Love Hard

I went to the doctor yesterday to get blood taken. I have been feeling very fatigued lately; actually exhausted. I could sleep 10 hours straight and still feel exhausted. I have been super moody and emotional on top of it, which I attributed to the fatigue and people around me. I have hypothyroidism and figured it was probably the reason for all of it. That is until I noticed the white spot on the back of my tonsil and my swollen gland.

Periodically over the past 3 months my gland would swell and go back down as if I was fighting off an infection. That's when I started worrying I had a terminal illness. Maybe cancer? Maybe something a bit less dramatic but just as possibly terminal? I know...ridiculous!

But I began the vicious cycle of self diagnosing and comparing symptoms to a list of a multitude of terminal diseases... What if I was dying?

I know this is a tough subject for a lot of people, but perhaps given the nature of the environment where I work combined with my dads passing from cancer, it is a subject I can discuss rationally. I started really considering what I would do if I knew the big sleep was right around the corner.

You can calm down, I am not dying. The results came back negative. In fact, I've got perfect cholesterol and my thyroid hasn't changed. No big sleep just yet. But what if I got other news? 

Typically people don't encourage that sort of morbid thought process, but being a control freak I think it's important to consider it and plan. First off, I would continue working. I know you're thinking "yeah yeah yeah, bullshit!" But it's true. I am very happy working and it would absorb my attention distracting me from my end of days. 

Second, I'd stress a hell of a lot less. I wouldn't focus on the bad attitude of a coworker, an insignificant fight with my husband over dirty dishes, or anything else trivial. What would be the point?

Third, I'd spend as much time as possible further building the relationships in my life that mean a lot to me and would put the negative memories of my family and bad friendships completely out of my mind forever. They wouldn't come with me as a memory to my next life. 

Fourth is for family. I would spend time with my husband making sure he knew how much I love him and how much of my life was successful as a result of him. I'd also spend time with my mom righting any wrongs between us, being up front and honest. Neither of us should carry such a heavy heart. 

Fifth, I wouldn't worry about being so restrictive with caloric intake. What would be the fucking point? I'd eat what I enjoy even if its a pizza every night and I would enjoy ice cold Pilsner and Captain Morgan. I would live in the moment because each could be my last. I'd have fun!! 

However, today nor tomorrow are my last. Quite the opposite - I am as healthy as a horse. (Whatever that means?!) But why can't I live as if today or tomorrow could be my last? Someone famous once said that we should... 

I think we should live a more modest, milder version of our happiest last days. I think that is the key to a happy life. I'm not saying go out and quit your job, get bombed, travel and eat like a pig...I'm saying stop every now and then to enjoy life. Let your hair down every now and then with a day playing hooky at the movies. Let yourself have a piece of cake for a special occasion. Enjoy friendships more and love harder. Follow your heart even if it means taking risks. Trust your gut feelings and follow signs. Open up to intuition and be brave; live your life and love hard.