Life Assessment

One of my classes this semester is on personality and organizational management. This week we discussed different personality traits that influence managing and working with people. Part of our discussion included the results from our personal assessment of our personality taken on the website https://strengths.gallup.com from the book Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath. The principles in this book and the method of the assessment are based on the founder of Strength-Based Psychology, Donald Clifton, Ph.D. Clifton’s test assesses normal personality from the perspective of Positive Psychology, specifically measuring the presence of talents in 34 general areas referred to as “themes.” Talents were described in the book as “the ways in which we naturally think, feel, and behave as unique individuals,” and these talents serve as the foundation for our strengths development. The test presents 180 questions like “I read instructions carefully” versus “I like to jump right into things” and you are given a scale ranging from Strongly Agree to Strongly Disagree. You are given 20 seconds to respond honestly to each question and at the end following the assessment, you are given your top five themes or most dominant traits that help discover your greatest talents.

I hope I haven’t completely bored you. I promise, this blog will get more interesting…

My top 5 themes are: Individualization, Futuristic, Competition, Learner and Significance. So what the hell does this all mean? It’s actually spooky how spot on this assessment is.

Individualization

In terms of individualization, I am intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. I have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively. I am a person who is driven by my talents and offer guidance to friends who seek my assistance. I derive much joy from helping people in need. I anticipate needs of my supervisors and am often considered caring and kind.

Futuristic

Futuristic means I am inspired by the future and what could be. I also try to inspire others with my visions of the future. I intentionally take steps to be the mastermind of my own future and refuse to leave my destiny to chance, resisting placing my future in someone else’s hands. I trust my own intelligence and imagination when setting a direction for my life. I am driven by my talents and gain satisfaction from envisioning what the world will be like in the future. I channel my energy toward what I can accomplish in the future and strive to transform dreams into reality.

Competition

With the competition trait I measure my progress against the performance of others. I often strive to win first place and revel in contests. By nature, sometimes I am willing to take a chance and venture into unknown territory when it may make a difference between capturing first place or finishing in second or third. I work hard to reach specific personal and professional goals, which are often earning a pay raise, winning a promotion, receiving a degree, acquiring something I value, completing a program, etc. Challenges related to status motivate me more than others and I can intimidate others by comparing my performance to theirs. My drive to succeed and be the best can make people edgy. Adversely, I often pause to figure out what I do well in order to test my abilities in areas where I am strong. I often do things I know I have natural talent for to ensure being number one.

Learner

As a learner I have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites me. I devote myself to things that intrigue me and frequently work without much rest as a result. I have a need to explain why things happen a certain way and endorse the importance of acquiring additional knowledge and gaining new skills. I regard education as an ongoing activity. To a certain degree, thoughts come alive when questions are posed and answers are proposed. I have a great time thinking out loud and listening to intelligent people express themselves. I frequently examine the factors leading up to an event and discover the reasons why things happened as they did.

Significance

The trait of significance means that I want to be very important in the eyes of others. I am independent and want to be recognized. I gravitate towards people whose work ethic is rock solid. I like to associate with individuals who are driven to excel and highly productive. I feel uneasy or anxious about what might happen tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. Sometimes these concerns prompt me to anticipate potential pitfalls, which sometimes works to my advantage. I like to think and plan before moving into action and prefer to be in charge of things that directly affect me. I yearn to know as much as I can about people and the more I understand individuals, the easier it is to govern them or what happens in my life. I view my job and studies as a key part of my identity.

 

So why the hell am I writing a blog about this?

Because I found this to be such an important exercise for not only my professional performance, but for my personal life as well. I think we all should pause and think about what our true talents are and what personality traits define us. We develop our traits at a very young age and hone our talents over time as we gain experience. Having this assessment really confirmed some things I already knew about myself as well as gave me new knowledge of aspects of who I am that foster strong talents.

Someone I know is struggling to get a job. He has been unemployed for a while, trying to build something on his own, not being successful with it. He has a solid education, is well-read, has a decent work history, yet he cannot seem to pin down a good career and progress in a forward momentum. This assessment made me think of him. Why is he unable to get a good job that gives him some satisfaction? Why is he stagnant? We often think of ourselves in terms of what we have done, not what we are good at and can do in the future. This guy, like so many others, focuses in on what he would like to do, which may not necessarily be what he should do or is good at doing. And saying that you are good at everything or have so many things you could do that it is hard to choose is not an acceptable answer in my book. Stop. Assess yourself. Breathe. Relax. Formulate a list of your top traits. Find where your talents lay and base your career path on that. Do what you are good at, not struggle to do that which you are mediocre. This goes for everything in your life. For him, he is not working because he is not working on himself. He is not really figuring out why he is in his specific place in life. He isn’t working on being a better person or communication. He isn’t working on past issues to build a stronger, healthier future. He is focused on finding that one perfect thing, when quite frankly that doesn’t exist. There is no perfection. There is a right job, a right partner, a right choice, a good life. That’s it. And it is harnessing the understanding of our true talents that enables us to obtain those things.

This assessment made me think of another; someone very dear to me. His strength is communication. He is independent. He is an idea guy. He is great with people and loves to talk and interact. He is also a person with the significance and futuristic traits. He thinks constantly and lives to help others. He is in a perfect job as an administrator, working with people and helping them at various stages of their life. He too works in the Deathcare Industry as a Temple Administrator and gets to work with families in the congregational setting, but as well during the final stages of their lives. He is passionate about his work and is damn good at it. He is someone I can honestly say has stopped to analyze his strengths and talents and has moved in a career path based on what he is good at to best serve the community.

For me, this assessment was spot on. I really am all of those things and really want to be the best in every part of my life. I want to be a good partner, lover, friend, family member, daughter, mother one day, teacher, manager, employee, colleague. I am inspired by this assessment to grow as an individual and take time to admit my flaws, accept my place, and grow as an individual with this new understanding of myself.

Put It In Perspective! That's What It's All About!

I went back to working out at a fitness class I used to participate in on a regular basis. I had not been to this class in three months as a result of moving to a new apartment, a hectic work and school schedule, and social distractions. I had been going to my regular gym to run on the treadmill, but was not putting much effort into working out and pushing myself as well as eating healthy. I knew it was time to step it up again and get back to the fitness routine I once loved and was dedicated to, however I found it challenging to get motivated after working long hours.

That all changed yesterday. Following a conversation with someone on Monday that included some harsh honesty, I was devastated. It is really hard to receive feedback about a personal shortcoming, especially physical appearance. I was really hurt and felt emotionally bruised. I felt ugly and my confidence was broken. All I could think about is how disgusting I must be physically and how everyone is walking around looking at me, thinking that I am just the most unattractive person they’ve laid eyes on. I realize that this is completely extreme, but when confidence is shaken up like that it is hard to reel yourself in and put it in perspective.

We are all people that have feelings and different sore subjects that we do not like to talk about. Constructive criticism, judgment, feedback, rejection is all hard to stomach. It’s never easy to tell someone something they do not want to hear. I think it is important to pay attention to delivery of that message and keep mindfulness in terms of sensitivity when having these types of conversations.

I decided to do something I do not typically like to do. I posted on Facebook a status that read, “Going back to Cardio Barre after a significant amount of time away. Sometimes it takes someones hurtful honesty to wake you up and get you back on track. ‪#‎notgonnastopme.” I didn’t necessarily want an outpouring of support from my friends and acquaintances, but I did want to know what people thought and wanted to be open about what I was struggling with. The responses really overwhelmed me. Not one person had any negative criticism. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I received a flood of comments from friends reminding me of my beauty and my potential. I received encouragement and even got texts outside of social media from friends reassuring me that it was an issue with someone else, and not with me.  

Out of a really crappy situation came a beautiful reminder of how lucky I am to have such amazing friends and how beauty is not just skin deep. I guess the world isn’t looking at me thinking I’m a hideous troll. Not everyone sees the same thing that one person saw. And then it all became clear… it’s ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE!

How one person sees someone is not necessarily how everyone else views them. Just because one person tells you that your hair color is not attractive doesn’t mean that it really is. It just means that to that specific individual they would prefer to see something else. Another valuable lesson out of all this is that you should never change for anyone else based on what feedback they give you about their own personal preference or perspective. Wear the clothes that make you happy. Dye your hair whatever color suits your style. Tattoo your body if you feel so inclined and it defines your personality and lifestyle. The only standard that everyone should live by is always be true to yourself. I have a permanent reminder on my wrist that “to thine own self be true,” yet it is something I forget the most.

I was initially motivated by a harsh comment to get my ass back to a regimented exercise routine and a healthier lifestyle; however that was merely the spark that ignited the flame. I am driven and motivated for me. I want to be happy and healthy for me. For my family, good friends, for those I love and for those who love me back. Life is way too short to waste time focusing on the comments and critiques. I am thankful for everything in my life even more so today than yesterday. Feeling very loved.

Scrapes and Burns

This weekend was so incredibly bittersweet. It left me considering my place in life and those I keep close to me in my inner circle. It was a complete roller coaster of emotions; from genuine laughter and silliness to deep conversation. Experiences were both lighthearted and extremely heavy. By the end of the weekend, Sunday night, I was sure of one thing; I was going to stand up for my emotions and be real and honest with those whom I care about and want to maintain relationships with.

Today I woke up knowing I am sick and tired of making excuses for those in my life who are unable to express emotion or take ownership for the part they play in any wrongdoing or feelings of ill will. I am sick of giving third and fourth chances to people who only take. I can't stand feeling like a fool for putting myself out there with my heart on my sleeve, expressing myself and being up front and honest with my feelings regardless of whether they are good or bad, when others can't seem to do the same. I will no longer give out respect when it is not reciprocated.

Worst of all is the person who is so void of emotion and so detached that they cannot admit when they have faltered and are unable to be a real friend and own up to their wrongdoings. I was raised right, with a good head on my shoulders, a solid conscience and a big heart and know that when I hurt someone, intentionally or by accident, it is my responsibility to own up to my bad behavior and give someone the satisfaction of knowing why I did what I did. Even if there is no good reason.

We are all humans capable of making bad decisions and likely to act in ways that hurt other human beings, even when we do not have bad intentions. A true good, kind soul is one that is capable of listening to other people and is receptive to the feedback they get about how their actions and choices have affected others. We are not always going to like or appreciate what we hear, but there is really no other way to grow and become better if we cannot hear criticism and feedback. No one is perfect and only a fool, in my opinion, thinks they have nothing left to learn and are flawless.

Here is a quick story. My friend went through a situation that really bothers me. She was dating a guy who swept her off her feet. He seemed completely charming, hitting it off right away, having a juicy two hour make out session on their first date, and getting in deep within a matter of weeks. As she described their relationship it seemed as if they were both really into each other, spending a lot of time with one another after work and on the weekends when he was free or she was not committed to other plans. They seemed to really enjoy the company of one another, and she seemed to give in to opening up and trusting in him. She sat in tears and explained that out of nowhere he suddenly pulled away, distancing himself, no longer spending as much time with her, barely showing sexual interest, which left her feeling undesirable and unattractive. She said that she had no idea what she had done wrong and could not understand that even with all the similarities they shared in the way they thought and their likes and dislikes, she was still not enough and he pulled away. She repeated over and over again, "how could he do this to me?"

It was really heartbreaking to think about someone doing such a thing and giving no explanation, but the worst was not the fact that he retracted his feelings and lacked closeness so abruptly. It was his callousness in response when she reached out again with her emotions on her sleeve. It was as if he had no concern for the affect he had on her and the weight of his actions. It was as if she were completely disposable and not worthy of his respect. I wanted so badly to tell my friend that she was wasting her time investing in a man so broken and in desperate need of personal growth and work on his own lost soul. It wasn't actually something she had done wrong. Perhaps she was simply not physically attractive to him. That was definitely not something she wanted to hear, but still it was a possibility.

Regardless of the million "whys" we tossed back and forth, the only part worth focusing on was the fact that the man she pursued was broken and incapable of accepting his role in hurting her and unable to face the affects of his actions. He was devastated from a divorce that left him feeling inconsequential and abandoned and yet he was so blinded to what was the real reason his wife had left. He had never actually been able to look within and examine himself, seeing past ego and this unrealistic defensive viewpoint that he was not in need of any personal change. It was all a rouse and a front to hide his anxiousness and feelings of inferiority and loneliness.

My friend knew all along that he was not right for her. That she was in fact healthier mentally and more capable of having a successful, loving relationship. She knew that she deserved a partner that would rub her neck when she was sore or give her advice and really be there when she needed hug and words of encouragement. He was not that because he couldn't see past his own life and his own needs. He was far too selfish to give her what she deserved and she was far too good for him. For that type of relationship.

I hate seeing people hurting and I too will make a million excuses for someone if I want things to work out, but something I can learn from this example is not to waste my time on those who are too self absorbed to be really connected and true to others they care about. We should not lower our expectations to accommodate those who are unwilling to do so for us.

As she explained how heartbroken and embarrassed she was for pursing a man who made such little effort to care and love her back, I felt bad for the man because he was so blinded by his own failures and pain that he threw away a chance to be with such a beautiful person. He was so stuck on the failure of his marriage and the drama in his own life that he was unable to see that a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, gentle, dedicated woman was there trying to do nothing other than love him.

It makes me sad that so many people in this world are overly focused on all the bad things that have happened to them, failed marriages, lack of employment, feeling sorry for ourselves instead or recognizing the good that is right in front of them, ultimately throwing away a truly good relationship for their own sorrows. Some people really seem to want to stay miserable.

I feel bad for those feeling like my friend and wish that I could either change the way people think or help people to move on without feeling pain. Life is so difficult with so many layers like a bitter onion. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep our eyes open and focused on the potential for good and true love within our lives. No one ever said life is going to be easy. Its just about surviving the scrapes and burns we get along the way. 

Heavy Gestures

We often wish what is was not,
But what will be will always be.
We just cannot change that.
Sometimes the heart feels an incredible ache,
from having to stomach something that has no explanation.
Days carry moments that sting and burn,
when we yearn for a breath of fresh air and things to go right.
The night is so still and the air is sour.
Hours passing by, inside I feel blank.
Ashamed that I get so mad and allow myself to care so much.
Touched by glimpses and gestures that I've given far too much weight.
Afraid I've shared too much.
Enough I am not, clearly.
Merely a lonely heart sitting in the dark waiting.
Always waiting.
Making me sad...only I am at fault for letting myself care.
Dare to be brave. To change and start over.
Another day shall come and go and with it I know I will live on.
Gone are so many and more shall disappear with years.
These tears, salty and bitter, are from my heart.
Partly from you.
Mostly from me.

Ah Just Push It

At the end of the day all we have is ourselves to rely on, to count on and a big part of living a happy life is being accepting of this. I feel a sense of freedom in releasing myself from making decisions because I feel obligated. The only true obligation I have in this world is to take care of myself.

As I continue to soul search and repair myself I am finding that I have a much deeper sensitive side than I was aware of. I'm feeling emotions and processing things in a healthy way now and I'm starting to enjoy the process. Today I woke up and took a walk in the rain to process what was on my mind. I was upset about someone not calling me back and not making time for me as I was told would happen. I don't like feeling like I'm put on the back burner, especially not by someone I never act that way too. But as I found clarity on my walk I realized that I am the reason I'm feeling slighted.

It's my way of thinking that leaves me feeling this way. I make myself way too available for everyone I care about. I often drop everything for certain people and that isn't healthy behavior. I am left feeling like shit when someone says they will make me a priority and then they drop the ball because I always do it for them. That's my big old bad!

Today is a double workout day. I'm currently running on the treadmill voice to text dictating this blog, trying to get the gloom and doom out of my heart. I don't like feeling like a victim and I don't want to be hurt. I need to get back to protecting myself and taking care of #1 - me! I need to do for me and think for me more rather than doing for others so much. I forgot my own value.

I'm also at a crossroads in my life where I need to figure out what I really want and what I'm doing here. Some days I wake up with a fear that I'm 31, almost 32, and am fucking my life up with bad or no decision making. I feel like half the times I move too quickly at lightning speed and the other half I am stagnant. Time to shit or get off the pot after making healthy decisions.

I don't want to be one of those people who let their fears dictate their actions. I am not going to let fear of disappointing people stop me from making a choice that's right for me. I'm not going to piss away a good thing and push people out of my life because I'm scared to take a fucking chance and make a move. I'm not going to sit and take the shit thrown at me passively and wait for life to somehow "happen" because we all know deep down inside that absolutely NOTHING just happens for people. You need to make that shit come to fruition.

Today was a wake up call and it's time to get back on track to taking care of me. Time to push it. Ah, just push it. Push it real good.

I'm pushing it... pushing it real good.

Be Careful What You Read

Loss is loss. It comes in many shapes and sizes, forms and situations. I feel like I’ve experienced more than most and yet it is still difficult to deal with and work through. The pain from a loss, whether it is a death of a loved one or friend or it is an end of a relationship, leaves a hole that becomes a gnawing void that you want so badly to fill with distractions and instant gratification. It is a lacking from something that once was so joyous and full of love that causes a burning, stinging pain that is almost torturous at moments of complete silence. It is the times of stillness that the mind races and almost instantaneously locates that gaping wound and picks at it, focusing on the longing for the companionship you once had or the smile of the person that is no longer with us. It is so hard to accept the unsettling feelings and the emptiness that comes with coping with loss, but acceptance and forward momentum are the only true ways to heal.

Healing is a funny concept when dealing with an emotional pain. Healing isn’t just popping a pill and over a short period of time getting better. Healing as it refers to loss is processing and allowing time to grieve, being temporarily reckless, falling completely apart and becoming a total mess, shutting down and yelling and screaming, sleeping a hell of a lot and overindulging on food and drinks. It is most importantly going through the motions and picking yourself back up again; dusting off the anger and resentment, sobering up in every sense, and learning to live a different life. It isn’t filling the void – it is learning to work with it, building up happiness and success in other avenues of your life, to make the void seem smaller and smaller.

Today, I read a post from my ex on Facebook, which stated that 2015 is the year of rebirth and starting over, taking life into his own hands as a happier stronger person. I am so happy for him. But I am also very sad. I am sad for myself because, while it is true that I made the choice to leave our marriage, I still have such fond sentiment when I think of the memories we shared. Twelve long years included so many great times; full, deep belly laughter, crying good tears, companionship and a deep bond during some very dark times. He was my rock and will always be a best friend to me. I do not look at my loss of our relationship as a bad thing. It was necessary as we both outgrew our relationship. Our codependency was preventing us from being the best versions of ourselves that we possibly could be and held us back from our full potential.

A good friend of mine told me that he was proud of me and admires my ability to make things happen for myself. He said that he sees me set my mind on something, whether it is a tangible goal or working through an emotional issue, and watches me move forward without stopping until the goal is accomplished. I have never stopped to really think about my process for advancement or getting through a challenge; it’s always just been what I do. My mom has said several times that I have matured and become a very strong and focused woman, going for what I want and making it happen. There are reasons for this. I recognize why I am this way, and it is a result of loss.

When my dad passed away when I was twenty my world was turned upside down. I was broken and completely devastated. I was hopeless and felt like there was nothing worth fighting for. But over time, I went through the processes of loss and grieving, and anger and resentment subsided and things got easier to deal with. I knew I was accepting of my father’s death when I had the realization that life can be taken at any moment and therefore it is very important to live in the present and to the fullest. My dad passing away proved to me that we never know how much time we will have. The worst thing to me would be dying without feeling fulfilled or knowing that I did not do everything in my power to accomplish my dreams.

2015 is going to be a year of more personal growth, acceptance of loss and pain that I have been through and that may come my way, as well as a year of adventure. My loss does not determine my reality. As my ex used to always say, it is our focus that determines our reality. This I know he was correct about.