Old Friends Who Just Met

Last night I met a very old friend, whom I haven’t seen in 7 years, for a drink. I parked a few blocks away and walked to the bar; trying to expel any nervous energy from anticipating what it would be like spending time together after so many years. I got there early, as I typically do when I’m nervous, and sat at a table eagerly awaiting an awkward hello. I expected the night to be extremely uncomfortable, not knowing what to say and full of uncomfortable silences and speaking over one another. I was not sure if we would be able to resume our friendship after such an abrupt end 7 years ago.

As my friend walked in there was an instant sense of comfort and familiarity, as if those 7 very busy years were just a moment in time, like we had never lost touch. I completely forgot any reason why we stopped talking at that moment. I got up and gave him a hug and couldn’t wait to hear his story, congratulate him on his marriage, find out how his family was doing, and get to know him all over again for the man he had become.

The night continued on and time flew by without us even noticing. It was so enjoyable getting to know what he had been doing with his life and learn about his beautiful wife and their relationship. It was great to find out about how his family, which I once felt was family of my own, was doing. It felt as if the evening ended too quickly and we both parted ways, promising to be in each others lives.  

The most amazing part of the night was not that we were able to pick up a friendship as if no time had passed. My friend did something I consider extremely classy and admirable. It was something many people never do. He apologized for any time he was not a good friend. He explained himself and took ownership of not being a good friend to me when I needed hi m when my dad got sick and passed away. He shared his disappointment with himself for not being there at my wedding. It was already water under the bridge for me, but hearing his words was powerful.

It takes real courage to apologize for something like that. It takes responsibility and true character to be honest with yourself and others about your flaws and take ownership of wrongdoing. He may never fully know how much that meant to me.

I am very lucky to get second chances like this in my life. To know that I have a friend who thought about his actions and made good on bad behavior and that I too could apologize for any times I was not there as I should have been. It was one of the most honest and real conversations I’ve had with a friend and a moment in my life I will never forget.

My friend is back and I am looking forward to years of friendship, getting to know his family and the life he lives now as an adult. I am glad that we have both become mature adults and are able to know each other at this point in our lives. It really was a holiday gift to have our friendship rekindled. I have so much to be thankful for.

Putting Things Into Perspective

It has been quite a while since I blogged. Since February to be exact. Reading through my past entries nothing seems quite as important or dramatic as it did then, especially given the series of events that have occurred in my life the past several months. The desire to write has escaped me. Creativity and motivation have been lacking. That is until today. Today my emotions that have been bottled up and stuff down deep within a part of my mind that I tried so desperately to close off have surfaced. I can't continue to push them away or use momentary conversation and time filler activities to stifle what I feel inside. I can't pretend that I do not feel bad or scared or anxious any longer.

Last year I decided it was time for Tom and I to separate. After being together 12 long years I no longer recognized who I had become. I am no longer the 19 year old dreamer lacking direction and goals. I am no longer the child living in the moment, spending money frivolously on copious amounts of alcohol and long evenings with friends at a dive bar shooting pool. I am no longer the girl living in the moment, even if the moment was not worth living in. I am 31 years old, responsible, driven, dedicated to higher education, inspired by personal growth and possibilities. I want a family, a home, security, an equal partnership, passion and romance, and unconditional love. Tom and I are not who we once were as young kids.

Life has not been easy for us. My dad passed away when I was 20. He was everything to me. My inspiration and my best friend. He was my hero. Tom stood by my side when most of my friend disappeared. When the weight of knowing my father was never coming back finally hit me, Tom was there to hold me up. He was my guiding light and the strength for both of us to keep life going. He was my glue.

Today, 11 years after my dad passed away I am a stronger woman. I have regained the strength I lost when he passed away and have goals I am working towards. I have a great amount of drive and work hard for what I want. I have become a motivated, professional with a solid head on my shoulders and a need to succeed. In all this work to better myself and grow I grew apart from the joint goals Tom and I shared. I grew apart from him and we no longer had any passion. We no longer had any romance. We did not share the same goals and had to come to terms with the fact that we were really just friends.

I tell you all this not to gain your sympathy or pity, but simply to purge the pit in my stomach and the aching on my heart. I am writing this selfishly for me, but perhaps it may help you too. I realized through all this that we never really know what is going on in someones life. They could be struggling with their own failed marriage or some other life-altering decision but not feel comfortable sharing it with the world. So here I am - putting it all out there.

I filed for divorce on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It was a complete coincidence, but if you are like me, you believe there is no such thing as a coincidence. A new, fresh start to a new year. I can't begin to tell you how scary this is. Today is Yom Kippur and I am really struggling. Today is especially difficult. I am sad. Very fucking sad. Today I am mourning a loss of not only my marriage, but also my father and as a result of his passing the loss of my family. No one is together anymore. There was no where to break the fast. I am sitting alone at home, writing a blog, breaking the fast by myself. The irony of this entire situation is my greatest fear has always been being completely alone. The thought of being alone has given me anxiety. I am uncomfortable in silence. Yet I chose to end my marriage and accept a life of solitude.

On Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, I am asking for forgiveness to my friends who I have neglected as a result of being unhappy. I ask for forgiveness from my family who I have distanced myself from since my dad passed away. I ask for forgiveness from my mom who I know I have let down by getting divorced. And I ask Tom for forgiveness for giving up on our marriage by leaving.

I know there are better days ahead of me and a life of happiness. This is but a moment in time, and like the other blog entries I wrote, this too will seem inconsequential in the years to come as time passes by. It is all about perspective.

Helping Myself

I am much more motivated today than other Saturdays. I made it to the gym without hesitation and without anyone giving me an extra push. I am responsible for what I do and do not do and if I want to get in shape, look good and feel fabulous it is up to me only me. I can't rely on anyone else to get me here and help me meet my goals - I have to drive myself. 

So here I am, back on this machine, working up a very healthy sweat, thinking about the events of the day to follow. We have this BBQ to attend at a friends new home. There will be a few old friends there and people I've either never met or met once in passing. I am actually a bit nervous. 

Not because of who is going to be there or because of any social awkwardness; because of the unknown emotional response I may have. As I've mentioned in a few other blogs, my 30's have started out with a bit of difficulty in terms of my feelings on the milestones I've hit or rather not hit by this point in my life. I've been feeling a tremendous amount of pressure about being married 5 years and not having a home with a picket white fence and a child. So today, going to the new home of an old acquaintence who is 6 months pregnant and only married one year weighs heavy on my mind. 

It's honestly nothing against them at all; I truly am very happy for them and can really see how happy they both are. It is an insecurity within myself combined with an unreasonable dose of jealousy that I'm dealing with. But that's exactly what I'm doing - dealing with it. 

I figure I'm right in the middle - I do boy have the fairy tale home or the bun in the oven, but I'm also married to a great guy and I'm establishing a successful career while he builds a successful business that is the foundation for our future. I am right in the middle of the spectrum of life and I'm actually happier than I realized. 

It helps to take a step back and gain perspective on each situation. There isn't one prescribed path everyone must take in life. That is a dated way of looking at things. There are more options out there then stay at home mom of three and overworked father. A dual income no kids family dynamic is acceptable too!

As far as my outlook on today, I will go with a heart full of happiness for their success and congratulate them sincerely. And I will remember that for us, all of our mandatory hard work, blood, sweat and tears, will eventually pay off and give us our own version of success.