Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Wayne Dyer recently posted on Facebook this quote above and said that the holidays are a good time to focus on reconnecting with the spirit of love and living life to the fullest. Making a personal promise to live life in a more meaningful way will make each moment more enjoyable and we should approach life with a child-like awe and appreciation for its beauty.

This really resonates with me, and is something I often try to do. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily drama and be blinded by material and surface issues that often leave us forgetting about the small miracles that happen each day. It is so easy to get suck on selfish thoughts and so absorbed in our own lives that we forget what is important to those around us that we care about.

I read what Dyer wrote last night and found myself wishing more people did exactly what he was saying. I wish more people could get out of their own concern long enough to remember things that are important to other people like a first day at a new job, or a big meeting they were nervous to have, and take time to make sure that person knows they are being thought of. I wish people cared more and recognized that a quick text, a phone call on an important day, or even the simple act of remembering something someone told them goes a hell of a long way to another person.

But the most difficult challenge is not accepting the fact that people can be selfish and often forget what is important to others unintentionally, it is making sure you do not change how you behave in spite of it all. There are times when I want to refrain from reaching out to someone just because they have forgotten to ask me how something went when they knew I was going to do something I was scared to do. I realize it is petty of me to think like that, but after a while I feel like a fool for being more concerned with their well being than they care for me.

Inner dialogue does eventually lead me to realizing that just because someone is more selfish than I am, I should not compromise my values and be any less caring of an individual. What I can do is change my expectations of them and rely on their closeness a hell of a lot less. A friendship and especially companionship is something I take very seriously and I have always expected that what I put in I should receive in return.

With the holiday season here I am thinking about family, friendships and love a lot more. I am very thankful for the friendships I have and the life I live. I have endless opportunities ahead of me as long as I am receptive to change, willing to try, open to new adventures and honest with myself. I have friends who encourage and inspire me and I should tell them more often that they do so. I should be more open with my feelings and let people in.

I love hard. It is a fact. I used to want to change that about myself, but no longer see it as a bad thing. If the right person is out there for me, they must understand that about me and respect it. Communication is everything. Relationships with people I care about and their lives and experiences are more valuable and important to me than any material thing. Life is worth living to the fullest, love is worth experiencing. It really isn’t a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to new love. I think it is not worth living a life where you are scared to take a step, controlled in an old and comfortable routine. Life is a challenge to embrace, accept and challenge back.

If you are my friend, new or old, you are someone I love deeply. If you are someone I love, I care about you. If I didn’t show it enough this year, I am sorry. I will do better next year. I promise.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Tonight's Reveal - Obligation

I finished three quarters of my final paper for my marketing fundamentals class and am calling it quits for the night. I should be finishing it, but I am really struggling to do so after tonight's therapy session. I have so much on my mind, none of it pertaining to marketing.

My heart hurts tonight big time. Yes, there is a part of me that is very happy that I am getting to the root of what is driving many of the emotions I feel with regularity, but it is really hard work and tonight is really one of those nights where the process of therapy has left me feeling vulnerable, scared, saddened and in need of a hug and someone to care for and about me. Man, I really need a hug.

Each session starts with a recap of my week or whatever time has passed since the previous session. Typically this brings up something that I'm dealing with or trying to work out, which inevitably uncovers a major underlying issue that I need to address.

Tonight I uncovered an issue so deep at the core of the person I have become that I am scared at the thought of the difficulty involved with trying to correct it. The topics of obligation and need came up tonight. For as long as I can remember I have felt a sense of obligation to please others, especially my family.  Mostly my mother. I have felt obligated to do what others expected of me or act a certain way with friends. All the feelings of obligation come from a deep fear that if I do not appease I will be abandoned. If I say no to friends they will no longer be a part or my life or will be upset with me, even disappointed. If I do things not in line with my mother's expectations I will not be loved.

I also realized I do things a bit differently than most.  Typically people have a thought or goal in mind, do some action and have a reaction either physical, emotional or both. I am a bit backwards. I generally feel something first, having an emotional and physical reaction but unsure of the cause. After experiencing the emotion and physical manifestation of it I then process and identify the cause. This is completely exhausting and a big part of why I always feel like I'm being forgotten if someone doesn't call me or if I am not a priority. Definitely something I want to work on!

Perhaps the biggest reveal of the night and definitely the most emotional (my therapist actually got me to cry!) was the realization that I am exhausted from always obliging to everyone else's needs and at the end of the day I really want someone to take care of me for a change. I really want to trust someone enough to care for me and not feel like I'm begging people to call me or ask me how I'm doing. I want to be loved for who I am and cared for.

I am completely drained from the session tonight. I understand that knowing is half the battle and I am so thankful for finding such an understanding and knowledgeable therapist who I am comfortable sharing these intimate details with. It is such a hard process shedding the defense walls I've worked so hard over the years to build up and reinforce. I am fearful of letting people in and getting hurt and left behind. I'm afraid of being rejected. As I fall asleep I hope that those in my life are genuine and care.

A Child's Mind

I have limited experience with children. I was raised an only child and do not have many relatives or friends with children. It wasn't until recently that I learned I have half siblings, with one as young as six turning seven. Initially I felt awkward around her, difficult to relate and unsure how to communicate. But as time passed and we saw each other more frequently things began to feel like second nature.

I spent time with my biological mother and her two daughters last night. One girl is 14 almost 15 and the other is almost 7. They are both incredible children; the almost 15 year old reminds me of my spirit and style when I was her age in the 90's. She wears the same Doc Martins as I once wore she has the same witty sarcasm that catches me off guard often. She is also beautiful. Beautiful, thick brown hair, perfect complexion, skinny little body. Kind hearted, sensitive, creative; she is incredible. 

The almost 6 year old is hilarious. An old soul and a true comedian, she is nonstop energy. I am not sure where she gets most of her material, which is well beyond comprehension of most of her peers. She is loving and timid yet outgoing and shameless at the same time. Also incredible. 

Any how, the reason I'm telling you all this is because of a question raised by the almost 7 year old in the car about grandma and her memory. The girls have a great grandma who is 92 years old and recently suffered a broken shoulder as a result of a fall in the shower. As my biological mom explained to me the situation and how dementia has made it very difficult for great grandma to cope with her injury, the almost 7 year old asked why great grandma forgets. She asked with such worry and sensitivity in her voice. To this question my biological mom explained that sometimes when you grow old your memory does not work as well as it once did. She told her that it is hard for great grandma to remember where she is and that scares her. The almost six year old asked if she is all alone and was reassured that she always has someone who loves her by her side. Feeling more confident that great grandma is being cared for she then asked why grandma doesn't have problems remembering because she is also old. The concept of dementia was then further explained in as simple terms as possible. 

There was no trouble comprehending. The almost 7 year old understood. It was incredible to witness this exchange and was a very important moment in her growth. I do not remember anyone explaining to me my grandfathers condition of Acromegaly when I was 5 when he finally died. I only remember grandpa looking funny and unable to verbally communicate. No one answered my questions about my fathers heart condition or triple bypass surgery when I was 9.

I was no longer afraid to have adult conversations with the little one. She can handle it all. 

I am so lucky to have such intelligent and dynamic half sisters. For the remainder of the evening we laughed like crazy and sang obnoxiously in the car to bad pop music. It was a perfect night and a big reminder that I am lucky to have a great extended family to top off my loving immediate family. I know I'm loved and am loving it. I am glad my life followed this path and that I am able to get to know my biological mom as a grown up; as a friend. 

Fractured Family

Lets dig even deeper and get into the topic of family. Family is something different for everyone - of course there are overlapping similarities but the way they communicate or their closeness varies. Some people have tight family units, having weekly family dinner and taking an annual family vacation. Other people are estranged from one or several family members. Family is personal.

My family started out one way and has developed into something else. I grew up with loving parents and a sweet, gentle grandma on my mothers side. Mavis, my little grandma, was a kind soul full of colorful stories of her youth in Canada and a strong love of her family. She was so good to me; the exact type of person you imagine a perfect grandmother to be. Then there is my dads mother, Ronnie. She was a piece of work. Life was hard on her and made her into a feisty, hardened woman who only knew ruling with an iron first and an old leather belt. I realize now that she could be considered abusive. But according to everyone that was just grandma...

Every Saturday my father and his brother played 3-4 hours of basketball on a league with their friends at Venice High School. My dad would take me with him, loading me up on sugar donuts and letting me run a muck. My uncle brought my two cousins as well who joined me in the muck running. This is of course was when we all got along. Life is very different now. 

Grandma Ronnie would watch us grand kids many Saturday nights so our parents could go out and get jiggy with it. We would of course run her ragged with our mischief and every weekend she would swear never again would we all be together at once...we always called her bluff. Life was full of promise and fun to be had and I looked forward to events with my entire family. I loved going on long bike rides with my father, his brother and my cousins on warm spring afternoons. I loved holidays with the boisterous crew. I had fun being a crazy kid with my cousins and really felt my family was the most special.

I have 2 cousins I was very close to growing up, J who is 2 months older than me and her sister A who is 3 years younger. As my cousin J and I grew into our early teens my grandma Ronnie became more and more verbally abusive to me. She would constantly compare me to J, telling me I should lose weight like J, dress like J, make decisions like J. I was not then and never would be equivalent to J in my grandma's eyes and it made me sad, mad, confused, and insecure. I suffered silently for many years allowing my grandmother to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong and the ways I could be as good as J. I never called her enough because J called her three times a week. I did not go away to college like J so therefore I must not be intelligent. I didn't get married fast enough like J did and certainly didn't marry for money, so I must not be as successful as her. My grandma made me feel inferior for most of my young adult life until I decided the best thing to do was distance myself from her.

In fact, I distanced myself from almost everyone on my father's side of the family once he passed away. He was the glue that held his crazy family together, and once he was gone my mother and I were considered insignificant.  I have not talked to my aunt, uncle, cousins J or A in 5 years this September. After great debate and mental anguish I made the decision to have my godfather walk me down the isle at my wedding. He was the one there for me through my fathers illness and dying process. He was the one who checked in on me weekly after he passed. He was the one I was closest to and the one I felt worth of taking my father's place down the isle. My aunt and uncle felt otherwise and caused an uproar with the family.

As a result of my decision I was shunned. Treated badly, verbally blasted, confronted in a public restaurant by my aunt in a fit of rage. Looking into her angry stare and my uncles sad eyes I knew then that I would no longer associate with them. I knew they were not my true family and that I did not need that negative energy in my life. I also knew that all the nasty things my grandmother used to say were not true, in fact it was the opposite. I was the template J should have followed. My aunt has never been happy and will continue to get one cosmetic surgery after the next to continue to fill a void that comes from deep within from the emotional tragedy of her life. J will always settle as a compromise to having endless amounts of money and will do the same to her children as was done to her. A will continue to be tortured by her own inner demons and will always be paid for and sheltered by her parents as a means to an end to not have to deal with the real cause of their problems. But I will be past all the pettiness. I will rise above the judgments and negativity. I will be happy.