I'm Not This Person

Sometimes all it takes to feel better, even if it is momentary relief, is just to be next to someone you know cares and has your best interests in mind. It’s a familiar face that reassures you that you will be fine, or helps talk you through the anxiousness. Sometimes it’s sitting in silence just being next to someone to calm your nerves. I am finding there is no quick fix for feeling anxious and I am discovering as I dig deeper into my feelings and process my emotions that there are so many layers to who I am, many of which I’ve stifled for so many years.

I woke up feeling so thankful for the people in my life who do not run away when I am having a tough time; for people that recognize I’m having a hard time and make time for me despite my imperfections. I’m not always going to be like this – struggling and feeling low. I know that I am exhausted and frustrated and going through so much change all at once and it has finally caught up with me. I know some of it may be chemical. I acknowledge that I may be feeling these things now, but they do not define me. I have lost touch of the carefree, silly, fun and outgoing person I was a while ago and have let anxiety and fear take over my personality. For being a control freak I really let go of the control I have over my own feelings and let myself be guided by fear and worry. I am not okay with this.

I find myself saying in my head on a loop, “I’m not this person.” I am not the girl who is plagued by anxiety. I am not held back by anything out of my control. The thought never occurred to me until writing this now… if I am not this person, who am I? I am the girl who loves life. I love learning new things and going on adventures. I consider myself spirited and think laughter is the best medicine. I am sensitive and gentle and love to take care of people dear to me. I am stubborn and driven when I really want to achieve something. I am not the girl who is afraid to speak up. I am not the girl who is stopped by anxiety and depression. I am not broken beyond repair. I am the girl who knows what she wants and knows how she should be treated. I am not representing the value of my worth in the right way.

I read an article a colleague wrote today about his experience interviewing a woman named Jennifer, a psychiatrist and mother of two, who has a neuromuscular disease called HIBM. The article depicts Jennifer’s journey facing a challenging a limited future due to her rare disease. Throughout the interview she never shows a negative outlook on her life, and in fact gets my colleague to open up and discuss his own life issues. The story of Jennifer reminds me that it is all about perspective. Sure, life has been challenging for me this past year, but it is not over. I am alive and well and will get past all the obstacles and setbacks. Sometimes in helping others, we help ourselves without even realizing it. While I do not know Jennifer, her bravery is an example to me. It is something I truly admire.

My heart is a bit slower and calmer today knowing I am cared for; knowing that I am appreciated and enjoyed. My mind takes comfort in the fact that I have those around me who I can open up to and be myself around. I am most thankful that I have people in my corner there to remind me when I forget all of this.