A Big Regret

Getting back to where I left off in the first blog, I will explain life in my twenties and how I miraculously ended up where I am today. Ok, it wasn't a miracle; I actually worked really hard in the last 8 or so years towards the place I am now without even realizing I was on a set path. But before that I made some interesting choices...

With a lack of desire to educate myself, I abandoned University of Massachusetts and came back to the beautiful San Fernando Valley. A part of me realizes now I should have stayed in school and got that stupid degree so I would not have to fight so hard for everything in my later years when I decided to grow up and be a contributing member of adult society. 

Once home I attended SMC when I felt it was important to go to class, but mostly spent my time sleeping until 12 or 1 pm, playing pool and drinking copious amounts of alcohol nightly. I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and threw my middle finger up in the air at the rest of the world. I was clearly depressed and lost and had zero confidence, but it was easier to mask those feelings and issues with drugs and alcohol then address them with a professional. And honestly, I liked to party. My party persona was outgoing, invincible, carefree and confident as hell. She was sexy, flirty, fun and wild. I was two parts punk, one part grunge, one party free spirit.

During all this I met a guy, who we shall refer to as B, at my local Starbucks. I feel madly in love with him or so I thought at the time…truth be told I had no clue what real love was. A few months into our relationship I found out he had a 3 year old son and a wife who he had not technically divorced back home in Arizona. The fact that he hid this very vital information from me should have been the initial warning sign. But I was young and head over heels crazy for him and couldn’t see past my irrational emotions and the mystique of his artistic charm. 

B and I dated for a year or so and in that time I got my own apartment, he got evicted from his, moved into mine, and I paid the bills. I was managing a wine accessories kiosk at the Westfield Century City shopping mall selling these super cheesy wine bottle holders, wine tasting kits, glass charms, etc. It wasn't a glamorous job but it paid the bills (barely). Eventually I hired B so he could have some income since he had been fired from various Starbucks’ at least a few times for stealing. I was so blinded by the poetic dreamer persona of his that I didn't realize how much of a bad person he was and how immature I was at the time. I was too trusting and found no fault in him hanging out with my girlfriends without me there.  Naturally what follows is the discovery that he was sleeping with my close friend while I was at work making money for us to survive. Of course drugs and alcohol were involved, but so was bad judgment and dishonesty.  And two consenting adults who should have known better. So that was it; I forced him out at 3 am and kept all of his belongings, most of them I'm sure I paid for anyhow.

The reason I am explaining this whole part of my life now is because it is another turning point where I made the wrong choice and suffered a terrible consequence as a result. My father met B and knew right away that he was not the right guy for me. He warned me that he was troubled and that he was without goals or direction and that if I was not careful I too would be sucked into that world. Much to my detriment I ignored his advice and continued my relationship. This angered my father so much and challenged the closeness we had with one another.  He knew better but I wouldn’t recognize it and didn’t want him to be right. I wanted to prove I was an adult capable of making the right decisions for my life, when in all actuality I was still a child. I didn’t know anything. I should have listened to my dad.

The consequence for my relationship with B was losing a year of time with my father. A year I should have spent with my father building memories rather than with someone who would end up hurting me. A year I should have spent with my father considering he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer the year after. It is something I have terrible regret for and wish I could do over. But it also served as a wakeup call to me, reminding me that you never know what is in the cards for your future. Anyone can get sick or have something happen that is out of the ordinary and out of their control. Life happens whether we like it or not, and so we must get our priorities in order and be true to ourselves and our families. We must look beyond the here and now and make decisions based on the long term or overall happiness. 

Think better, act smarter, love more, and fight less. And most importantly, listen to the ones who love us who most likely do know what is best even if it pisses you off! 

Evil Unknown

Brace yourself, it's about to get personal.

I want to bring things back to what made me start this blog in the first place - a detailed look at my life, my struggles and greatest fears. The obstacles in my way. 

I have bad anxiety. Constantly. I have learned coping mechanisms and various tools to quiet my inner voice, but it is work. I use humor to deflect real feelings a lot of the time and am always afraid I am not accepted or liked. According to my inner voice I have never been smart enough, pretty enough, or worthy of being respected. I am not deserving of close friendships, accolades or praise for hard work, or a loving relationship. I am my own worst enemy with a defeatist attitude and a cynical spirit. 

The worst of it is that I overcompensate by acting confident and comfortable in my own skin...fake it till you make it... But I'm exhausted! I am tired of caring and trying so fucking hard. I am sick of my inner bitch telling me what I can't do or why I'm too ugly to associate with pretty people or that don't have enough zeros in my annual salary to be considered respectable.

Another detrimental flaw of mine is fear of humiliation. I am constantly tortured with the notion that I will be humiliated in some way. One big one is making fun of my laugh...sounds so ridiculous when I write it out, but it's true. I loathe humiliation when I don't see the joke coming. When I am caught off guard by a joke made at my expense my world rips apart at the seams. 

It would only be natural that I also fear public speaking, even if its a group of five. It just opens up way too many chances of doing or saying something foolish and worthy of group laughter.

 I used to be a lot worse; not getting out of my car at a public place to meet someone until they arrived, not going places I really wanted to go to because I was alone...I have made major strides as a more confident person since then, but there is much more improvement needed.

I realized recently that it all stems from one major fear that is the undercurrent of my emotions - fear of the unknown. The unknown to me is as scary and uncharted as the deepest part of the big blue. It is where anything can happen, the Bermuda Triangle of actions and reactions and it scares the shit out of me. I am an eternal planner and a control freak. I don't know what to do with situations out of my control, unexpected run ins with people, unanticipated questions, things going against the original plan. The unknown is my mental apocalypse. 

If what they say is true, the first step to getting past this is admitting I have a problem. So fuck it, I have a big, dark, scary problem! (That's what she said) 

Along with my weight loss I need to trim the fat on these unhealthy fears. I need to  punch my nasty inner bitch in the throat and focus on my positive attributes. I hope one day to have a quiet mind and a full heart, unburdened by the limitations and harsh critique I put on myself.

Pop Rotten Youth

I was in a store and heard this song...it is Crazy Kids by Kesha (or Ke$ha for you cool kids)...if this is what speaks to the children of today I am very afraid for what the future holds when these kids become decision makers.

Hello, wherever you are
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars
We don't give a fuck cause that's just who we are
And we are, we are we are, we are we are
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids
And we are, we are we are, we are we are
The crazy kids, we are the
We are the crazy people

The Justin Bieber generation will inevitably grow up and become the adult leaders of our society. But with role models like Kesha speaking to their hearts, I wonder if these giant babies will ever mature. Kesha is an artist produced in a room, told to look a certain way. Molded as a money making machine with no real talent, just a feather in her hair and some glitter on her face. She is merely a right place, right time generic pop sensation that could be easily replaced by any other sun kissed face with blond hair.

I have heard a 7 year old sing this song, word for word, not necessarily understanding what they were saying, but they were hooked nonetheless. This song teaches our youth to say fuck it all and that life is a constant party so go get bombed. This song makes me think of teenage pregnancy, a mass epidemic of gonorrhea, and an increase in drug addiction. Life is hard enough without the influence of Kesha, Nicki Minaj, even Selena Gomez, although from tonight's research she seems to be the least offensive of young pop artists. There is so much pressure on young girls to be skinny, sexy, and popular from media and music. I have never been more thankful that I was raised on good old classic rock and roll than today.

Most teenagers have never heard of Rush, AC/DC, Kiss, even Red Hot Chili Peppers. They cannot name one song by Led Zeppelin. If you ask a teenager who Ozzy Osbourne is they may tell you "that goth guy from that reality show", but have never heard of his band Black Sabbath. And forget knowing Ronnie James Dio, Jim Morrison, or Freddie Mercury! It is a goddamn shame that the music of today consists of cheesy pop beats and repetitive lyrics with no deeper meaning than "I want to slap that ass" or "let's get drunk in a club then do things we'll regret in the morning."

I wonder if this is how my parents thought of my music and my friends growing up. I am of the age of grunge and hard rock, once a devoted Kurt Cobain fan. I used to listen to Sabbath, Metallica and the Chili Peppers in my room at an ungodly decibel and I can only imagine how my parents felt; probably the exact way I feel about kids and their music now. They didn't get me and I do not understand the younger generation today. I think we are doing a great disservice to society promoting artists like Kesha and it is about time we bring back true rock and roll.  In the words of the great AC/DC, "for those about to rock, we salute you."

 

Forever Friends

It has to be said – I have some really great friends, especially the friendships I have cultivated over the past few years. Knowing Father’s Day was especially difficult for me, I had a few friends reach out with words of encouragement and understanding and made me feel so loved. I am a lucky girl. It showed me that while I am saddened by the fact that my father is not in my life, I am loved by others so much and that family is whatever you decide it should be; friends or otherwise.

Speaking of friendship, my father had over 400 people attend his funeral. They were all close friends. Some were friends from elementary school, others from his time at USC. Even the FedEx delivery man was there to share his condolences as he and my father bonded over lengthy conversations about college basketball. 

I have not maintained my friendships in the same fashion. My life has been filled with so many different types of friends from many different places. Quite a few friendships have dissipated over the years, especially those from childhood. There are a couple of people who I was once close with who have over embedded themselves in my social network. These people are in my life out of ceremony and obligation. 

Because of this I have spent the past several months trying to reconnect with friendships lost over time. It has been like meeting strangers for the first time, getting to know them for the adult they have become and likewise them getting to know me. While there are a few people who I will continue to spend time with, there are many others who were great friends during one point in my life, but are on completely different paths today. Some people have not progressed and are in the same place they were when we were last friends ten years ago. Some people are so different there is absolutely no common ground. 

Finding people to build lasting, quality friendships with is not easy. Trust is something I struggle with as I have had too many people burn me in my past. There are very few friends in my life that I let see every aspect of my personality, the good the bad and the ugly. Expectations are another issue. I have very high expectations for friends in terms of flakiness and being truthful, caring people. I put 100% effort into my friendships, am a firm believer in loyalty, and have zero tolerance for drama. I have had enough drama in my life to know that nothing good comes from a jealous, fair-weather friendship. 

As a result of everything that has happened with various friendships over the years I have to fight against becoming jaded and thinking everyone will disappear in the end or wrong me in some way. All I can do is focus on being a better friend, better listener and better confidant to the people I care about in my life and in return hope they do the same for me.

I know now, especially after yesterday, that I have met some truly amazing people that I hope to keep in my life for the long haul.

Dan The Man

Today is a hard day. I used to love Father's Day. I loved every day I spent with my dad, but father's day was a time I could make things extra special for him to show him how much love I had for him. Whether it was a creative project or a store bought gift, I loved putting something special together for him to show him how appreciative I was of his care and love.

Today Father's Day falls right along side his birthday, my birthday, any anniversary date, etc. - another reminder of his absence and a stinging on my heart that he is not around for the future. A whole day dedicated to showing appreciation and love to our father's and I am unable to do so.

Social media makes this even worse. Post after post of pictures of friends and their fathers paying homage to their strong male role models who they love so dearly. I want to be happy for everyone, I really do. I want to be happy that they have such wonderful father's in their lives that they love so much who are around to celebrate the good times and help them through times that are tough. But there is a part of me that is jealous that they have all this and that my father, so good and so kind, was taken from my life too early and is not here for me to show him how much good he has done for me in my own life and how much I have learned as a result of him.  

I must confess I can barely remember his voice. Actually most of the time I cannot recall the timber in his voice as he said my name. I can barely remember his face if I am not looking at a picture. I can slightly remember his smell in his suit shirts when he came home from work and gave me a hug after walking in the door to our house. I have no recollection of his laugh. I wish I did and never thought a day would come where I would forget. I want to remember everything and fear that a day will come where I cannot remember him at all. And then he will really be gone for eternity. I feel like small but detailed memories like the creases on his brow or the pitch to his laugh or the memories of moments in time like my first birthday or Saturday's at the Venice High basketball courts are what keeps his spirit on this earth. It preserves him in my mind and keeps his presence in my life. I know there will be a day where I will have forgotten all these details and he will be officially gone forever. I am scared and sad for that day to come.

On this Father's Day I will try extra hard to remember. And I will use the pictures posted by my friends as motivation to keep my father in my life through the memories in my mind and the love in my heart. I will work harder in his honor to live as he did and be a better person; nicer to others, more helpful to strangers, less judgmental to those less fortunate or who I do not understand. If he cannot be here with me I will life for him in my daily life. My memories may fade with passing time but he will live on in my actions. Dan the Man will live on forever.

Stuck in a Rut

Saturdays are tough. I look forward to the weekend during the work week because I can turn my alarm off and attempt to sleep in; because I do not technically "have" to be anywhere I do not want to be, except whatever obligations or commitments I have willingly signed up for. Yet whenever Saturday rolls around I struggle to find the motivation to do much of anything. I have started a habit of forcing myself to commit to plans; this way I have to get my ass up and do something with my day. I am not sure if I am just exhausted from hard work throughout the week or if I am bored with my options of activities. Maybe I am depressed. Perhaps overwhelmed. Quite possibly a bit of it all.

I am going to have breakfast with two good friends. I am waiting until the very last minute to take a shower and get dressed and throw some makeup on my face. I am not sure why and in my mind I want to be proactive and get ready early and look cute for girls brunch, but I just don't do it.

I think I am approaching my bottom in terms of body image and weight loss. I worked my ass off a few years ago to get down to a confident, skinny, sexy me. I worked out every day, ate healthy, was committed to working out and being active, hiked every Sunday. And as a result I was happy with myself, confident in who I was and really felt sexy, which was a real first for me.

Since those two years I have had many changes in my life; lemons thrown my way. I have quit smoking which as we all know is a sure fire way to pack on the pounds. I have switched jobs to a place I absolutely love, but spent a year commuting an hour and a half each day, eating in my car, eating badly at night, barely going to the gym because of lack of time. I had some family drama - grandma passed away and my mom had a freak accident breaking her arm in half. I've had relationship issues that I have been working on as well as spent more time going out to dinners with new friends. All in all it has added up to me gaining 20 or so pounds back. And I am back to being miserable.

I know its bad when I don't even have it in me to shop. I love textiles and the smell of retail. It is hard to admit, but I have to really restrain myself when it comes to spending money on the things I love. I am a brand snob and get off on the first time I wear a new outfit or break in a pair of new heels. But I can't even find the desire to shop being the weight I am currently. Why would I buy myself something new? I did nothing to deserve it.

I am going to look back at how I did it before; how I accomplished my big weight loss success and start over. Starting over sucks big time. But if I keep putting it off for another day I will be that much farther behind and it will be even more difficult. I also need to find more motivation and encouragement in my life. I need to surround myself with others with similar goals who promote healthiness. I need to push past feeling down and just start doing something because once I am out there the motivation will follow....right? One can only hope...

What's the Hold Up?!

Sometimes I get to my local Starbucks drive-thru before it opens in the morning. If it is only a matter of minutes I simply wait by the order box until they politely greet me and take my order. Seems like a simple concept. But for some waiting 2 minutes for a cup of coffee is a tragedy comparable to cutting off a toe or the apocalypse.

So here I am patiently waiting the two minutes until they open up shop and I've got a fat, cranky old barnacle of a man in a busted contractors truck behind me revving his engine to indicate his displeasure with the situation. I ignored this gesture which might as well have been him clearing his throat loudly and stomping his foot on the ground like a little whiny baby. This pissed him off even more. Then he squeezes his fat, disheveled old head out his window and yells "hey lady, what's the hold up?!" To this I reply, "the drive-thru does not open until 7, which is written on the sign right next to you. THAT'S THE HOLD UP!" With a shocked and appalled look on his face he mutters, "well what's your problem?!" And now agitated and provoked, I reply "you sir are my problem. Your rude attitude first thing in the morning is my problem!" And said angry old buzzard drives away in a huff. 

The morning drive consisted of several angry drivers all jockeying for a better position on the freeway on ramp even though they will all get there at the same time. I was cut off three times and made my horn my best friend. I am so disappointed that I have become this worked up. It's fucking Friday!! 

These types of encounters, which happen more often than not, lead me to lose faith in human decency. I know there are good, patient, pleasant people out there, but it seems like there are less and less around as time goes by. I find I am dealing with snappy, impatient, crotchety people more often than anything else. I am met with a dirty look or a snappy comment more often than a kind person holding the door open for me or saying thank you. 

We all start out in the same place; as a blank slate for our parents to mold and develop into decent members of society. It is their main responsibility to teach us right from wrong and how to be polite and understanding. It is up to them to provide us with tools and knowledge to act accordingly with grace and class. Is it possible that so many have failed? That is a really sad thought that I would like to believe isn't true. 

Maybe it's the pressure of the times- we are all rushing to get up and get to work, to make money to survive. We are an instant gratification society that needs everything bigger, better, faster...NOW! I am at fault of this myself as I am far from sainthood. I am going to make a conscious effort to slow down every now and then and smell the roses so to speak. We could all spend a little more time practicing the fine art of patience and work harder to take things in stride and go with the flow, whatever the flow may be.