Today Father's Day falls right along side his birthday, my birthday, any anniversary date, etc. - another reminder of his absence and a stinging on my heart that he is not around for the future. A whole day dedicated to showing appreciation and love to our father's and I am unable to do so.
Social media makes this even worse. Post after post of pictures of friends and their fathers paying homage to their strong male role models who they love so dearly. I want to be happy for everyone, I really do. I want to be happy that they have such wonderful father's in their lives that they love so much who are around to celebrate the good times and help them through times that are tough. But there is a part of me that is jealous that they have all this and that my father, so good and so kind, was taken from my life too early and is not here for me to show him how much good he has done for me in my own life and how much I have learned as a result of him.
I must confess I can barely remember his voice. Actually most of the time I cannot recall the timber in his voice as he said my name. I can barely remember his face if I am not looking at a picture. I can slightly remember his smell in his suit shirts when he came home from work and gave me a hug after walking in the door to our house. I have no recollection of his laugh. I wish I did and never thought a day would come where I would forget. I want to remember everything and fear that a day will come where I cannot remember him at all. And then he will really be gone for eternity. I feel like small but detailed memories like the creases on his brow or the pitch to his laugh or the memories of moments in time like my first birthday or Saturday's at the Venice High basketball courts are what keeps his spirit on this earth. It preserves him in my mind and keeps his presence in my life. I know there will be a day where I will have forgotten all these details and he will be officially gone forever. I am scared and sad for that day to come.
On this Father's Day I will try extra hard to remember. And I will use the pictures posted by my friends as motivation to keep my father in my life through the memories in my mind and the love in my heart. I will work harder in his honor to live as he did and be a better person; nicer to others, more helpful to strangers, less judgmental to those less fortunate or who I do not understand. If he cannot be here with me I will life for him in my daily life. My memories may fade with passing time but he will live on in my actions. Dan the Man will live on forever.
I wish I could've known your dad. He sounds like an amazing person and the kind of dad a lot of people wish they had. As jealous as you are of others whose fathers are still alive, I bet a lot of people would be jealous that even though your dad's life was cut short, he was an amazing dad while he was here. That can't be said for a lot of dads. And I have no doubt that he'd be proud of you. The best way to honor him is to keep living by the things he taught you. What about writing down some of those memories you're scared you'll lose to preserve them? Although I think there are some experiences/people the mind just doesn't forget (at least not entirely)...
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Gail! He would have loved your vibrant spirit and positivity, I guarantee it. Most of all, like I do, he would have loved the fact that you are a true good friend. I am very lucky to have met you and have you in my life.
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