Stuck in a Rut

Saturdays are tough. I look forward to the weekend during the work week because I can turn my alarm off and attempt to sleep in; because I do not technically "have" to be anywhere I do not want to be, except whatever obligations or commitments I have willingly signed up for. Yet whenever Saturday rolls around I struggle to find the motivation to do much of anything. I have started a habit of forcing myself to commit to plans; this way I have to get my ass up and do something with my day. I am not sure if I am just exhausted from hard work throughout the week or if I am bored with my options of activities. Maybe I am depressed. Perhaps overwhelmed. Quite possibly a bit of it all.

I am going to have breakfast with two good friends. I am waiting until the very last minute to take a shower and get dressed and throw some makeup on my face. I am not sure why and in my mind I want to be proactive and get ready early and look cute for girls brunch, but I just don't do it.

I think I am approaching my bottom in terms of body image and weight loss. I worked my ass off a few years ago to get down to a confident, skinny, sexy me. I worked out every day, ate healthy, was committed to working out and being active, hiked every Sunday. And as a result I was happy with myself, confident in who I was and really felt sexy, which was a real first for me.

Since those two years I have had many changes in my life; lemons thrown my way. I have quit smoking which as we all know is a sure fire way to pack on the pounds. I have switched jobs to a place I absolutely love, but spent a year commuting an hour and a half each day, eating in my car, eating badly at night, barely going to the gym because of lack of time. I had some family drama - grandma passed away and my mom had a freak accident breaking her arm in half. I've had relationship issues that I have been working on as well as spent more time going out to dinners with new friends. All in all it has added up to me gaining 20 or so pounds back. And I am back to being miserable.

I know its bad when I don't even have it in me to shop. I love textiles and the smell of retail. It is hard to admit, but I have to really restrain myself when it comes to spending money on the things I love. I am a brand snob and get off on the first time I wear a new outfit or break in a pair of new heels. But I can't even find the desire to shop being the weight I am currently. Why would I buy myself something new? I did nothing to deserve it.

I am going to look back at how I did it before; how I accomplished my big weight loss success and start over. Starting over sucks big time. But if I keep putting it off for another day I will be that much farther behind and it will be even more difficult. I also need to find more motivation and encouragement in my life. I need to surround myself with others with similar goals who promote healthiness. I need to push past feeling down and just start doing something because once I am out there the motivation will follow....right? One can only hope...