Abandonment

This week several people mentioned to me that I discuss a lot of feelings in my blog, but avoid getting to the root of what is causing me to feel a certain way. It's true - I touch lightly on the actual cause of the emotions and talk a lot of the emotions themselves.

Hearing this from people really resonated and opened my eyes to a major flaw in my healing process. It is one step to identify what I am feeling, but I cannot move forward without discovering why I have the feelings in the first place.

I do recognize a lot of the causes of how I feel, but I am, believe it or not, a private person when it comes to some of the pain in my life. I keep what is most vulnerable close to my heart and not on display. In an effort to be a healthier, happier person, I will share with you some of what I've gone through that leaves me where I am today. 

One of the things I feel the most is the fear of abandonment. I can recall a memory from kindergarten when I was playing on the yard at recess and didn't hear the bell ring calling all the kids back to class. I had been playing on a jungle gym with the giant movable tic tac toe game at the back of the playground and was not noticed by the yard aid. I realized a few minutes later after everyone was back in class that I was alone. Instantly I forgot where my class was and remember the pit in my stomach as I panicked and thought I was left behind. 

I feel the same way now as an adult. I was told that it may be a result of being adopted. I don't doubt the validity in that. I don't recall a specific moment when I was told that I was adopted; I have always just known. And I've always felt like I was going to be left alone. And here I am, choosing to be divorced and alone and I'm really shook up. 

I feel alone in the sense of all of my relationships. If someone doesn't call to make plans, I feel like they have decided to move on. I know this isn't the case and I'm working hard to break the bad habit of feeling that way. I've looked at my life as temporary for a long time - where I live, what I do for work, jumping from one thing to the next. I'm realizing now that this is permanent. It's forever. And that finality is alarming. 

I hope you don't look at me as fractured or damaged. It is true that I am struggling through this transitional period of time in my life, but I'm doing the work to come out on top. I'm trying hard to put things into a healthier perspective and gain acceptance for who and where I am. 

I start therapy next week and so the journey in this blog will become, I assume, even heavier and more real. But I want to share it so that it feels less alone.