Getting back to where I left off in the first blog, I will explain life in my twenties and how I miraculously ended up where I am today. Ok, it wasn't a miracle; I actually worked really hard in the last 8 or so years towards the place I am now without even realizing I was on a set path. But before that I made some interesting choices...
With a lack of desire to educate myself, I abandoned University of Massachusetts and came back to the beautiful San Fernando Valley. A part of me realizes now I should have stayed in school and got that stupid degree so I would not have to fight so hard for everything in my later years when I decided to grow up and be a contributing member of adult society.
Once home I attended SMC when I felt it was important to go to class, but mostly spent my time sleeping until 12 or 1 pm, playing pool and drinking copious amounts of alcohol nightly. I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and threw my middle finger up in the air at the rest of the world. I was clearly depressed and lost and had zero confidence, but it was easier to mask those feelings and issues with drugs and alcohol then address them with a professional. And honestly, I liked to party. My party persona was outgoing, invincible, carefree and confident as hell. She was sexy, flirty, fun and wild. I was two parts punk, one part grunge, one party free spirit.
With a lack of desire to educate myself, I abandoned University of Massachusetts and came back to the beautiful San Fernando Valley. A part of me realizes now I should have stayed in school and got that stupid degree so I would not have to fight so hard for everything in my later years when I decided to grow up and be a contributing member of adult society.
Once home I attended SMC when I felt it was important to go to class, but mostly spent my time sleeping until 12 or 1 pm, playing pool and drinking copious amounts of alcohol nightly. I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and threw my middle finger up in the air at the rest of the world. I was clearly depressed and lost and had zero confidence, but it was easier to mask those feelings and issues with drugs and alcohol then address them with a professional. And honestly, I liked to party. My party persona was outgoing, invincible, carefree and confident as hell. She was sexy, flirty, fun and wild. I was two parts punk, one part grunge, one party free spirit.
During all this I met a guy, who we shall refer to as B, at my local Starbucks. I feel madly in love with him or so I thought at the time…truth be told I had no clue what real love was. A few months into our relationship I found out he had a 3 year old son and a wife who he had not technically divorced back home in Arizona. The fact that he hid this very vital information from me should have been the initial warning sign. But I was young and head over heels crazy for him and couldn’t see past my irrational emotions and the mystique of his artistic charm.
B and I dated for a year or so and in that time I got my own apartment, he got evicted from his, moved into mine, and I paid the bills. I was managing a wine accessories kiosk at the Westfield Century City shopping mall selling these super cheesy wine bottle holders, wine tasting kits, glass charms, etc. It wasn't a glamorous job but it paid the bills (barely). Eventually I hired B so he could have some income since he had been fired from various Starbucks’ at least a few times for stealing. I was so blinded by the poetic dreamer persona of his that I didn't realize how much of a bad person he was and how immature I was at the time. I was too trusting and found no fault in him hanging out with my girlfriends without me there. Naturally what follows is the discovery that he was sleeping with my close friend while I was at work making money for us to survive. Of course drugs and alcohol were involved, but so was bad judgment and dishonesty. And two consenting adults who should have known better. So that was it; I forced him out at 3 am and kept all of his belongings, most of them I'm sure I paid for anyhow.
B and I dated for a year or so and in that time I got my own apartment, he got evicted from his, moved into mine, and I paid the bills. I was managing a wine accessories kiosk at the Westfield Century City shopping mall selling these super cheesy wine bottle holders, wine tasting kits, glass charms, etc. It wasn't a glamorous job but it paid the bills (barely). Eventually I hired B so he could have some income since he had been fired from various Starbucks’ at least a few times for stealing. I was so blinded by the poetic dreamer persona of his that I didn't realize how much of a bad person he was and how immature I was at the time. I was too trusting and found no fault in him hanging out with my girlfriends without me there. Naturally what follows is the discovery that he was sleeping with my close friend while I was at work making money for us to survive. Of course drugs and alcohol were involved, but so was bad judgment and dishonesty. And two consenting adults who should have known better. So that was it; I forced him out at 3 am and kept all of his belongings, most of them I'm sure I paid for anyhow.
The reason I am explaining this whole part of my life now is because it is another turning point where I made the wrong choice and suffered a terrible consequence as a result. My father met B and knew right away that he was not the right guy for me. He warned me that he was troubled and that he was without goals or direction and that if I was not careful I too would be sucked into that world. Much to my detriment I ignored his advice and continued my relationship. This angered my father so much and challenged the closeness we had with one another. He knew better but I wouldn’t recognize it and didn’t want him to be right. I wanted to prove I was an adult capable of making the right decisions for my life, when in all actuality I was still a child. I didn’t know anything. I should have listened to my dad.
The consequence for my relationship with B was losing a year of time with my father. A year I should have spent with my father building memories rather than with someone who would end up hurting me. A year I should have spent with my father considering he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer the year after. It is something I have terrible regret for and wish I could do over. But it also served as a wakeup call to me, reminding me that you never know what is in the cards for your future. Anyone can get sick or have something happen that is out of the ordinary and out of their control. Life happens whether we like it or not, and so we must get our priorities in order and be true to ourselves and our families. We must look beyond the here and now and make decisions based on the long term or overall happiness.
Think better, act smarter, love more, and fight less. And most importantly, listen to the ones who love us who most likely do know what is best even if it pisses you off!
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