Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and the closer it gets the more I contemplate the idea of thankfulness and reflect on the past year. Being completely honest, I have really struggled to recognize the things in my life that I am thankful for this past year. I have been completely consumed by all of the change that has taken place and have had a difficult time seeing past my own negativity, self doubt, fears and emotions.

Last night I did a five minute grounding meditation, aware of my body and the tension I store in different places, connecting to the front and back of my body, in tune with the rhythm of my breath. I let my mind wander to all that I want to move past and then beyond that, to all that I am thankful for currently in the present moment. With each deep breath in I thought about something I was working towards, and as I let each breath out, I expelled any worry or fear I have in accomplishing my goal.

Today I am thankful for a second chance. I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life, even the painful moments and tragic losses. As a little girl, I remember laying in my ivory metal trundle bed looking up at the stars peeking through the trees outside my window, thinking about my adult life. I imagined I would be happily married with children of my own, a big brown dog, fun afternoons filled with family outings and home cooked family dinners. I had the idea that I would have a typical traditional lifestyle. My dream did not include losing my dad within three months of a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer at 20 years old or getting divorced at 31 and starting over, with limited savings and a tiny apartment. My dream didn't include losing half of my family after my father passed away due to irreconcilable differences. The vision I had for my future definitely did not include struggling this much.

But today, instead of looking at this struggle and all the pain as a negative thing, I approach it a bit differently. Everything that has happened in my life, for better or worse, has shaped me. The struggle has made me stronger and self sufficient. I have survived and will continue, regardless of how much shit is thrown at me along the way.

This weekend I had a conversation with someone about what we give up when we get into a relationship and losing track of parts of our personality that we used to love. It is unfortunate, but this happens more often than not. Often times we meet someone and fall in love, doing whatever it takes to be with them, even if that means giving up hobbies or parts of our identity that make us who we are. Its a huge sacrifice to make, and not necessarily a good one. I am so thankful for a second chance to be able to rebuild my identity and find the things that make me happy, that I love to be a part of and feel passionate for. I am thankful for being able to start over and choose for me what it is I want to do with my life. In discussing this my friend recalls parts of who he was years ago before getting married that he really enjoyed about himself, yet over time as a sacrifice he made for his relationship, that guy ceased to exist. I can relate to this, as who I am today is a more rigid, mature and focused version of the girl I was when I first started dating my ex. I have lost the spontaneity and creativity that I once had and loved about myself. I was never this much in my own head and feel like I've really lost touch of the things I am passionate about.

Sometimes we need someone in our lives to remind us that we were once happy. To give us that slap in the face wake up call, showing us that we were once a happier person, loving life and finding enjoyment in a great many things. Sometimes we need to close our own eyes and look at our lives through the lens of someone else. I hope my friend can remember what he was told, seeing the great attributes of the man he once was, and is able to get back to the time he was most content. I wish for him and anyone else going through pain the ability to accept these situations for what they are and move past them, finding a new way of living happily, working towards a better future.

To conclude this entry, I have made a list of what I am thankful for this holiday season:

• I am thankful for the ability to start over, alive and healthy, and work towards a good future.
• I am thankful for my family (what is left of it) and my dear friends who have been my lifeline through all this change.
• I am thankful for my job, providing me a decent income to sustain and start over financially
• I am thankful for my health, both physical and mental.
• I am thankful for my emotions, while it may not always be easy to process, I am still able to feel and would rather feel something even pain than feel nothing at all.
• I am thankful for connectivity, being able to find someone who thinks like I do, understands, and appreciates the world in a way similar to myself.
• I am thankful for new beginnings, learning to trust and love again.
• I am thankful for my past, because without it I would not be who I am today.
• I am thankful for my future, and the endless possibilities.
• I am thankful for those who read my writing.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Wishing you the best this holiday season.

Good Morning World

Hello world. There is a cold chill in the early morning air. Wearing several layers and sweatpants I step outside with a hot cup of coffee and greet the new day with positive thoughts and a hopeful outlook. 

I went to sleep with far too heavy thoughts and worry. I fell asleep feeling unsettled. I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream that carried the theme of my last blog entry and it took a while to calm down and fall back to sleep.

Here I am now, up early and ready to see what the day has in store for me.  I used to practice positive affirmations, telling myself 3 things I was proud of about myself every morning while taking a shower. Going through the end of my marriage that habit fell by the wayside. I decided this morning it was time to bring that back. In all of my self examination of things I consider flaws that need tweaking, I have forgotten to appreciate what is good about myself. 

Remembering to focus on the positive and what is directly at hand is actually harder than it sounds. It is difficult not to look into the future and worry about all the things that may stop you or get you down. It's hard to not get anxious from things others do out of your control or things that you consider unfair. But we must try and be aware of the affects this way of thinking have on us and those in our lives. 

Sitting here as the sunrise peaks through the trees, taking a deep breath and holding onto the awareness of my body and my presence, I am thankful for the possibilities of the day; the week; the year. I understand with good comes the bad and I will take everything that comes my way in stride. 

Morning Meditation

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 I woke up this morning, kept my eyes closed, and took a deep breath aware of the flow of oxygen in my body; aware of my life and who I am. I kept my eyes closed and focused on my breath, bringing in positive thoughts with every inhale and expelling the negative thoughts with every breath out. I let my mind wander and found myself thinking about the woman I am today. I smile now reflecting on the start to my morning as I am acutely aware of who I am and how different I have become. I am present in every moment and much more subdued, knowing the true meaning of picking my battles.

In moving forward with any relationship, be it friendship or love, I have come to understand that communication is the most vital component. A relationship, in my opinion, is not going to last without this. And it seems like today there are so many rules on how we should "properly communicate" with a friend or partner. "Don't give out too much information about yourself because you don't want to seem too available," or "if a friend asks for advice don't be too honest because you don't want to offend," or "don't share too many feelings with someone because it will push them away." I feel like I need a manual to have a conversation with someone these days. People wonder why I feel such a lack of confidence in communicating or making decisions. Well, this is why.

With my eyes closed this morning I realized that I am happy being who I am now, a more muted version of my previously bull headed, boisterous personality. Of course I still have opinions, however I keep a lot to myself and analyze its importance before sharing. I have a much greater filter that I use more frequently. I enjoy being quiet and taking things in more than speaking and being heard. I find it exciting and enjoyable to have someone else make decisions or do more of the talking. I have really changed, mostly because of all I have been through in my life, especially in the past few years.

As I started to open my eyes I thought about all the different opinions I've heard recently about communication. I started to think about how I communicate my wants, thoughts and fears to those in my life. I realized I do not want to have to follow a specific set of parameters in order to share with someone how I feel. If I am bothered by something I should be able to say it and know that someone is receptive and open minded enough to take it in with a grain of salt, even if it is not something they may agree with. I shouldn't have to stifle expressing a feeling because I am afraid it will be poorly received. And in turn I need to always keep an open mind and be receptive to hearing how others feel, even if it may make me upset.

I am not in the business of playing games. I am a firm believer in tell it like it is and be honest and true to your feelings. I am not going to shy away from someone because they are honest, even if it is something I didn't want to hear. I am more likely to run from someone who is too afraid to speak their mind or plays games instead of using their words.

My final thought as I got out of bed was that I value certain things in my life more than I ever thought I would. I am more traditional than I realized. I like to say good morning and good night to those I care about, and really feel that there is value to good, solid communication. I like to make sure people know I am present and expect the same in return. I value quality time over quantity more than I ever did before. It is not about how much time you can spend with someone, but the quality of the time you do have that is truly important. I am way more sensitive than I ever realized. Yes, I like to joke around a hell of a lot, but deep down inside I am a girl with feelings and emotions and all that girly stuff I fought against for so many years. I am an emotional creature and can be quite gentle and loving.

I started my day with an awareness of the body and my presence in the world and in the lives of those I love. I allowed my emotions to be felt and my thoughts to exist and not be shoved down into a place of nonexistence. I smile as I finish this blog because I am happy. I am happy with what I have and look forward to what I can gain over time. I am happy with those in my life and look forward to time with them. I have a lot to celebrate and am actively making an effort to embrace who I am on a daily basis.