Last night I did a five minute grounding meditation, aware of my body and the tension I store in different places, connecting to the front and back of my body, in tune with the rhythm of my breath. I let my mind wander to all that I want to move past and then beyond that, to all that I am thankful for currently in the present moment. With each deep breath in I thought about something I was working towards, and as I let each breath out, I expelled any worry or fear I have in accomplishing my goal.
Today I am thankful for a second chance. I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life, even the painful moments and tragic losses. As a little girl, I remember laying in my ivory metal trundle bed looking up at the stars peeking through the trees outside my window, thinking about my adult life. I imagined I would be happily married with children of my own, a big brown dog, fun afternoons filled with family outings and home cooked family dinners. I had the idea that I would have a typical traditional lifestyle. My dream did not include losing my dad within three months of a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer at 20 years old or getting divorced at 31 and starting over, with limited savings and a tiny apartment. My dream didn't include losing half of my family after my father passed away due to irreconcilable differences. The vision I had for my future definitely did not include struggling this much.
But today, instead of looking at this struggle and all the pain as a negative thing, I approach it a bit differently. Everything that has happened in my life, for better or worse, has shaped me. The struggle has made me stronger and self sufficient. I have survived and will continue, regardless of how much shit is thrown at me along the way.
This weekend I had a conversation with someone about what we give up when we get into a relationship and losing track of parts of our personality that we used to love. It is unfortunate, but this happens more often than not. Often times we meet someone and fall in love, doing whatever it takes to be with them, even if that means giving up hobbies or parts of our identity that make us who we are. Its a huge sacrifice to make, and not necessarily a good one. I am so thankful for a second chance to be able to rebuild my identity and find the things that make me happy, that I love to be a part of and feel passionate for. I am thankful for being able to start over and choose for me what it is I want to do with my life. In discussing this my friend recalls parts of who he was years ago before getting married that he really enjoyed about himself, yet over time as a sacrifice he made for his relationship, that guy ceased to exist. I can relate to this, as who I am today is a more rigid, mature and focused version of the girl I was when I first started dating my ex. I have lost the spontaneity and creativity that I once had and loved about myself. I was never this much in my own head and feel like I've really lost touch of the things I am passionate about.
Sometimes we need someone in our lives to remind us that we were once happy. To give us that slap in the face wake up call, showing us that we were once a happier person, loving life and finding enjoyment in a great many things. Sometimes we need to close our own eyes and look at our lives through the lens of someone else. I hope my friend can remember what he was told, seeing the great attributes of the man he once was, and is able to get back to the time he was most content. I wish for him and anyone else going through pain the ability to accept these situations for what they are and move past them, finding a new way of living happily, working towards a better future.
To conclude this entry, I have made a list of what I am thankful for this holiday season:
- I am thankful for the ability to start over, alive and healthy, and work towards a good future.
- I am thankful for my family (what is left of it) and my dear friends who have been my lifeline through all this change.
- I am thankful for my job, providing me a decent income to sustain and start over financially
- I am thankful for my health, both physical and mental.
- I am thankful for my emotions, while it may not always be easy to process, I am still able to feel and would rather feel something even pain than feel nothing at all.
- I am thankful for connectivity, being able to find someone who thinks like I do, understands, and appreciates the world in a way similar to myself.
- I am thankful for new beginnings, learning to trust and love again.
- I am thankful for my past, because without it I would not be who I am today.
- I am thankful for my future, and the endless possibilities.
- I am thankful for those who read my writing.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Wishing you the best this holiday season.
No comments:
Post a Comment