Lets dig even deeper and get into the topic of family. Family is something different for everyone - of course there are overlapping similarities but the way they communicate or their closeness varies. Some people have tight family units, having weekly family dinner and taking an annual family vacation. Other people are estranged from one or several family members. Family is personal.
My family started out one way and has developed into something else. I grew up with loving parents and a sweet, gentle grandma on my mothers side. Mavis, my little grandma, was a kind soul full of colorful stories of her youth in Canada and a strong love of her family. She was so good to me; the exact type of person you imagine a perfect grandmother to be. Then there is my dads mother, Ronnie. She was a piece of work. Life was hard on her and made her into a feisty, hardened woman who only knew ruling with an iron first and an old leather belt. I realize now that she could be considered abusive. But according to everyone that was just grandma...
Every Saturday my father and his brother played 3-4 hours of basketball on a league with their friends at Venice High School. My dad would take me with him, loading me up on sugar donuts and letting me run a muck. My uncle brought my two cousins as well who joined me in the muck running. This is of course was when we all got along. Life is very different now.
Grandma Ronnie would watch us grand kids many Saturday nights so our parents could go out and get jiggy with it. We would of course run her ragged with our mischief and every weekend she would swear never again would we all be together at once...we always called her bluff. Life was full of promise and fun to be had and I looked forward to events with my entire family. I loved going on long bike rides with my father, his brother and my cousins on warm spring afternoons. I loved holidays with the boisterous crew. I had fun being a crazy kid with my cousins and really felt my family was the most special.
I have 2 cousins I was very close to growing up, J who is 2 months older than me and her sister A who is 3 years younger. As my cousin J and I grew into our early teens my grandma Ronnie became more and more verbally abusive to me. She would constantly compare me to J, telling me I should lose weight like J, dress like J, make decisions like J. I was not then and never would be equivalent to J in my grandma's eyes and it made me sad, mad, confused, and insecure. I suffered silently for many years allowing my grandmother to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong and the ways I could be as good as J. I never called her enough because J called her three times a week. I did not go away to college like J so therefore I must not be intelligent. I didn't get married fast enough like J did and certainly didn't marry for money, so I must not be as successful as her. My grandma made me feel inferior for most of my young adult life until I decided the best thing to do was distance myself from her.
In fact, I distanced myself from almost everyone on my father's side of the family once he passed away. He was the glue that held his crazy family together, and once he was gone my mother and I were considered insignificant. I have not talked to my aunt, uncle, cousins J or A in 5 years this September. After great debate and mental anguish I made the decision to have my godfather walk me down the isle at my wedding. He was the one there for me through my fathers illness and dying process. He was the one who checked in on me weekly after he passed. He was the one I was closest to and the one I felt worth of taking my father's place down the isle. My aunt and uncle felt otherwise and caused an uproar with the family.
As a result of my decision I was shunned. Treated badly, verbally blasted, confronted in a public restaurant by my aunt in a fit of rage. Looking into her angry stare and my uncles sad eyes I knew then that I would no longer associate with them. I knew they were not my true family and that I did not need that negative energy in my life. I also knew that all the nasty things my grandmother used to say were not true, in fact it was the opposite. I was the template J should have followed. My aunt has never been happy and will continue to get one cosmetic surgery after the next to continue to fill a void that comes from deep within from the emotional tragedy of her life. J will always settle as a compromise to having endless amounts of money and will do the same to her children as was done to her. A will continue to be tortured by her own inner demons and will always be paid for and sheltered by her parents as a means to an end to not have to deal with the real cause of their problems. But I will be past all the pettiness. I will rise above the judgments and negativity. I will be happy.
I have 2 cousins I was very close to growing up, J who is 2 months older than me and her sister A who is 3 years younger. As my cousin J and I grew into our early teens my grandma Ronnie became more and more verbally abusive to me. She would constantly compare me to J, telling me I should lose weight like J, dress like J, make decisions like J. I was not then and never would be equivalent to J in my grandma's eyes and it made me sad, mad, confused, and insecure. I suffered silently for many years allowing my grandmother to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong and the ways I could be as good as J. I never called her enough because J called her three times a week. I did not go away to college like J so therefore I must not be intelligent. I didn't get married fast enough like J did and certainly didn't marry for money, so I must not be as successful as her. My grandma made me feel inferior for most of my young adult life until I decided the best thing to do was distance myself from her.
In fact, I distanced myself from almost everyone on my father's side of the family once he passed away. He was the glue that held his crazy family together, and once he was gone my mother and I were considered insignificant. I have not talked to my aunt, uncle, cousins J or A in 5 years this September. After great debate and mental anguish I made the decision to have my godfather walk me down the isle at my wedding. He was the one there for me through my fathers illness and dying process. He was the one who checked in on me weekly after he passed. He was the one I was closest to and the one I felt worth of taking my father's place down the isle. My aunt and uncle felt otherwise and caused an uproar with the family.
As a result of my decision I was shunned. Treated badly, verbally blasted, confronted in a public restaurant by my aunt in a fit of rage. Looking into her angry stare and my uncles sad eyes I knew then that I would no longer associate with them. I knew they were not my true family and that I did not need that negative energy in my life. I also knew that all the nasty things my grandmother used to say were not true, in fact it was the opposite. I was the template J should have followed. My aunt has never been happy and will continue to get one cosmetic surgery after the next to continue to fill a void that comes from deep within from the emotional tragedy of her life. J will always settle as a compromise to having endless amounts of money and will do the same to her children as was done to her. A will continue to be tortured by her own inner demons and will always be paid for and sheltered by her parents as a means to an end to not have to deal with the real cause of their problems. But I will be past all the pettiness. I will rise above the judgments and negativity. I will be happy.
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