Today all I can think about is satisfaction. Am I satisfied with how I look? Am I satisfied with my work? Am I satisfied with my home? I am an all-in type of person and love hard, work hard, laugh hard - I live hard, with a lot of rules and expectations for myself.
That way of living plays into feeling dissatisfied. I can never be happy with the status quo. I am constantly looking for growth with little patience. We moved from the valley to the westside less than 2 years ago to a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment with an ocean view in walking distance from the beach and I am already ready to move on. And why? Because a few of my peers recently purchased homes. I easily forget that they have all had financial assistance since high school from their parents and have been born into a life without struggle. I have not been that fortunate.
I feel like people have no clue just how hard Tom and I are working towards our future. How hard it is for us to build a business with no help at all. How hard it is to even conceptualize a down payment on a decent home right now.
And why do I really care? Our place is nice! So nice in fact that we spend most of our time at home instead of going out with friends. I just keep reminding myself that we will appreciate our home that much more when we do get one because we had to really work for it.
To be honest, I am feeling down today. I've been quiet all day, mostly because of a large design project I'm in the middle of, but also because I feel pretty low. Dissatisfied. Down on myself for having to struggle so much. Down on myself for always choosing the hard way to do things.
I am not losing weight fast enough. No satisfaction. I feel so ugly lately and really want to feel confident and attractive. I want to feel the satisfaction that I look hot and everyone knows it...as conceited as it sounds it's honest. I want my husband to feel like he is married to the sexiest woman in Santa Monica. I guess you can say I am a bit discouraged, but I'm not giving up. Please don't let me give up my inner strength...
I have to remember that I do have a lot to be satisfied with. I absolutely adore my job and even with days where nothing seems to work smoothly or things are stressful, I am in love with what I do and where I am.
I should be satisfied with the progress of the plumbing company. In less than two years we've hired several employees and acquired a shop. And in the face of the economic downfall we launched the company and have not had a slow period to date (knock on wood). Tom has worked his ass off to build his company from the ground up with absolutely zero financial assistance. Not only is that satisfying, it is admirable.
It helps to write this stuff out to remember all the things I am happy about and thankful for. Life isn't always fun and isn't supposed to be easy. It is luck if it is and normal if it isn't. Life is work.
In the words, allegedly of Mark Twain, "Comparison is the death of joy."
ReplyDeleteAs a friend, it's hard to watch you judge yourself so harshly. I realize it will not fix how you feel inside, but know that from the outside I see a lot of strengths and a lot of things to be proud of when I look at you and the life you've built with Tom. And because of who you are and how hard you work, there are certainly even better things to come for you guys.
It's a struggle I face a lot too, but by chucking aside the "blueprint of life" that you're "supposed" to follow, there is less anger/guilt to be had about the past, life in the moment becomes a lot easier to accept and enjoy, and the prospects for the future become at least a little less daunting.