Living Out Loud

Treadmill blogging is back folks! I am at a new gym in Hollywood trying to establish a new routine and run off an emotional day. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sitting in the front car inching my way up to the top waiting anxiously with every click of the track for the big drop. I've got Safe and Sound by Capital Cities blasting in my headphones and my heart beat pounds to the rhythm. I am running my hardest trying to sweat out what is aching.

I got a beautiful message today from an old friend about my writing. It made me feel so good to know that my writing in this blog resonates with someone and helped put a smile on their face and shed some perspective on life's challenges. It was such a compliment to know someone recognizes my bravery for living my life out loud, in the open for the world to read. It really is hard.

I also got to thinking about all that I share with everyone and the different struggles I've faced over the years. I started evaluating what I'm unhappy with. And then I started missing my dad. A lot.

I'm at a place in my life where I really need him to be here. I need my dads gentle reassurance that I haven't royally fucked up my life and that although it's really hard to recognize now, I am actually headed for greater things. I need his care and his sense of humor. I need to be cared for; a priority.

I also kick myself for always seeming so confident and strong. I never tell people the truth when they ask how I am. I give the typical canned answer - "I'm great. Things are going well." When inside, I'm scared and sad at times. I need a hug and an "it will be okay kid" pep talk just like anyone else. 

The anxiety was so strong today and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball in front of a fireplace and go to sleep. I wanted to feel the warmth of the fire and dream of going out for lunch with my pops. I wanted to picture him telling me that he is proud of me and I haven't let everyone down. That I will be with a man who really respects and loves me and cares for me in the nurturing way I desire and deserve. That I will be financially successful and make good decisions. That I will build a life with a beautiful family. That anything can happen if I put my mind to it. That I am still his little peanut. 

And now I'm running and crying on the treadmill in the new gym. Way to make a solid first impression on all the beautiful people of Hollywood. I just don't care. I need these tears to come out. I need to release this pain that I carry with me so deep inside on a daily basis. I need to bare it all to build myself back up.

I am very honest with my emotions as raw as they may be. I made a promise to myself that I would be forthright with my feelings and truly live. So here I am. Take me for what I'm worth. I'm living out loud.