Let You In - Shut Me Out

I have written and erased the start of this blog four times. I don't know why, but I feel like nothing is good enough. I feel like no subject is interesting enough to write about; like nothing I write is worthy. I think I may be projecting.

I have a bit of a heavy heart at the moment and am doing a lot of reflecting these days. That shift I wrote about hasn't changed, in fact it may be worse. I feel like everything is awkward without cause. Like one day out of the blue there was no more of the normal I was used to and awkwardness has become the constant. I miss the normal way of things. Is it me? Did I do something wrong to disrupt the balance of the universe? Sigh.

I'm still me, same old strange, crazy me...right? I may just be a more emotional version with a giant heart full of care and good intentions that I struggle to show the right way. But it's still me. 

Is this interesting yet? Blog worthy? I still don't think so... Is it more interesting when I get personal? I know that the more intimate the information the more we feel like we are special and "in the know", but I struggle. I am torn between wanting to share to not only get it out but to maybe help someone else going through the same thing and the thought that my really personal issues are nobody elses fucking business. 

I am worried that when you read this you will only see me for my flaws; for all the issues I am battling and not for the other parts of me that make me whole. I worry that I will never be the same to you and that my life will seem like a giant complaint. If I truly let you in I hope you don't shut me out. 

This is one of my deepest worries and deepest struggles; and one of the biggest reasons why I try to act like its all okay.