Bringing Sexy Back?

(Before weight loss, lost 58 lbs, now)

I've lost a bit of weight this month. It's a direct result of working out daily and eating healthy meals. There's really no magic secret to losing weight; just ceding active and eating responsibly. Seems simple enough, right?

Yet I feel like I barely see a difference. I am working so hard working out and restricting calories, making healthy choices and setting my priorities straight. I am pushing the hell out of myself at the gym physically as well as mentally. I am working on positive thinking and loving myself. 

It just doesn't feel good yet. I look in the mirror and still see a short, pasty, jiggly body and a double chin. I see every laugh line and red blemish from too much exposure to sun. I see 30 long ass years on my face. And my boobs?!? Don't even get me started... They are not as perky as they once were and should just be reduced. It's a tragedy! I feel like getting dressed with the lights off sometimes. 

I know I'm being dramatic, but I'm struggling. I feel so damn uncomfortable in my clothes - either they are way too loose or they are so tight I can't breathe. I feel awkward and feel like my end goal is so far away I should just give up and accept the fact that I'll always be a fatty. 

It didn't help that I was super emotional this week, fluctuating between highs of laughter and a real zest for life and lows of feeling uninvited and left out. I lost motivation yesterday big time and wanted to throw in the towel and gorge myself on a big ass pizza. 

But I didn't! I'm on the damn elliptical machine right now sweating through my shirt, making a real go at it. I'm still trying. I just keep my mantra "I will be hot and sexy" playing on a loop in my mind. Each stride on the machine pushes me one step closer to a rockin' body and a healthier life. 

There are several things parents leave out of the wisdom they pass down to their children; like money struggles, hardships of the working world, difficulty maintaining relationships, and this! My parents didn't tell me how hard it would be to maintain a healthy lifestyle and my body as I aged. I wasn't informed on how to eat right and exercise. I wasn't pushed to continue athletics. Boy do I wish I was! 

My 20's were full of drinking my calories and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day, which needless to say packed on the pounds. Big Time! A few years ago I fought the same battle I'm fighting now. I lost 58 lbs and swore up and down to all that is holy that I would not gain it back. Then I quit smoking and took on some stresses now I've got 30 lbs to lose. 

I just keep reminding myself that there will be good days and ones that are harder to deal with. There will be those times when I feel completely helpless and quite ugly. Today may be a day when I feel unattractive and undesirable, but it doesn't mean I'll feel the same tomorrow.

Here's to a deep sweat; to a new day tomorrow; to a thinner, happier future. 

Facebook Stalking

I spend a considerable amount of time on my phone or iPad bouncing around from page to page on Facebook or Instagram checking up on the new and exciting happenings  of people's lives. I am definitely guilty of Facebook stalking, especially on pages of friends who have burned me in the past. 

I'm not proud of this at all, but it's the truth and the first step is admitting I have a problem, right? I can't help myself; it's like my mind and finger just go right to the search field and I torture myself looking up people who are no longer in my life for one reason or another. 

Reason one is plain and simple; harmless curiosity. I just want to know how much their lives as well as mine have changed. I am curious what they look like and what occupies their time. Harmless. 

Reason two is jealousy. I torture myself by perusing pages of ex-friends to see pictures and status updates of ultrasounds and new home purchases. I harass myself with Instagram photos of people looking happier, healthier, skinnier...I know it isn't right and it's pretty sad on my part,  but it's true. 

Why do I care?!? No matter how much I have going on in my life and how much success I reach, I still look back. I hold on to so much animosity for those who have treated my friendship poorly and have lived badly, but yet end up on top. I curse the people who post endless selfies and look great with a big fat smile on their face while only a matter of months before they were trying to hurt me or crapped on my generosity. 

I struggle against becoming jaded and completely cynical and distrusting and I know that Facebook comparing doesn't help! This self-defeating behavior is so counterproductive to having a healthy, happy life and is completely pointless.

Regardless of what people post on the front pages of their public profile, I know who they really are and how they've lived. You really can't judge a book by its cover; you may get lured in and deceived by a false representation of happiness and enjoyment, but it's just a farce. I know them at a core level and must not forget that. 

Most importantly, my focus should be my life. It's mine to live and and is the only matter in terms of being content. I've got miles ahead of me; I need to slow up the pace and take in the journey and focus on what truly matters. And it sure as hell isn't the past.

Lucky Girl

I am constantly shocked by things and people in my life and I love it. So many people I didn't expect to be deep thinkers or understanding. So many people I expect to be that way who really aren't. People who I connect with that I had no idea were having parallel experiences to my life that reach out to say they know what it's like. People who make me laugh constantly and help me forget the giant piles of shit life sometimes throws my way. I'm a lucky girl!

I write this blog directly from the heart. There's no added bullshit for dramatic effect. It's honest and direct and an extension of my core feelings. It's me and my journey, take it or leave it. 

My day ended with a text from my mom (hi mom) who stumbled on my blog through a Facebook stalking session...you know, motherly "curiosity." She read my blog from yesterday about her recent visit to the ER and my reflections of fears of her aging and my inability to properly care for her. She said it was depressing and then reassured me that she knew I was there for her. I must admit I was a bit freaked out initially that she read my blog, but we are both adults. There's nothing, well maybe a few things, that would surprise her in my writing that she didn't already know I did at one point in my life. And if it's new news, well I will chalk it up to getting to know me better. We've all done crazy shit at some point; lucky for me I survived and lucky for her she didn't know about it!

After getting a text from my mom I noticed an email from a childhood friend reaching out about my blog. She sent a heartfelt letter sharing her own similar story and offered her friendship, advice and understanding. I'm a lucky girl!

Writing this blog and connecting with people as a result has confirmed for me that honesty really is the best policy. It is vital for me to be open and honest with people, even if I fear the reaction I'm going to get from someone hearing something they didn't want to hear. I have worked so damn hard to balance out my life and make sense of where I came from and who I'm supposed to be that I owe it to myself and those I love to be real. 

I am so touched that this blog has reached so many people and has helped others the way writing it helps me. It's totally freakin scary sharing personal stories and situations because they are my real life experiences. It's not a work of fiction and I'm afraid of being judged or shunned, but it's a risk I take to get it out to live happier and healthier and hopefully help others in the process. 

In the end I'm glad my mom is reading my blog. (Thanks Mom!)  It's not always easy for she and I to communicate and maybe this will give her some perspective on the woman I've become and the struggles I face that she was not aware of. I have a lot I want to share with her but fear doing so. Maybe this blog is what will break us past that barrier and open up a line of communication free of judgement and anger. This is a good thing and I'm definitely a lucky girl! 

Getting Older Sucks

Getting older sucks. And not because I'm getting rows of gray hair sprouting up or because it takes me five minutes to get out of bed in the morning. It's not even the fact that I am completely exhausted and ready for bed by 9pm. Those things do stink but the really difficult part about getting older is having a parent start to fall apart and the responsibility that comes along with it. 

For those who don't know much about my backstory, I will fill you in quickly. I was adopted at birth and am an only child. My mother and father tried to conceive for 10 years and were unsuccessful and thus adopted me. I had a big family on my fathers side until a falling out after he died. My mother has family members in Canada and the east coast, none of  which are very close. My father passed away in 2003 from primary brain cancer and now it's just my mom and I. 

Because my parents tried to have a baby the good ol' natural way for years my mom is ten years older than the parents of most of my peers. She just turned 65 this past May. My mom still works as a paralegal on account of my father not being around to financially support her and continues to live in the house I grew up in that is basically falling apart around her. Sounds like a metaphor to me.

This past April my mom fell while exiting the elevator of the parking garage at her office. The elevator settled to a stop with the inside lower that the ground outside the elevator door, which caught her foot and threw her into a brick wall. She snapped her humerus in half. After surgery placing a metal plate and 13 screws in her arm and 4 months of physical therapy 4 times a week she is almost able to have 50% range of motion back. It was a freak incident that has taken an emotional toll on the whole family. 

Yesterday we were back in the emergency room. Not for an arm, thank god. This round was a kidney stone. I was relaxing and decompressing after a long week at the nail salon when I get a phone call. It was my mom, struggling through short breaths to tell me she needs to go to the emergency room because of intense stomach pains and pains on her left side. Naturally, thinking she's having a heart attack or a ruptured appendix, I rush put of the restful haven of the nail salon and race down the 405 freeway (if that's even possible) to Tarzana hospital. And that's when it happened...again!

You see I have developed this condition called Vasovagal Syncope. It's a reaction that occurs internally as a result of emotional stress triggers which causes fainting, blacking out and a full blown anxiety attack. It is extremely sudden and practically impossible to stop once it begins. I had the first "episode" the first time she was taken to the ER for the broken arm. But I had Tom there to help me, and friends texting to keep me stable. This time I was all alone. 

Tom was deep in the dead zone of Malibu on a construction job and none of my moms friends were answering their phones. It was up to me to be there and I  failed. Big time. 

I went in the ER waiting room and instantly felt the deep chilling sweat drip down my lower back. My heart was pounding, my head was light, my eyes were blurry. My mind raced the more I tried to calm myself down and I couldn't catch my breath. I tried sitting in the cafeteria where I had orange juice to give me a boost of sugar. It didn't help. I tried fresh air outside and started to feel better and ready to try going in again. Bad idea. Same reaction all over again. 

I ended up sitting in the car in the parking lot talking to my mom on the cell phone every 20 min for updates. I couldn't be there to hold her hand and tell her it was all going to be okay. I couldn't talk to the doctor and make sure she was cares for properly. I was a useless failure to her and feel terrible. 

I don't want to have this reaction and wish I had stronger resolve to fight past this. I wish she didn't have to be all alone through that. It's days like yesterday I feel all the anger again for my dad getting sick and leaving us all alone, ill prepared to do life without him. 

Getting older and being an only child is very difficult. I'm scared shitless. I don't know what is going to come next and feel like it's just a matter of time before I have to go through another tragedy. I'm just not ready for this phase of my life. Getting older sucks! 

Hollow Fucking Promises

I very much so hate hollow promises. In fact I loathe them. I ran into an old boss at the market a few weeks ago. Generally if I see someone unexpectedly and have time to make a swift getaway I will. But without time to sneak out the door, I stopped and engaged. I asked how she was doing and likewise she asked me. She threw out some compliments like "you look so good" and "god it's great to see you" and continue to over-compliment me by staying more than once just how happy I look. That just makes me feel uncomfortable much like clearly she was in the conversation. I found out the pertinent information on her life and her family and began the conversation wrap up when...out came her hollow promise.

"We are having a birthday party for our dog in a few weeks, we would LOVE to have you and your dogs over!" She promised to send the details and apparently that did not happen! In fact, the only thing that did happen wasthe ridiculous  birthday party to which we were never invited. Hollow. Fucking. Promises. 

What is the goddamn point in doing that? In pretending you actually give a shit about someone and want to be involved in their life when you really don't mean it? If you are my friend and you have absolutely no intention on doing something, don't mention it or pretend like you do.

I've known this woman since my previous job when I worked at an Autism treatment center. Things there under her command did not go well and I honestly got the raw end of the deal because of mismanagement or complete lack of it. This woman witnessed my competent work and the harassment I endured from a nasty coworker and did nothing but turn a blind eye and move me to a different department because that was easier than having to deal with conflict resolution and actually manage. 

In this situation at the market I am at fault. It is my fault that I actually had a small glimmer of belief that she was genuinely interested in my life and really meant it when she said "We definitely need to have a night out!!" But she wasn't. We are only good when a plumbing crisis arises and for five minute chit chat at Ralph's. 

What made me think about this today was overhearing two girls talking in the gym locker room. One girl asked another about going to the Hollywood Bowl and the other one way too quickly replied "totally, that could be fun," which really meant that she was dismissing the girl with no intentions of following through with those plans. 

I'm guilty of doing this; we all are. But I am trying to make more of an effort to be honest about my intentions, without being rude of course. It seems more rude to lie and act like you care since most of the time we are not academy award winners and can see right through it. And then you just look like an ass when you post pictures on Facebook to the event you fake invited someone to. 

Hollow fucking promises (shaking my head)...be honest, be real, be true. 

Euphoric Life

Why do I have more confidence some weeks than others? Why is it that some weeks go so smoothly, almost fun where everything gels together seamlessly? This week has been off to a start like that. It's one of those weeks where I enjoy the projects thrown my way and feel inspired. It has been a week of laughter on top of being focused and or seems like everyone has a positive attitude. I love these weeks. I don't want it to stop and fear tomorrow will bring out a darker mood, thus ending the high.

Life is a trip. You work through things, whether it be projects or evaluations, designs or copy, putting all your focus into it until its done and then you ride the high of a completed job. You ride the high of satisfaction for a job well done until the next project hits your desk.

It's the same for personal connections. I don't know about you, but laughter is a natural high for me. It hits my core and I feed off of it, feeling closeness and happiness from silly jokes. I love a genuine smile that comes from a good joke or witty connection. I can't imagine life without laughter and joking and really hate days where humor is lacking.

I used to depend on chemicals to feel a sense of euphoria. I loved an untouchable sense of elevation and thrill from being loaded and didn't want the rush to stop. My rush is now humor and my work. My high is a sense of satisfaction that I did my job well. It is from laughter and silliness. It is from being myself and being comfortable in my skin. It is from good experiences and special moments. 

Life is so different now and I have grown so much. I will never regret who I was and where I came from since that is a big factor in who I am today. I am content that I have found a new sense of euphoria and have a life worth living that I totally freakin love! 

Not So Great Expectations

Expectations are useless and counterproductive to living happily. I've always had high expectations for friends, family members, work situations, relationships...I think because I always try to put 100%+ of myself into everything I expect to get it back. I've over examined and dissected so many situations that whatever the outcome was didn't stand up to the perception I built up in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could flip it and reverse it...I wish some of my crazy dreams were actual reality and my boring days or disappointments were nightmares I wake up from. 

I think high expectations are the downfall to most relationships - intimate and friendship. If you expect a person to act a certain way, do things as you do, or live up to something other than who they are naturally, it isn't going to work. If you want to change someone so much they will no longer resemble the person you were initially drawn to, what's the point in that relationship? 

I'm not saying you should throw any and all expectations out the window, I'm just saying you may consider lowering the bar. Analyze your measure that you hold everyone up to...chances are its too high. And I don't know about you but I hate feeling disappointment. 

Just because someone doesn't ask you how your weekend was after you've asked them doesn't mean they are a bad person. If someone doesn't take as much interest in you as you do in them it doesn't necessarily mean they are selfish. And it shouldn't mean you stop being you and caring; just don't expect the same back. You may be putting in too much. I know I do. I am always trying to please and feel like less than 50% of the time I get the same back. 

I understand now that that is a reflection of me and no one else. I'm always caring for someone else, going out of my way for people, offering up help for no reason,  remembering things people tell me that I file away in my memory as important to them so therefore important to me. I will remember your favorite colors. Favorite meals, stories that you've shared, fears and accomplishments; I remember it all. II will get your back in a fight and stand up for your beliefs. I am fiercely loyal. But that's me and doesn't have to be you. 

I'm not saying I'm a saint and I'm not telling you this for praise. I'm writing because its taken me a long time to understand that it's a matter of what I expect and not something others necessarily need to change. And if there are truly selfish d-bags that never ask you how you are and act like they care only long enough to talk about themselves then fuck em! Take back your care and respect and tell them to take a hike. Not worth it. 

I do not expect everyone to think or act the same. I don't think everyone will show care, love or friendship in the same way. I no longer expect phone calls or texts back, well wishes on my birthday, or even a good morning salutation.  

All I expect is decency. I expect people I care about to care for me in return. I expect those who say they are my friend to act like it. I expect my family to love me unconditionally and stand by my side. I expect people to give me archive when I ask for it but also let me try and fall and not fix me so I can learn from my mistakes. I expect genuineness and sweetness and respect.