Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Wayne Dyer recently posted on Facebook this quote above and said that the holidays are a good time to focus on reconnecting with the spirit of love and living life to the fullest. Making a personal promise to live life in a more meaningful way will make each moment more enjoyable and we should approach life with a child-like awe and appreciation for its beauty.

This really resonates with me, and is something I often try to do. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily drama and be blinded by material and surface issues that often leave us forgetting about the small miracles that happen each day. It is so easy to get suck on selfish thoughts and so absorbed in our own lives that we forget what is important to those around us that we care about.

I read what Dyer wrote last night and found myself wishing more people did exactly what he was saying. I wish more people could get out of their own concern long enough to remember things that are important to other people like a first day at a new job, or a big meeting they were nervous to have, and take time to make sure that person knows they are being thought of. I wish people cared more and recognized that a quick text, a phone call on an important day, or even the simple act of remembering something someone told them goes a hell of a long way to another person.

But the most difficult challenge is not accepting the fact that people can be selfish and often forget what is important to others unintentionally, it is making sure you do not change how you behave in spite of it all. There are times when I want to refrain from reaching out to someone just because they have forgotten to ask me how something went when they knew I was going to do something I was scared to do. I realize it is petty of me to think like that, but after a while I feel like a fool for being more concerned with their well being than they care for me.

Inner dialogue does eventually lead me to realizing that just because someone is more selfish than I am, I should not compromise my values and be any less caring of an individual. What I can do is change my expectations of them and rely on their closeness a hell of a lot less. A friendship and especially companionship is something I take very seriously and I have always expected that what I put in I should receive in return.

With the holiday season here I am thinking about family, friendships and love a lot more. I am very thankful for the friendships I have and the life I live. I have endless opportunities ahead of me as long as I am receptive to change, willing to try, open to new adventures and honest with myself. I have friends who encourage and inspire me and I should tell them more often that they do so. I should be more open with my feelings and let people in.

I love hard. It is a fact. I used to want to change that about myself, but no longer see it as a bad thing. If the right person is out there for me, they must understand that about me and respect it. Communication is everything. Relationships with people I care about and their lives and experiences are more valuable and important to me than any material thing. Life is worth living to the fullest, love is worth experiencing. It really isn’t a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to new love. I think it is not worth living a life where you are scared to take a step, controlled in an old and comfortable routine. Life is a challenge to embrace, accept and challenge back.

If you are my friend, new or old, you are someone I love deeply. If you are someone I love, I care about you. If I didn’t show it enough this year, I am sorry. I will do better next year. I promise.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

A New Beginning for Old Friends

I had a good friend who was an important part of my early to mid-twenties. It was that silly kind of friendship where you spend a majority of your time together laughing and being completely stupid. He was like a crazy slightly older brother who felt like family.  I thought we would always be friends, watch each other get married and start our own families. Sadly, things didn't go that way.

He and I had a falling out several years ago. Over that period of time I often thought of our friendship fondly. I missed him and wondered what happened that caused a rift  between us. The more time passed I gave up hope that I would ever talk to him again and get understanding and closure.

But today I got a gift just in time for Chanukah. He accepted a friend request on Facebook that I had sent quite some time ago. It was not only out of nowhere that he accepted my request, but was also on a day when I was driving home from work thinking about friendship and the past and the hopes I have for my future. And then all of a sudden I get a message from him.

I am very thankful that I get another chance to talk to him and explain what happened in my eyes and apologize for being a total bitch. I get a chance to hear him out, see the man he has become and get to know who he is today. I know I'm so different from the punk, mess of a girl that I was in my mid-twenties and I'm sure he's grown in a big way as well.

I consider moments like these validation for the way I try to live my life. I work very hard at a demanding job and on myself personally. I'm always looking within and trying to improve. I want to be the best I can as a friend, lover, daughter, mentor, employee. I am glad that he decided to reach out to me today. I was not mature enough to open dialogue between us until now. I was not over feeling hurt that he gave up on our friendship. I had to go through all the change and painful experiences in my life to become more understanding and who I am as an adult today so that I was mature enough for a better, stronger friendship. 

I am looking forward to meeting with him on Monday, catching up on all the time we lost and learning who he is now. I hope that he is forgiving for any way I was a bad friend in the past. I know that everything in my mind is water under the bridge and I am just happy to have another chance at having my friend in my life.

Chanukah this year has started off very different than the previous years. The gifts I'm receiving are not tangible or monetary. They are richer and more important. I am given the gift of second chances, self confidence, true friendship, love and affection.

25,000 Feet

About twenty minutes into my return flight from Baltimore this Sunday I closed my eyes and started to think about my 72 hour whirlwind adventure. The trip, while mostly business, was so enjoyable and turned out to be quite liberating for me. It wasn't about where I was going, I could have traveled to PA or NYC or really any other state. It was the act of getting on a plane and taking off to a different place, mixing things up, that woke me up to the fact that I have forgotten what it is like to do what I want and make choices for myself. It opened my eyes to what I have been missing in my life and to the things I really want to fight for.

I'm sitting here in my bed typing away and I can honestly say I feel different. These past few days I know I am a more confident, certain and strong person. I don't have a desire to take part in any drama in any sort of way and do not want people around that bring me down. I don't want to limit myself because I'm afraid anymore and really don't have much confidence in others who do. I try my best not to be too brutally blunt with people and really do need to work on reigning in my cynicism and sarcastic joking around. I have noticed that if I am upset, disappointed, frustrated from a situation, I tend to use sarcasm to express my feelings rather than talk about it. And sometimes it just comes out unintentionally with no motive. More fun things to work on.

The point of my blog is actually to talk about choices and the real value of every decision we make. It isn't to harp on the things I feel I am lacking or improvements I should make. I helped my boss coordinate this large annual conference he was asked to host for an organization within our field. It was quite an honor to be involved in the planning process and in the end I coordinated more than 90% of the conference. I was asked by the organization to coordinate the conference again this year in Baltimore, which led me to my trip this past weekend. My decision to do this also led me to making some amazing friendships and quality relationships that I would not have if I did not agree to participate.

With my eyes closed on the plane, drifting in and out of a sleep state, my mind bounced from one decision I've made in the past to another, thinking about the way they are all linked to the place I am now, sitting in this plane, heading back from an amazing trip, working at my job, doing what I do. I realize that not everyone believes that all things happen for a reason, but I do. I am starting to think coincidences do not exist. Each person in our lives serves a purpose, whether it is good or bad, whether it is a relationship that is supposed to make you think or a friendship that helps you grow. The importance of every decision is something we need to be open and willing to recognize.

This trip showed me that I not only love the East Coast, but I love my ability to do things on my own and make my own decisions. It showed me that the people in my life that do not give me what I want were good for a time, but do not need to be there any longer. I learned what true friendship and companionship is, what opportunity I have, and the value in living life in the moment and giving up a bit of control.

Tonight, even though it was Chanukah and I was alone and wishing I had kids to light the Menorah with and a family to say prayers and make potato pancakes with, I am not as sad as I had expected I would be. I know that I am loved by those important to me and for those who can't seem to be there, I really do not need them. I know that I am going back to Baltimore on another adventure and I can't wait to see what unfolds. I can't wait to approach this year taking life as it comes my way, embracing change and unknown adventure, meeting new people and taking a positive, proactive role in my life.

Happy Chanukah to my Jewish friends out there. May it be warm and bright.