Last night I started therapy. I have come to a point
following all the recent changes in my life within the past year where I can no
longer avoid dealing with my feelings. I have known for a long time that
ignoring the real issues that make me feel anxious or depressed is not a good coping
mechanism. Last weekend, feeling as low as I did, was a wake up call that I really need to learn the healthy way to process my emotions.
After going through a history of my childhood, family,
relationships, friendships, fears and so on, we discussed the practice of
mindfulness; accepting and focusing ones attention on the emotions, thoughts
and sensations at the present moment. My therapist asked me how the thought of
practicing mindfulness made me feel, and my answer was “uncomfortable.” The
idea that I should accept and focus my attention on how I feel when I am
anxious makes me cringe. It sounds torturous to intentionally feel pain and not
do something to block it out. But I realize, with time will come acceptance and
understanding that it is okay to feel as I am feeling and will ultimately help
me process the emotions in a healthy way. I left last night feeling both
excited for the therapeutic process to begin and fearful of what I will
uncover.
There is a big part of me that feels like I am alone on this
journey, and that no one really knows what I feel or what thoughts run through
my mind. I have always been the one to give out advice and care, there for
people anticipating that they may feel sad or afraid or just need my attention,
and I feel like I rarely get it back. I know a lot of this is because I shut
people out and never say to anyone, “hey, I need you to be more present” or “I
need you to ask me more often how I’m doing and check in,” but doesn’t that
seem completely selfish to ask? And doesn’t that also mean that if I have to
ask and it is not someone’s natural inclination to want to be involved, that it
means they do not care?
I feel like I have been doing life wrong for a long time. I
feel like I’ve been a chameleon since I was a child, doing things that make
others happy; being the daughter that would make my mother proud; the friend
that everyone looked up to; the wife that took care of everything. What has
really happened is I have lost my own identity in the process over the years,
and now I am learning all over again who I really am.
Patience is something I really need to work on. I have
typically wanted instant gratification and immediate answers. I want career
advancement right away and whatever hobby I get involved in I feel as if I have
to master it. When my ex and I started dating we moved in together after only
three months and were practically a married couple within the first year. I
have always been this “all or nothing” extreme version of myself and it is time
to slow down. It is time to take it slow, enjoy the adventure, enjoy the
company, let life happen just a little bit more and allow myself the time it
takes to really deal with the emotions I am feeling. It is time to really recognize
that things that have taken 31 years to develop will not be resolved overnight.
Following my session I sat at home going over things
discussed and realized that one of the reasons I lack patience is fear. I am
scared to take things slow because I am afraid I will be forgotten. I am afraid
of not being a priority, afraid of missed opportunities, afraid of being
insignificant. I am afraid that I will start to feel happy, closeness,
enjoyment, care, love, and a million other emotions that I really like to feel
and then will lose all of that. I need to change my way of thinking and realize
that taking things slow does not mean that they are not important; that I am
not important. It isn’t a bad thing to be careful.
I know that this therapy process, as painful and difficult
as it may be, is ultimately going to be the best thing that I could have done
for myself. Today, at the present moment, I accept that I am feeling slightly
anxious and worried, and recognize where those emotions are coming from.
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