Everything In Life Is A Choice

There are many wagons to fall off of. Some revert back to drowning themselves in the drink, others succumb to the pressure of life at the end of a crack pipe. I think there is a wagon of life, the track you are supposed to be on, your own 80 year plan of sorts. And it is easy to fall off that course or metaphorical wagon, whether it be by choices or circumstances out of your control. Mostly choices in my case with one really big, horrible circumstance.

Lets dive right in to said big, horrible event. December 9, 2013 my dad died of brain cancer. Major life changer and first time I fell off. A mixed bag of unprocessed emotions and fluctuating hormones, it can best be said that I was one angry bitch. Lost, unmotivated, couldn't see the point in life. I hated him for leaving, hated my friends for their lack of support, and just wanted to give up and sleep away the next 10 years of my life.

Somehow I got back up, dusted myself off and worked at a second hand store trying to get back into being an earning member of society, which was expected of a 21 year old. I was down right pissed off, hung out with questionable characters, distant to my boyfriend, angry at my dad for leaving too soon, I was an f'ing mess! The wagon was so far in the distance I couldn't even see the dust cloud from the spinning wheels.

I obviously made it back on as here I am writing this blog with a great job, marriage in full swing, working towards a future...but the ride has not been easy and, as you will learn, was full of falls and consequences.

To take you back even further before said horrible event, I think the first time I truly fell off the wagon was my junior year of high school.

I used to think my struggles during this period of my life were unique and that I was a special case, but now I realize I was typical. I always wanted to believe I was a one-of-a-kind; a soul searching, artistic, misunderstood youth torn between a conventional bright future or the daring, but much more romantic, "road less traveled"...I was nothing more than a 90's cliché that hundreds of movies portrayed.

There was this one friend who we will refer to as “T”, for purposes of hiding her identity and not getting my ass sued off…although I am quite sure if she ever read this blog she would know instantly I was writing about her. Sorry T.

T and I met back in middle school. She was a tall, fully developed and slightly awkward girl. We bonded instantly over sarcastic silliness and a mutual love for well executed pranks. I was drawn to her wild side, which I now realize bordered on psychotic. T was a fun friend who encouraged me to push my boundaries, which did help me break out of my comfort zone, but also influenced me to stir up trouble. T and I developed an unhealthy amount of crushes, which we obsessed over daily. It was not until recently that I realized T was actually an abusive friend; she used her friends, especially me, to elevate herself and inflate her own ego. By making her friends look bad or embarrassed she looked that much more desirable to everyone else. One day T brought V8 to lunch with a plan. While drinking it she had me make her laugh, resulting in her spitting it all over another one of our mutual friends. Another day T held me down on the yard, took my shoes off, tied them together and threw them on top of the chain link fence at the basketball courts. I had to find a janitor to get them down for me. Another day she dipped a tampon in ketchup and hung it from another one of our mutual friends backpacks while she was waiting at the carpool line to get picked up from school. Her main goal was not a deeper, more enriching education. It was humiliation of others.

I feel in deep with this girl, adorning her with the title of best friend, thinking she was the only one who really understood me. I was a pawn in her life just like everyone else. There was one final, ultimate situation with T that made me realize she was actually mentally disturbed. I will leave this twisted story for another time, once our trust has been developed. The only reason I am even bringing up T is because I am certain that it was this friendship that initiated my withdrawal from trying in school and was the negative influence that has tainted my views on trust within friendship, molding me into the skeptical person I am today. 

But beyond this shitty friendship, I was a good student but very bored…I’m sure you’ve heard a million teens say that before. But it was true. When I applied myself I was an academic rock star, but in the back of it all I was bored and insecure. Ultimately I found sanctuary with the odd balls and screw-ups, the art kids and the dreamers. I made the hasty decision at the beginning of the summer before my senior year, to leave my private school and go to an overcrowded, gang infested public institution of learning…this is the first time I fell off the wagon.

This one choice paved the way for many other bad choices, which resulted in destructive friendships, lack of motivation, heavy experimentation in drugs, and an “I am invincible” attitude. I became my parents worst nightmare and wasn’t sure I was ever going to see my 21^st year. Somehow I made it to 30 where I am today, but it wasn't without struggle and a bunch of stupid moves. I am technically a college drop out and have done everything the hard way. Whatever way I chose before and whatever journey I sign up for in my future, it is my life and my experience.