Crazy Love

I am so happy today.

A - it is Thanksgiving and I have a ton of things to be thankful for.

B - I slept in until 7 am! That probably doesn't seen like sleeping in to you, but for someone who wakes up at 5 am daily sleeping in until 7 am is borderline miraculous.

C - I have a day off and get to spend it cooking with my mom. Over the past several years my mom and I have built up a stronger, closer bond and I'm truly looking forward to being with her all day.

D - I have nothing but happy thoughts in my mind vas warm feelings in my heart. 

I can't help but laugh now at the petty squabbles that got me down this week. Things aren't as big of a deal now that I'm past it and more rested and now that I have decided to intentional not focus on it and not give it any care. 

I keep having this reoccurring dream where I am walking through an old town with resemblance to something out of the 1950's. It's winter, snowing outside, streets are tree lined and windows of stores are lit up for the holidays. There is no one else walking on the street, the town is seemingly motionless except for the sound of the clicking of my boot heels on the concrete. 

The past few times I've had this dream I've been walking down the same street with the same stores to my right; the old family owned hardware store, the ice cream shop, the vintage movie theater. The air always smells crisp with a hint of vanilla. There is never anyone around in any of my dreams, and I am always walking in the same direction down this road that never seems to end. The road always keeps going straight into the distance and the further I walk the darker it seems to get outside. 

This time as I kept walking I could see a house way off into the distance with a light in the window. As I walked on trying to get closer to the light and the cozy house the air got warmer and smelled of a fresh fireplace. The light got bolder and brighter, but I never did reach the house. I woke up.

I don't know if this time the dream means I'm more settled or happier than before. Maybe it means I am working towards a goal now or I feel like love and happiness is now within reach. Maybe it means nothing.

Either way, it left me a bit happier and in better spirits today. I feel like my life is back on course and this year coming up is going to be a really good one. Whatever comes my way I know I can handle it. 

I'm thankful today for a good life full of a kinda of crazy love, triumphs and successes.

Holy Shit! I'm NOT Fat!

Here I am on the eve of Thanksgiving running on the elliptical. I am so thankful to be healthy enough to bust my ass at the gym. I speak negatively about my weight a lot, calling myself fat or thick, but today I actually stopped to really look at myself in the full length mirror in the gym locker room. 

I stood there in a sports bra and knee length running tights, shoes and ankle socks. I studied the curve of my hips and the roundness of my butt. I took note of my waistline, the increased flatness of my stomach, the beginning formation of upper abdominals. I noticed my boobs actually look bigger as I get skinnier because they just won't get any smaller but everything else around them is shrinking. And you know what? I'm ok with it! I stood there looking at myself head on, turned to the side, back to head on. I wasn't appalled. I was content. I see progress and came to a healthy realization... Holy shit! I'm NOT fat!! I am not bad.

Today I run with a bit more bounce in my step because I know all this hard work is paying off. As I run I focus on the curve of my waist and feel accomplished as th sweat trails down the small of my back. I feel every muscle in my butt activate, pushing myself harder and closer to the skinny, sexy me. Or I should  say skinnier and sexier. 

I had a good day today, making up for the past few not so enjoyable ones this week. I needed a day like today to bring me out of the fog; out of feeling pushed out, stepped on, treated badly. My husband put it best last night - there is always going to be someone playing the game. They may play dirty, they may play it better than you, they may win. It isn't the rest of your life and it's only a sign of their insecurities and feelings of threat because of you. So really, you win in the end. 

To fill you all in quickly, what I'm referring to is a coworker invited me to a birthday celebration for my boss. They invited me on a Friday and on Monday uninvited me then had the nerve to ask me if I could coordinate the reservations. If I'm not invited I'm not invited - not the issue. The issue is the nerve of retracting an invite and then asking me to plan it. Screw you! While I shouldn't, I do take it personally because of the snide comments the week before like "I see you didn't do anything to your hair today" or "you feeling ok? You are loosing an awful lot of weight!" Or my personal favorite conversational exchange... 

Coworker: what are you doing for lunch?

Me: boss and I are going to lunch.

Coworker: again? You two sure go to lunch a lot.

Me: excuse me? 

Coworker: seems like you go a lot.

I think she is professionally trained in passive aggressive conversation. I know it comes from deep seeded insecurities but man does it sting. All joking aside, it really hurts my feelings and devalues me professionally and personally. It makes me sad. 

But I'm past it. I know my value and as I run right now with sweat dripping down my chest I wash away all the bad feelings and negativity. I breathe in happy thoughts of those who love me, respect me, know my potential. I breathe out the anger and disappointment. The burning of my muscles means I'm running towards a brighter, happier, more fulfilling future without the negativity to bog me down. 

I'm thankful for great days like today and the possibilities for even better days to come. 

Happy Happy Happy

Last night was a great night. My friends came out to feast on a delicious meal and celebrate the fact that my 30 year old ass is going back to college. 

I spent my twenties drinking heavily with the Tom and his guy friends at a handful of run down sports bars and Irish pubs. I was one of the dudes and a sloppy drunk. While those days were a blast and I carry fond memories with me to this day, I lost out on having girl friends and going out to nicer places for fancier cocktails, delicious meals and stimulating conversation. I spent so much time with the guys plastered and spouting off dick and fart jokes that I lacked a female bond and womanly camaraderie and am only building it now. 

I've always wanted female friends who were intellectual yet fun, witty and creative, sarcastic and emotional. I finally found my people and I truly admire each and every one of then for their uniqueness and spirit. I have friends in my life I can learn a lot from and who serve as a supportive, positive role in my life. 

I'll let you in on a little secret of mine, which may not be they surprising to you... I have a hard time socializing on occasion and try hard to not let the struggle show. I feel emotionally challenged when it comes to connecting to people and often times I stay in my house as a way of avoiding the effort it takes to block out my negative internal voice telling me all the reasons why going out is a terrible plan. These friends I have made take that voice away.

I feel so comfortable being completely sober and 100% myself when I'm out with them. I know they will never judge me maliciously. And I know most importantly that they really care about me. 

Where have you been all my life guys?!? I woke up today thinking I am a lucky girl. Even if I have a shitty week or a streak where I'm down on my luck, I know it will all be okay as long as I have my friends in my life.

I can't wait to go into this week with a refreshed, positive vibe. It's thanksgiving week and I've got a shitload of fortune to be thankful for. I'm looking past the pettiness of a coworker who makes a point to passive aggressively tell me in a not so subtle way that I am less than. I'm looking past petty squabbles and immature drama. I'm ignoring the constant complaining. I'm looking forward to my boss's return and the return of some normalcy. I'm looking forward to the future of my academic career and making more memories with my friends. 

Here's to a leisurely Saturday with beautiful weather and nothing but possibility and promise in the future. 

It's All Just A Bad Dream

Alas this week is finally over. Man, it’s been long and slow going. I wrote this on my lunch break today in response to my night of terrible dreams and the previous day’s emotional meltdown:

I barely slept last night due to a slew of terrible dreams. I won’t call them nightmares because I did not encounter Freddy Krueger or anyone chasing me down with a chainsaw. There was no massacre. My first dream consisted of me getting fired when returning to work from a long weekend. I showed up to work, opened my office door, and was greeted by my replacement sitting in my chair doing my work. No notice, no consolation, just replaced. No one would make eye contact with me as I did the walk of shame down the hallway to the parking lot to leave. I woke up in a cold sweat. It was 12:40 am.

The second dream was of me approaching apartments in an unfamiliar area with a resemblance to Jamaica Plains, NY. I was a pseudo census taker, door knocking and mouthing off some random jargon. One door I approached had a giant pit bull at the top of the stairs just inside the doorway staring me down thinking I looked like a healthy piece of friend chicken. I slowly started backing away when the dog rushed me, lunged at my leg, took a giant bite and ripped off my calf muscle. I laid on the concrete screaming for help, bleeding to death. No one came.

The third and final dream of the night was of me wandering. Out of all of them this may be the most disheartening. I do not know where I was walking; I didn’t recognize any of the buildings around me. It was a lonely street, windy and crisp outside. I was all alone and no one else was on the street. I had a feeling of heartbreak and a pit in my stomach. I did not know why and never did find out the answer to that question. I just wandered aimlessly with the cold air whipping leaves into my face as they fell rfom the trees that lined the street. There seemed to be no end to the street in sight; it just kept going and going. And so I walked… I walked until my alarm woke me up and I carried with me that feeling of hopeless heartache all day. I am not sure what it comes from and really wish it would go away.

The only saving grace is that tonight my super awesome friends are taking me out to dinner to celebrate the fact that my old ass is going back to college. They planned a dinner to celebrate. Very sweet. For that I am truly happy and know I have a good group of friends in my corner. Makes the heartache subside a bit.

Stay Classy.

And after all, you're my wonderwall

I am feeling really sad tonight. I tried to write this whole other positive blog and deleted it. I am not in that headspace. I'm feeling low; I feel like I am forgotten and  completely unimportant. I feel useless. 

I honestly could start to cry if I keep focusing on the feelings inside my heart right now. And to make it worse as I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth I heard a car drive by blasting "Wonderwall" by Oasis on their radio. That song gets me every time. 

"And all the roads we have to walk are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would like to say to you

But I don't know how

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall"

It was as if that moment the car drove by with that very song playing was supposed to happen. It was a predetermined scheduled event. 

I feel so stupid for feeling as over emotional as I do and for feeling excluded from something as stupid as celebrating someone's birthday with a group of coworkers all because I don't have the same title in my job description as the rest of them. I shouldn't care; it's just fucking lunch. I guess it's the principle of it. I have a hard time sitting back and feeling like I'm looked at as some secretarial facilitator that is really talented at managing an outlook calendar and making copies. I have a chip on my shoulder when I am called a "secretary" by someone who spends their entire day balancing the demanding schedule of newspaper reading and paper shredding. I feel like shit when the only conversation people strike up with me is complaints and issues they want me to present to the head honcho. 

I know tomorrow is another day and I'll most likely feel better and move on. I also know that I am taking things way too seriously and that I am just feeling off balance this past week or so. I know it will be back to normal soon. And honestly if the worst I have to complain about is the occasional degrading or passive aggressive comment or being left out of celebrations, then I'm in good shape. 

I am going to sleep to hopefully have a warming and adventurous dream. And hopefully I will wake up with a lighter heart and a fresh outlook. 

Say You Love Me

How do you make people feel special? What do you do to show someone they are important to you? I really believe it is something that is customized to each individual. Some people like getting flowers. Some people feel appreciated with a surprise card with a quick note to say you're thinking of them. Others like a big to-do made to celebrate an accomplishment or a grand gesture to show they are loved. 

A select few just want to hear the words "you are special to me" and "I'm thinking of you". Even a "you mean so much to me". Just say it and leave our the romantic gestures and grand production. Of course I'm not saying I do not want the romantic surprises, rose petals and love notes; that's not it at all. What girl in her right mind would protest and reject that mushy goodness? I'm just saying it doesn't need to be "perfect" or "magical". Life isn't a movie and most of the time things are less than perfect, so take a risk and just say it. Show it however you can that you know will be understood and well received.

I think about mortality and aging and life fulfillment much more frequently these days; maybe because of where I work or maybe because I'm very aware of my own aging. What ever the reason may be, I have been doing a lot of thinking and have determined that it's far more detrimental to keep raw, real emotions locked inside a box in your heart. With life as short as it is it is foolish not to come out with it and say how you feel. Look your lover in the eyes, send then a text, write a card, do whatever it takes to say you love them. Go the extra mike for a friend to say you appreciate them. 

I appreciate you. 

Damn You Emotions

I hate the quiet. I am uninspired and uncomfortable when things are still. I feel drained today and am emotionally reacting to things I know shouldn't make me upset. I can't help it; I feel unbalanced. Incomplete. 

Today was a very long day. No amount of iced coffee could lift my fog. I was slow out the gate and didn't finish any stronger. Yet somehow I've made it to the gym. 

I both love and hate feeling and emotions all at the same time. I love riding the emotional high, you know, like when you're completely in sync with someone and things are fun and connectivity works. I love the warmth and assurance that comes along with good feelings. I hate the feelings of anxiety, lacking or I involvement. When worse is jealousy. Fuck, I really hate that! And worse I hate that I feel it from time to time. 

I fear that I will be forgotten and worse, hurt. I fear that I will be considered unimportant. 

I'm sure it's mostly just female hormones coming to a boil and I really try not to let that get out of control or be some handicap that is some license to act like a complete psycho, ungrateful she-demon. That just isn't right. Sure I get cramps from hell and at times I feel so bloated I don't want to leave the house; but that is not an excuse to treat people like shit. I just don't want my emotions to get the best of me and don't want my hormones to lead me into this cycle of negativity.

I just close my eyes and keep on running through it. I let the swear bead up on my forehead and run dove my temples, releasing any tension and fear I keep inside. I will find my balance and hope I'm not forgotten. 

Take It Head On

I'm changing my life one step at a time. Everything I am not totally satisfied with will be changed. I'm over sitting back and complaining. I'm not powerless. 

I started these cardio barre workout classes and am loving the difficulty and the challenge. I want it to be hard and make me sweat. (That's what she said) I want to feel the pain that it takes to change my body and look good. I want to remember how hard I worked so I keep the weight off.

Today I actually made it to cardio barre in the morning and the gym right now. I'm fucking doing it! Not only do I want to lose some excess poundage that I'm caring on my mid section, but I want to find my confidence again. I am starting to recognize I am actually a pretty girl, I just have to refine what I've got. I have to fight a little bit of aging and tighten up my skin and shed a few lbs! Who doesn't though? 

Getting older has actually bothered me more than I expected. I am really seeing the difference between my twenties and my thirties and am taking a stand against the clock. I'm going to start making a difference now while I can.

Getting in to college a second time has really shown me that I can do anything I desire. If I want it I will find a way to get it. So watch out! My education is important to me and something I feel will be the other major component to my complete confidence. Losing weight is the otter. Once I have those down I will be unstoppable. Maybe that's a bit dramatic... More like completely happy.

Someone told me the other day that true intelligence is being able to adapt and that they thought of me and that I fit that mindset. I adapt with whatever I am given and am intelligent. It meant so much to me, to be thought of unprompted and that I am thought of in high regard. That I am seen as a smart individual. I work so hard on myself and improving my shortcomings and it fills my heart with such happiness to know I'm recognized and regarded with such value. 

Just the fact that I'm here running on the elliptical after an hour long high intensity cardio workout says I won't give up; I've had enough with the way things are and I want to make a change. I feel like there is a sexy, confident woman trapped cheesy a layer of fat and insecurity. I want to let her out so badly. I want to stand in front of a group of people without my arms crossed uncomfortably, with my head held high knowing I look good and am qualified to be there. 

I am lucky to have encouraging and inspirational people around me. I am very happy and can't wait to take this and every challenge in my path head on. 

Lucky Lady

I am taking part in this facebook status challenge for the month of November where I post a status every day about what I am thankful for. It's called the month of thanks in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday. 

Beyond the typical health, family, friends type of deal it is taking more thought. I didn't realize I would have to dig deep to really establish what I am thankful for. 

So... Here is something I am thankful for that isn't your typical situation. I'm thankful I wasn't an abortion. I know this sounds crazy and totally harsh, but it's true. I was born to someone who was still a child herself. She was 18 and could have easily decided to terminate her pregnancy, but instead decided to give me up to a family who wanted a baby but couldn't have one on their own. 

No matter what chaos or conflict I has to face growing up with my mom, I was still alive and had opportunity. I am here today because of one woman's selfless act of loving kindness. I am so thankful for that!

I am also thankful that after 30 years I have been able to find my biological family and have been welcomed with open arms. I have had a great life and love my family dearly. There is something that can be said about genetics that just feels natural when I'm around them. I  so grateful for having two beautiful half sisters who look up to me as much as I cherish them. I am blessed to have such a funny and quirky extended family now.

This thanksgiving I am thankful for opportunity. I am thankful for the kindness of others and for the life I have feel privileged to have. I am one lucky lady.

I Walk Alone

Tomorrow I am walking in the Walk To End Alzheimer's charity walk. I am walking alone. I am supposed to meet a family friend there and hopefully I can find her, but I am a bit disappointed no one wanted to join me. I am a bit disappointed in myself for not trying harder to get people to join and for not expressing how much it would mean to me. 

This is a prime example of how I expected others to read my mind and just instinctively know that I really would like them to join me. I'm the only one to blame here. I do have very kind friends who have generously donated to my walk allowing me to raise $240 for the Alzheimer's Assocuation. This makes me very happy. 

In case you haven't noticed by now, I am not a huge fan of doing things alone. There is a volleyball league I've wanted to join for over a year now but I just can't get there on my own. My boss went on a solo mini vacation up the coast last year and I really admired that so I set out on my own trip, forcing myself to go the distance all by myself to think about things in my life and to know I am able to be on my own if I have to. 

It was much more difficult than I thought and I really admire him for it. I am a girl who thinks it's unusual to go to a movie alone and here I am having to eat dinner by myself in Morro Bay at an unfamiliar restaurant in a foreign town. It was scary as hell but also very liberating and empowering. I did that!

So as disappointing as it is to have to walk alone, I know I can do it and be just fine. For some reason yesterday as I drove to the gym from work at the end of the day tears ran down my cheeks while listening to Ellie Goulding's song Lights. I'm not sure why it happened; maybe I was exhausted; perhaps emotionally tender. I am not sure. I know I was closing out a rather emotional and apparently tense week, but I think it was deeper than that. I feel like I'm carting around a weight on my shoulders and a heavy heart and I don't know why. Maybe I do. Maybe I think I do but I don't.

You know when you can sense something and you know someone else can sense it to but it just goes unspoken? I feel it but don't know truly what it is to put it into words. 

I have probably lost you by now so I will shift gears to something else...kindness. In the spirit of my walk tomorrow I want to bring up the concept of kindness. We could all stand to be a bit kinder to others. Especially those we really don't care for. Whether it's extending well wishes to someone you consider annoying or being supportive to a friend even if you think they are making a mistake, it is the right thing to do. Pay someone a compliment a little bit more or smile at a stranger. Do something out of the ordinary that makes someone happy even if you think it's dumb. Open up to a coworker instead of taking out your frustration on then. Take your mom out to lunch. Do anything!

I will walk alone for those who can't and will learn from this to be honest with people - if I want something I need to speak up!

Longing For The Fun

I want to blog about being frustrated. I want to blog about a shitty, tiring week. I want to write about shameless self promotion with zero follow through and complete lack of teamwork. I want to rant about managing stress and energy we are all responsible for throwing back at the world. I want to write about all the terrible feelings I have bottled up inside of my frustrated little body but I just can't. I can't let it out.

I have a lot to be happy about and should focus on that; I know it. It's hard sometimes when a fog of stress and chaos passes overhead; it consumes me and sucks me in to negative town. I don't want to fucking feel like this. 

I seriously feel like throwing myself on the floor, banging my hands on the ground, and screaming "it isn't supposed to be this chaotic!" "It's supposed to be fun!" Even though I know it's not. Fun is a lucky byproduct and a rarity. It isn't a given.

Ugh. Big fat ugh. I almost wish things were never easy or fun for me because then I wouldn't know anything else. I wouldn't know how good it could be to only compare how frustrating it is right now. I hope you realize I am aware that it is a momentary wrinkle in time and that cyclically this too shall pass like it does every other time. Every time shit hits the fan or times are tough things feel like this and I'm sure I rant then about how much I long for the fun. 

Beyond the situation chaos I have been fighting the battle of low self esteem, rather poorly might I add. I try to build myself up I just don't believe it right now. I want to feel wanted and sexy and intelligent. I want to feel qualified and beautiful both inside and out. I want to know I'm made of the good stuff and am important to someone. I want what everyone else wants - to be loved unconditionally. Who doesn't want this? 

On many levels. I don't want to have to be anyone but who I am to be happy and make others happy around me. I want to be free of these feelings of bad body image and substandard intelligence. I want to believe my inner voice telling me I've got it all; a total package.

I make these drawings for friends and include a message about who they are to me and how their talents and wonderful qualities are reflected in my art. I write to them what I see in them as a wonderful human being and really could stand to write one to myself and actually believe it.