Evil Unknown

Brace yourself, it's about to get personal.

I want to bring things back to what made me start this blog in the first place - a detailed look at my life, my struggles and greatest fears. The obstacles in my way. 

I have bad anxiety. Constantly. I have learned coping mechanisms and various tools to quiet my inner voice, but it is work. I use humor to deflect real feelings a lot of the time and am always afraid I am not accepted or liked. According to my inner voice I have never been smart enough, pretty enough, or worthy of being respected. I am not deserving of close friendships, accolades or praise for hard work, or a loving relationship. I am my own worst enemy with a defeatist attitude and a cynical spirit. 

The worst of it is that I overcompensate by acting confident and comfortable in my own skin...fake it till you make it... But I'm exhausted! I am tired of caring and trying so fucking hard. I am sick of my inner bitch telling me what I can't do or why I'm too ugly to associate with pretty people or that don't have enough zeros in my annual salary to be considered respectable.

Another detrimental flaw of mine is fear of humiliation. I am constantly tortured with the notion that I will be humiliated in some way. One big one is making fun of my laugh...sounds so ridiculous when I write it out, but it's true. I loathe humiliation when I don't see the joke coming. When I am caught off guard by a joke made at my expense my world rips apart at the seams. 

It would only be natural that I also fear public speaking, even if its a group of five. It just opens up way too many chances of doing or saying something foolish and worthy of group laughter.

 I used to be a lot worse; not getting out of my car at a public place to meet someone until they arrived, not going places I really wanted to go to because I was alone...I have made major strides as a more confident person since then, but there is much more improvement needed.

I realized recently that it all stems from one major fear that is the undercurrent of my emotions - fear of the unknown. The unknown to me is as scary and uncharted as the deepest part of the big blue. It is where anything can happen, the Bermuda Triangle of actions and reactions and it scares the shit out of me. I am an eternal planner and a control freak. I don't know what to do with situations out of my control, unexpected run ins with people, unanticipated questions, things going against the original plan. The unknown is my mental apocalypse. 

If what they say is true, the first step to getting past this is admitting I have a problem. So fuck it, I have a big, dark, scary problem! (That's what she said) 

Along with my weight loss I need to trim the fat on these unhealthy fears. I need to  punch my nasty inner bitch in the throat and focus on my positive attributes. I hope one day to have a quiet mind and a full heart, unburdened by the limitations and harsh critique I put on myself.