Anxiety From The Silence

I am sitting there, yawning, exhausted, then I get into pajamas and crawl into bed and I'm wide awake. I lay here with a million thoughts running through my mind when I just want things to be quiet. I struggle to uplug; to put the phone down.

In my process of self discovery and understanding I've come to realize I am afraid that letting someone in and opening up means I will end up hurt. I hate the vulnerability that comes with sharing and expressing feelings. I don't want to be judged and worse, I don't want to be cast aside or shut out. 

Nothing worries me more than sharing something deeply personal and getting nothing in return. Getting no response. I find it hard to sit still, wondering if I'm being judged or if I've shared too much. My mind plays a cruel game against me, telling me negative thoughts like I am not going to be liked anymore or I am going to be hurt because I've opened up. I feel like I'm going to be shut down and so why even try.

These days vulnerability shows itself in the form of anxiety. I feel like I'm mentally pacing back and forth, waiting for a reply or feeling that "what did you just do?" feeling once I've let someone in. 

I just try to keep in mind that it's healthy to let people in and important to be honest. This process of learning to be a better version of myself has shown me a lot and I hope that with time I will close my eyes and fall asleep a bit easier and be more assured that letting someone in and sharing my feelings doesn't always equal something bad.