get past my hurdles.

Since I've been on my own I have decided that the only way to truly change is to force myself to do all the things I am afraid of and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Here's a little secret about me... I used to hate the unknown and the possibilities of awkward run-ins with old friends so much I would wait in the car if I was meeting a friend somewhere until I knew that they were already there. I would fill up my schedule so I was always doing something with someone so I never had to be alone. I lacked confidence and strength.

Today I am a different woman. I actually enjoy a night to myself, not all the time of course, but every now and then I think it is refreshing to jump in the car, grab a bite to eat alone, and take a drive. I like to be left with my thoughts (provided they are not self defeating and negative). I think it is healthy to be comfortable in your own skin. I also force myself to take part in social gatherings and situations that I would instinctively shy away from and engage in conversation with strangers whenever I get the chance.

I don't want to be held back by my own irrational fears and lack of confidence. I want to live a happy life and be able to show my friends and those around me who I truly am inside. There are very few people I really let in. I have a pretty tall wall up around me keeping me safe and protected from judgements and peoples unnecessary cruelty. But my wall has a hard time discerning between those who are hurtful and those who care. A wall is a wall and once it is up it prevents anyone, even those with the best of intentions and care, out of my life and it becomes impossible to make real connections.

In moving on I am also moving forward. I am scared of starting over and letting those in who really care, but I also very excited about it. I enjoy the process of being open and honest about what I feel and what I think with those I care about. I am learning a lot from being able to share the process of healing and rebuilding through this blog. Writing it out and telling my story makes me feel less alone and takes the sting out of being thirty one years old and starting life over again. It makes it so much easier to know that I have people in my corner and that possibly I am helping them go through their own journey.

I can only say for sure that I am who I am. I work hard to stay in shape and hope to become even stronger and more beautiful as I age. I try to learn as much as I can and educate myself to be even smarter. I want to surround myself with those who make me laugh and smile so I always have a happy, light heart. I try to give back to people I care about, being there as a shoulder to cry on and a comfort. I am working on being a better friend, daughter, more loving, more gentle, more understanding, much more patient.

Life isn't easy right now, but I know I am moving on; changing; moving forward. Growing. Loving. And I know I am cared for.

Judgement Day

I absolutely love people watching. I think it's so much fun to make up a story about who each person is; where they come from, where they are going, their personality traits. I get a lot of good people watching time in at the gym. I have started to notice some definite character traits in people that lead to my assumption of what type of person they must be.

Take the girl on the rowing machine. She has her straight brown shoulder length hair pulled back tightly in a low ponytail. She is wearing a gray tank top and back leggings with some generic Nike running shoes on her feet. With every pull of the rowing bar into her body she stares intensely into her reflection in the mirror, grunts audibly, and checks out her form. She is a perfectionist. She does the same thing with every pull, rigidly moving back and forth, always checking herself in the mirror. She has a decent body that she clearly works on with regularity, but she thinks she is way hotter than she truly is. She must be a perfectionist: a goody goody; a total kiss ass. 

And then there is the middle-aged man in the Superman t-shirt. I'd say he is about 45, jet black evenly cut generic hair, lean body type, with a purposeful five o'clock shadow. He meticulously wipes down the treadmill for several minutes before getting on. Once on the machine he spends a considerable amount of time adjusting it to the most perfect workout. Alas ten minutes later his workout begins. He screams control freak! Everything in his life is done on purpose and is strictly controlled. He is wound up tight, a cautious Carl, probably an accountant. 

Lastly there is the belly dancing elliptical woman. She is definitely of Middle Eastern decent although she will tell you she's an exotic American. She is a curvy woman built like a tube of toothpaste, wearing a neon pink sports bra which she is pouring out of (not in a good way) and light gray leggings that have a sweat line accentuating her ass crack. She has dark brown, sloppy hair that is all over the place, basically one eyebrow, and a five o'clock shadow on her armpits. Did I mention she is dancing on the elliptical? Yes...you read correctly. She has her arms up in the air and is doing her rendition of the "sexy dance" while trying to feel the burn. Miss thang is rubbing her hands up and down the sides of her body while shaking her booty in some out of sync rhythm. She thinks she is the hottest woman in the gym. She wants every eye on her and is really working it in her mind. She is a hot mess. A sloppy, disheveled, smelly, hairy mess begging for a makeover on the style network's What Not To Wear. 

I sound like a total bitch, right? I'm sure I've offended several of you reading this right now... I have very harshly judged these innocent strangers whom I know nothing about...and I am probably wrong about all of it. But it begs the question, shouldn't you always put your best foot forward? You never know who is judging you or who you will meet, so why not put a little effort in yourself? Why not work on your outward appearance, both physical and emotional? I don't think it's conceited to dress to impress as long as it is within reason. You should be aware of how you represent yourself, the attitude you display and how you look. Not because of assholes like me unfairly casting judgement, but because you care  about you. 

Lastly - sorry for offending. You won't always like what you read ;)