Missed Flight

I haven’t been able to remember dreams for a while. Today, however, was a different story. It was another restless night. I had a vivid dream about traveling and missing my flight. I had a flight at 11:27 AM out of LAX. I packed the night before, got all of my work and boarding pass ready to go. I'm unsure exactly where I was going or what the purpose of the trip was, but I was definitely still married and he and I were going to go on this trip together.

The morning of the trip everything seemed off. I was running late and had to go to a park-and-ride type of facility to get a rental golf cart, which they explained was the only way to get into the airport. This unplanned change of transportation left me worried that I would not make it home to get the bags and get to the airport in time for the flight.  

I pushed down hard on the gas driving the cart at maximum speed, making my way home, which was actually my mother’s house in the San Fernando Valley. My ex was there taking his time, playing in the pool (which doesn't even exist at my mom's house in reality). I paced back and forth and glanced at the clock, realizing it was 11:09 AM. I wasn't going to make it. I ditched the golf cart in my mom’s garage and called a cab. The cab driver arrived at 11:15 AM and raced me, without the ex, to the airport. But it was too late. The flight had already taken off.

In a panic, I ran around the airport trying to find the counter for my airlines. It was nowhere to be found. It didn't exist. I was searching frantically, trying to get anyone to help, but no one responded. Every person I approached simply laughed at me and walked away. I was in a deep panic, not sure of how I was going to get where I needed to go, unsure of why I was even traveling.

Then my alarm went off and I was awake. Sweating and confused. In a haze, I sat and thought about this for a bit. What is going on in my mind? Why after a month of being unable to recall any dreams, good or bad, did this come out? Why now?

According to some online dream analysis, the meaning could be that I am taking on too much in my life. It could symbolize difficulty in making decisions about new opportunities, deep fear of change, confusion about making decisions for my future, regret and sadness for a missed opportunity, etc. Sounds pretty on par with what I'm dealing with these days.

I talked with a good friend a lot this weekend and he did a great job of listening and letting me go through the motions. In the process of going from a Friday night of feeling unsettled, fearful, stuck and unwanted to the calming clarity on Sunday night, I have realized something very important in the healing process of becoming a healthier and happier person. I am in control of how much emotional importance I put on situations or people. The space someone takes up in my life and how much I invest in them emotionally is actually my choice, not theirs. I am deserving of the closeness and caring that I put out and will give back what is reciprocated. I have been too available and at the end of the day, the only person hurt is me because of expectations I have set in my mind for someone to feel the same and act the same as I do. It is something I know I will need to remind myself of often. It is something I will need to actively practice. I often give a lot to those I care about and feel slighted when I do not get that in return. The only thing I can truly change is how I react and the decisions I make in response to their actions.

I have great friends and a compassionate support system that I am so thankful to have. I know I am not alone, even if I may physically be for moments in my life. Life is hard right now, but the journey will be all part of my story in the end and what has made me a more dynamic individual.

To a few of my friends who are experiencing their own pain right now – don’t give up. Breathe. Relax. Be present in the moment. Feel it, as uncomfortable as it may be. And own it! Easier said than done I realize, but it is not impossible. And I’m right there with you.