Old Friends Who Just Met

Last night I met a very old friend, whom I haven’t seen in 7 years, for a drink. I parked a few blocks away and walked to the bar; trying to expel any nervous energy from anticipating what it would be like spending time together after so many years. I got there early, as I typically do when I’m nervous, and sat at a table eagerly awaiting an awkward hello. I expected the night to be extremely uncomfortable, not knowing what to say and full of uncomfortable silences and speaking over one another. I was not sure if we would be able to resume our friendship after such an abrupt end 7 years ago.

As my friend walked in there was an instant sense of comfort and familiarity, as if those 7 very busy years were just a moment in time, like we had never lost touch. I completely forgot any reason why we stopped talking at that moment. I got up and gave him a hug and couldn’t wait to hear his story, congratulate him on his marriage, find out how his family was doing, and get to know him all over again for the man he had become.

The night continued on and time flew by without us even noticing. It was so enjoyable getting to know what he had been doing with his life and learn about his beautiful wife and their relationship. It was great to find out about how his family, which I once felt was family of my own, was doing. It felt as if the evening ended too quickly and we both parted ways, promising to be in each others lives.  

The most amazing part of the night was not that we were able to pick up a friendship as if no time had passed. My friend did something I consider extremely classy and admirable. It was something many people never do. He apologized for any time he was not a good friend. He explained himself and took ownership of not being a good friend to me when I needed hi m when my dad got sick and passed away. He shared his disappointment with himself for not being there at my wedding. It was already water under the bridge for me, but hearing his words was powerful.

It takes real courage to apologize for something like that. It takes responsibility and true character to be honest with yourself and others about your flaws and take ownership of wrongdoing. He may never fully know how much that meant to me.

I am very lucky to get second chances like this in my life. To know that I have a friend who thought about his actions and made good on bad behavior and that I too could apologize for any times I was not there as I should have been. It was one of the most honest and real conversations I’ve had with a friend and a moment in my life I will never forget.

My friend is back and I am looking forward to years of friendship, getting to know his family and the life he lives now as an adult. I am glad that we have both become mature adults and are able to know each other at this point in our lives. It really was a holiday gift to have our friendship rekindled. I have so much to be thankful for.

A New Beginning for Old Friends

I had a good friend who was an important part of my early to mid-twenties. It was that silly kind of friendship where you spend a majority of your time together laughing and being completely stupid. He was like a crazy slightly older brother who felt like family.  I thought we would always be friends, watch each other get married and start our own families. Sadly, things didn't go that way.

He and I had a falling out several years ago. Over that period of time I often thought of our friendship fondly. I missed him and wondered what happened that caused a rift  between us. The more time passed I gave up hope that I would ever talk to him again and get understanding and closure.

But today I got a gift just in time for Chanukah. He accepted a friend request on Facebook that I had sent quite some time ago. It was not only out of nowhere that he accepted my request, but was also on a day when I was driving home from work thinking about friendship and the past and the hopes I have for my future. And then all of a sudden I get a message from him.

I am very thankful that I get another chance to talk to him and explain what happened in my eyes and apologize for being a total bitch. I get a chance to hear him out, see the man he has become and get to know who he is today. I know I'm so different from the punk, mess of a girl that I was in my mid-twenties and I'm sure he's grown in a big way as well.

I consider moments like these validation for the way I try to live my life. I work very hard at a demanding job and on myself personally. I'm always looking within and trying to improve. I want to be the best I can as a friend, lover, daughter, mentor, employee. I am glad that he decided to reach out to me today. I was not mature enough to open dialogue between us until now. I was not over feeling hurt that he gave up on our friendship. I had to go through all the change and painful experiences in my life to become more understanding and who I am as an adult today so that I was mature enough for a better, stronger friendship. 

I am looking forward to meeting with him on Monday, catching up on all the time we lost and learning who he is now. I hope that he is forgiving for any way I was a bad friend in the past. I know that everything in my mind is water under the bridge and I am just happy to have another chance at having my friend in my life.

Chanukah this year has started off very different than the previous years. The gifts I'm receiving are not tangible or monetary. They are richer and more important. I am given the gift of second chances, self confidence, true friendship, love and affection.

Missed Flight

I haven’t been able to remember dreams for a while. Today, however, was a different story. It was another restless night. I had a vivid dream about traveling and missing my flight. I had a flight at 11:27 AM out of LAX. I packed the night before, got all of my work and boarding pass ready to go. I'm unsure exactly where I was going or what the purpose of the trip was, but I was definitely still married and he and I were going to go on this trip together.

The morning of the trip everything seemed off. I was running late and had to go to a park-and-ride type of facility to get a rental golf cart, which they explained was the only way to get into the airport. This unplanned change of transportation left me worried that I would not make it home to get the bags and get to the airport in time for the flight.  

I pushed down hard on the gas driving the cart at maximum speed, making my way home, which was actually my mother’s house in the San Fernando Valley. My ex was there taking his time, playing in the pool (which doesn't even exist at my mom's house in reality). I paced back and forth and glanced at the clock, realizing it was 11:09 AM. I wasn't going to make it. I ditched the golf cart in my mom’s garage and called a cab. The cab driver arrived at 11:15 AM and raced me, without the ex, to the airport. But it was too late. The flight had already taken off.

In a panic, I ran around the airport trying to find the counter for my airlines. It was nowhere to be found. It didn't exist. I was searching frantically, trying to get anyone to help, but no one responded. Every person I approached simply laughed at me and walked away. I was in a deep panic, not sure of how I was going to get where I needed to go, unsure of why I was even traveling.

Then my alarm went off and I was awake. Sweating and confused. In a haze, I sat and thought about this for a bit. What is going on in my mind? Why after a month of being unable to recall any dreams, good or bad, did this come out? Why now?

According to some online dream analysis, the meaning could be that I am taking on too much in my life. It could symbolize difficulty in making decisions about new opportunities, deep fear of change, confusion about making decisions for my future, regret and sadness for a missed opportunity, etc. Sounds pretty on par with what I'm dealing with these days.

I talked with a good friend a lot this weekend and he did a great job of listening and letting me go through the motions. In the process of going from a Friday night of feeling unsettled, fearful, stuck and unwanted to the calming clarity on Sunday night, I have realized something very important in the healing process of becoming a healthier and happier person. I am in control of how much emotional importance I put on situations or people. The space someone takes up in my life and how much I invest in them emotionally is actually my choice, not theirs. I am deserving of the closeness and caring that I put out and will give back what is reciprocated. I have been too available and at the end of the day, the only person hurt is me because of expectations I have set in my mind for someone to feel the same and act the same as I do. It is something I know I will need to remind myself of often. It is something I will need to actively practice. I often give a lot to those I care about and feel slighted when I do not get that in return. The only thing I can truly change is how I react and the decisions I make in response to their actions.

I have great friends and a compassionate support system that I am so thankful to have. I know I am not alone, even if I may physically be for moments in my life. Life is hard right now, but the journey will be all part of my story in the end and what has made me a more dynamic individual.

To a few of my friends who are experiencing their own pain right now – don’t give up. Breathe. Relax. Be present in the moment. Feel it, as uncomfortable as it may be. And own it! Easier said than done I realize, but it is not impossible. And I’m right there with you.

Happy Day - The Best Kinda Day

Getting in a quick blog before meeting a friend for dinner. There is something so nice about ending the day with a good laugh to make your work day feel in sync and eventful. It's like despite things being a chaotic shit show, everything at the moment worked smoothly and felt right. A little laughter and silly humor goes a long way. 

I am really looking forward to dinner with my friend. It's been a while since we've hung out and it's been a while since I've been out. 

I got into a conversation today accountability and being for the choices we make. I have, for better or worse, made the choices I have and must live with the outcome or make changes. It's comforting to know that there are other people in the same boat; that it's not just me dealing with a complicated life.

I am constantly tossing this question around in my mind: is life really about moving from one situation to another trying to stay afloat, getting over one hurdle to have things enjoyable for only a brief moment before reaching the next challenge? Is that really living a happy life? 

This year has quickly become the year for change. I am going to work hard to fix that which I feel is broken or reconfigure what I see needs tweaking. Life is so short, I feel like I might as well enjoy the ride even if it is a momentary trip to the next challenge. 

Today was a positive day, one could even say a fun day. All things must really happen for a reason.