A New Beginning for Old Friends

I had a good friend who was an important part of my early to mid-twenties. It was that silly kind of friendship where you spend a majority of your time together laughing and being completely stupid. He was like a crazy slightly older brother who felt like family.  I thought we would always be friends, watch each other get married and start our own families. Sadly, things didn't go that way.

He and I had a falling out several years ago. Over that period of time I often thought of our friendship fondly. I missed him and wondered what happened that caused a rift  between us. The more time passed I gave up hope that I would ever talk to him again and get understanding and closure.

But today I got a gift just in time for Chanukah. He accepted a friend request on Facebook that I had sent quite some time ago. It was not only out of nowhere that he accepted my request, but was also on a day when I was driving home from work thinking about friendship and the past and the hopes I have for my future. And then all of a sudden I get a message from him.

I am very thankful that I get another chance to talk to him and explain what happened in my eyes and apologize for being a total bitch. I get a chance to hear him out, see the man he has become and get to know who he is today. I know I'm so different from the punk, mess of a girl that I was in my mid-twenties and I'm sure he's grown in a big way as well.

I consider moments like these validation for the way I try to live my life. I work very hard at a demanding job and on myself personally. I'm always looking within and trying to improve. I want to be the best I can as a friend, lover, daughter, mentor, employee. I am glad that he decided to reach out to me today. I was not mature enough to open dialogue between us until now. I was not over feeling hurt that he gave up on our friendship. I had to go through all the change and painful experiences in my life to become more understanding and who I am as an adult today so that I was mature enough for a better, stronger friendship. 

I am looking forward to meeting with him on Monday, catching up on all the time we lost and learning who he is now. I hope that he is forgiving for any way I was a bad friend in the past. I know that everything in my mind is water under the bridge and I am just happy to have another chance at having my friend in my life.

Chanukah this year has started off very different than the previous years. The gifts I'm receiving are not tangible or monetary. They are richer and more important. I am given the gift of second chances, self confidence, true friendship, love and affection.

Let's Get Real

I have a harder time writing when I'm happy, which is actually quite sad. But it is the truth. I find myself searching for something to write about instead of just writing about why I am so happy. I find that readership of my sadder, more "real" blog entries is significantly higher than those that are more positive. Perhaps people are searching for comfort in the honesty and openness of my struggles. Or maybe it is just the specific topic that draws people in. I haven't really examined any of the data to make a truly educated guess.

So here is a real topic for you to ponder... moving on and embracing change. Moving on is a reoccurring theme in my life these days and is something I think I am becoming pretty good at. I am trying my hardest to embrace the change and the new aspects of my life. In round two of my life I am working hard to be less of a control freak. Don't get me wrong, I still can't stand waiting until the last minute to confirm plans or the feeling of being unprepared for an event. I am still very much so afraid of the unknown. The difference is I am trying to harness that fear and use it to get past my hurdles.

Since I've been on my own I have decided that the only way to truly change is to force myself to do all the things I am afraid of and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Here's a little secret about me... I used to hate the unknown and the possibilities of awkward run-ins with old friends so much I would wait in the car if I was meeting a friend somewhere until I knew that they were already there. I would fill up my schedule so I was always doing something with someone so I never had to be alone. I lacked confidence and strength.

Today I am a different woman. I actually enjoy a night to myself, not all the time of course, but every now and then I think it is refreshing to jump in the car, grab a bite to eat alone, and take a drive. I like to be left with my thoughts (provided they are not self defeating and negative). I think it is healthy to be comfortable in your own skin. I also force myself to take part in social gatherings and situations that I would instinctively shy away from and engage in conversation with strangers whenever I get the chance.

I don't want to be held back by my own irrational fears and lack of confidence. I want to live a happy life and be able to show my friends and those around me who I truly am inside. There are very few people I really let in. I have a pretty tall wall up around me keeping me safe and protected from judgements and peoples unnecessary cruelty. But my wall has a hard time discerning between those who are hurtful and those who care. A wall is a wall and once it is up it prevents anyone, even those with the best of intentions and care, out of my life and it becomes impossible to make real connections.

In moving on I am also moving forward. I am scared of starting over and letting those in who really care, but I also very excited about it. I enjoy the process of being open and honest about what I feel and what I think with those I care about. I am learning a lot from being able to share the process of healing and rebuilding through this blog. Writing it out and telling my story makes me feel less alone and takes the sting out of being thirty one years old and starting life over again. It makes it so much easier to know that I have people in my corner and that possibly I am helping them go through their own journey.

I can only say for sure that I am who I am. I work hard to stay in shape and hope to become even stronger and more beautiful as I age. I try to learn as much as I can and educate myself to be even smarter. I want to surround myself with those who make me laugh and smile so I always have a happy, light heart. I try to give back to people I care about, being there as a shoulder to cry on and a comfort. I am working on being a better friend, daughter, more loving, more gentle, more understanding, much more patient.

Life isn't easy right now, but I know I am moving on; changing; moving forward. Growing. Loving. And I know I am cared for.