A Bipolar Year with a Happy Ending

I ended 2014 with a vacation which was such a great way to close out a year that has been trying and has often tested my ability to cope and my resolve. I was put through my paces and faced some real pain, but have managed to overcome and stay positive through it all. I feel like I’m ending 2014 on a very hopeful note and am ready to conquer 2015, making life happen instead of waiting for adventure to take place.

2014 was a bipolar year for me. A total up and down roller coaster from one extreme to another. I had some hard times, especially the most painful part of it all, which was ending my marriage after being together a total of twelve years. I don’t take that lightly and it has been a very difficult and eye opening experience going through the divorce process. I’ve put a lot out there for you to read and have shed light on what it is like learning how to live alone after never really doing so, but there are some deep personal wounds that come from such a journey that I have kept very quiet and close to my heart. Getting divorced has tested my will, my resolve, my ability to love, my openness and my heart. It has made me question everything about the person I am and what I will become. It has made me reconsider what I want out of my life and the values of family.

But it has also opened my eyes to the life I can live and to my full potential that I have not been living up to. It has made me closer to my friends, a better listener, more understanding, driven and accepting. I have a greater passion for love and living true to oneself. Out of being on my own has come an independence that has been burning inside me like a furnace, pushing me to travel and make decisions and stand up for myself. I see value in the person I have grown to be that I was unaware of before.

This past year has also brought new people into my life that I am so very thankful for. I have had opportunities to make good friends that I know are lifelong and just as thankful for our friendship as I am. Through these friends I have been able to learn different types of love and have found a silly side to my personality. I have grown from them, been encouraged and found true companionship. In some of my friends I have been able to see a lot of qualities my dad used to have, feeling as if he is even more so still with me just in a different form.

Within this year I have helped my mom recover from a freak accident, watching our relationship grow and mature. I said goodbye to my last grandparent, accepted the permanent distance between my father’s family and I, learned how to be more accepting of my emotions and even began to meditate. I received a promotion at work, moved to a place I absolutely love, found inner peace and love for myself. The growth in 2014 has shown me the importance of being open and honest about feelings and intentions. It was a year about acceptance, recognition, ownership, love, healing, kindness, charity and embracing change.

To my friends who have been by my side throughout the year – thank you! I know I have been a pain in the ass, overemotional as well as completely closed off, timid and hesitant, loud and obnoxious, direct and rude, etc. I have not always been the best friend that I know I could be and I promise 2015 will be better. Thank you for not giving up on me.

To my friends who are struggling with the closing of one year and unresolved issues – you are not alone. Life is funny and has a way of teaching us lessons we were unaware we needed to learn. If you feel you have not been successful or accomplished much this past year, you are wrong. You have taught me to be better, stronger, and more open, take myself less seriously, and push myself to learn more. You have been a great friend and that is definitely something to take pride in.

This vacation to Baltimore, even more so than the last trip, has opened my eyes to my ability to choose for myself. The most important thing that I have learned within 2014 has been my voice. I have learned that I have the voice to speak up and choose my own destiny. I am the only one who can decide my happiness and the direction of my future and it is my responsibility to myself and everyone in my life to speak up.

2015, I’m coming for you! You have no idea the force that is heading your way. Here’s to a new year full of change, good fortune, new beginnings, the good kind of unknown, friendships and love.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Missed Flight

I haven’t been able to remember dreams for a while. Today, however, was a different story. It was another restless night. I had a vivid dream about traveling and missing my flight. I had a flight at 11:27 AM out of LAX. I packed the night before, got all of my work and boarding pass ready to go. I'm unsure exactly where I was going or what the purpose of the trip was, but I was definitely still married and he and I were going to go on this trip together.

The morning of the trip everything seemed off. I was running late and had to go to a park-and-ride type of facility to get a rental golf cart, which they explained was the only way to get into the airport. This unplanned change of transportation left me worried that I would not make it home to get the bags and get to the airport in time for the flight.  

I pushed down hard on the gas driving the cart at maximum speed, making my way home, which was actually my mother’s house in the San Fernando Valley. My ex was there taking his time, playing in the pool (which doesn't even exist at my mom's house in reality). I paced back and forth and glanced at the clock, realizing it was 11:09 AM. I wasn't going to make it. I ditched the golf cart in my mom’s garage and called a cab. The cab driver arrived at 11:15 AM and raced me, without the ex, to the airport. But it was too late. The flight had already taken off.

In a panic, I ran around the airport trying to find the counter for my airlines. It was nowhere to be found. It didn't exist. I was searching frantically, trying to get anyone to help, but no one responded. Every person I approached simply laughed at me and walked away. I was in a deep panic, not sure of how I was going to get where I needed to go, unsure of why I was even traveling.

Then my alarm went off and I was awake. Sweating and confused. In a haze, I sat and thought about this for a bit. What is going on in my mind? Why after a month of being unable to recall any dreams, good or bad, did this come out? Why now?

According to some online dream analysis, the meaning could be that I am taking on too much in my life. It could symbolize difficulty in making decisions about new opportunities, deep fear of change, confusion about making decisions for my future, regret and sadness for a missed opportunity, etc. Sounds pretty on par with what I'm dealing with these days.

I talked with a good friend a lot this weekend and he did a great job of listening and letting me go through the motions. In the process of going from a Friday night of feeling unsettled, fearful, stuck and unwanted to the calming clarity on Sunday night, I have realized something very important in the healing process of becoming a healthier and happier person. I am in control of how much emotional importance I put on situations or people. The space someone takes up in my life and how much I invest in them emotionally is actually my choice, not theirs. I am deserving of the closeness and caring that I put out and will give back what is reciprocated. I have been too available and at the end of the day, the only person hurt is me because of expectations I have set in my mind for someone to feel the same and act the same as I do. It is something I know I will need to remind myself of often. It is something I will need to actively practice. I often give a lot to those I care about and feel slighted when I do not get that in return. The only thing I can truly change is how I react and the decisions I make in response to their actions.

I have great friends and a compassionate support system that I am so thankful to have. I know I am not alone, even if I may physically be for moments in my life. Life is hard right now, but the journey will be all part of my story in the end and what has made me a more dynamic individual.

To a few of my friends who are experiencing their own pain right now – don’t give up. Breathe. Relax. Be present in the moment. Feel it, as uncomfortable as it may be. And own it! Easier said than done I realize, but it is not impossible. And I’m right there with you.

Putting Things Into Perspective

It has been quite a while since I blogged. Since February to be exact. Reading through my past entries nothing seems quite as important or dramatic as it did then, especially given the series of events that have occurred in my life the past several months. The desire to write has escaped me. Creativity and motivation have been lacking. That is until today. Today my emotions that have been bottled up and stuff down deep within a part of my mind that I tried so desperately to close off have surfaced. I can't continue to push them away or use momentary conversation and time filler activities to stifle what I feel inside. I can't pretend that I do not feel bad or scared or anxious any longer.

Last year I decided it was time for Tom and I to separate. After being together 12 long years I no longer recognized who I had become. I am no longer the 19 year old dreamer lacking direction and goals. I am no longer the child living in the moment, spending money frivolously on copious amounts of alcohol and long evenings with friends at a dive bar shooting pool. I am no longer the girl living in the moment, even if the moment was not worth living in. I am 31 years old, responsible, driven, dedicated to higher education, inspired by personal growth and possibilities. I want a family, a home, security, an equal partnership, passion and romance, and unconditional love. Tom and I are not who we once were as young kids.

Life has not been easy for us. My dad passed away when I was 20. He was everything to me. My inspiration and my best friend. He was my hero. Tom stood by my side when most of my friend disappeared. When the weight of knowing my father was never coming back finally hit me, Tom was there to hold me up. He was my guiding light and the strength for both of us to keep life going. He was my glue.

Today, 11 years after my dad passed away I am a stronger woman. I have regained the strength I lost when he passed away and have goals I am working towards. I have a great amount of drive and work hard for what I want. I have become a motivated, professional with a solid head on my shoulders and a need to succeed. In all this work to better myself and grow I grew apart from the joint goals Tom and I shared. I grew apart from him and we no longer had any passion. We no longer had any romance. We did not share the same goals and had to come to terms with the fact that we were really just friends.

I tell you all this not to gain your sympathy or pity, but simply to purge the pit in my stomach and the aching on my heart. I am writing this selfishly for me, but perhaps it may help you too. I realized through all this that we never really know what is going on in someones life. They could be struggling with their own failed marriage or some other life-altering decision but not feel comfortable sharing it with the world. So here I am - putting it all out there.

I filed for divorce on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It was a complete coincidence, but if you are like me, you believe there is no such thing as a coincidence. A new, fresh start to a new year. I can't begin to tell you how scary this is. Today is Yom Kippur and I am really struggling. Today is especially difficult. I am sad. Very fucking sad. Today I am mourning a loss of not only my marriage, but also my father and as a result of his passing the loss of my family. No one is together anymore. There was no where to break the fast. I am sitting alone at home, writing a blog, breaking the fast by myself. The irony of this entire situation is my greatest fear has always been being completely alone. The thought of being alone has given me anxiety. I am uncomfortable in silence. Yet I chose to end my marriage and accept a life of solitude.

On Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, I am asking for forgiveness to my friends who I have neglected as a result of being unhappy. I ask for forgiveness from my family who I have distanced myself from since my dad passed away. I ask for forgiveness from my mom who I know I have let down by getting divorced. And I ask Tom for forgiveness for giving up on our marriage by leaving.

I know there are better days ahead of me and a life of happiness. This is but a moment in time, and like the other blog entries I wrote, this too will seem inconsequential in the years to come as time passes by. It is all about perspective.