Getting Through It

I keep trying to talk myself out of negative thinking, and so far it's not going so well. I just have to say it. I feel like I'm an after thought; useless; isolated; always pushed to the back burner. I know it's petty and immature to feel like this, so maybe saying it loud and clear will be the beginning of the end to feeling these stupid feelings. 

Things are extremely busy in every aspect of my life and time is passing by way too quickly. Is living life really all about bouncing from one thing to the next, playing a constant game of catch up and try to survive? It hardly seems like living to me. 

I recognize a major issue leading to why I feel this way today; actually this whole week. I take things way too personal. I internalize everything and probably feel much stronger than most about pretty much everything. I am starting to think that I put more care and emphasis on things than others, and have too high of expectations from people. I care a lot and I think it is to my detriment. 

Here I am siting at Starbucks on my lunch break blogging and trying to just catch my breath. I feel off - nothing seems right and combine that with feeling put off and now all I want to do is go home, crawl under the covers and sleep the day away. 

I am most likely just throwing a juvenile tantrum because things aren't "fun" right now. Life is throwing serious lemons at me right now and there is a lot to deal with. I am trying my hardest to power through it with a smile on my face and I'm not always able to do it gracefully. 

It is stupid but it's true - things are better when they are light hearted, silly, relaxed, in sync, etc. I know there will not always be days like this, but I just wish there were more good days than bad. I wish there was more laughter than frustration or angry faces. I wish life was a little less serious more often. 

It is all about perspective and I'm trying to keep in mind that this is just a day - one Friday out of many more to follow that will be both good and bad. I'll get through it just like I did the one before it and will do so over and over again in the future... Because that is what living life is about; getting through it and over it and moving on. Right? 

Happy Day - The Best Kinda Day

Getting in a quick blog before meeting a friend for dinner. There is something so nice about ending the day with a good laugh to make your work day feel in sync and eventful. It's like despite things being a chaotic shit show, everything at the moment worked smoothly and felt right. A little laughter and silly humor goes a long way. 

I am really looking forward to dinner with my friend. It's been a while since we've hung out and it's been a while since I've been out. 

I got into a conversation today accountability and being for the choices we make. I have, for better or worse, made the choices I have and must live with the outcome or make changes. It's comforting to know that there are other people in the same boat; that it's not just me dealing with a complicated life.

I am constantly tossing this question around in my mind: is life really about moving from one situation to another trying to stay afloat, getting over one hurdle to have things enjoyable for only a brief moment before reaching the next challenge? Is that really living a happy life? 

This year has quickly become the year for change. I am going to work hard to fix that which I feel is broken or reconfigure what I see needs tweaking. Life is so short, I feel like I might as well enjoy the ride even if it is a momentary trip to the next challenge. 

Today was a positive day, one could even say a fun day. All things must really happen for a reason. 

Running Away From Nothing Tangible

I am running and running on this goddamn machine trying to run away my achy heart and frustrated mind. I can break past the funk from the terrible morning I had before leaving my house. I can't seem to run fast enough.

I have so much fuel for this fire right now that I can barely find the right place to start. I am mad. I'm mostly mad at myself for various choices I've made to end up where I am now. I'm so far behind where I should be. Not in comparison to anyone else, but where I wanted to be by this point in my life. I had higher hopes and bigger expectations. I'm sick of having nothing to show for the hours and endless effort I put into my life. I'm so fucking irritated with people who sit around all day and somehow everything works out and they get exactly what they need and have endless money to buy whatever they want. This rat race is doing a hell of a number on my psyche. 

I'm also really worried. I am worried about financial matters daily and hardly sleep. I'm working so hard at my job and to get this degree so I can get a masters and I'm wondering if there really is a point. I think the only point is that with that piece of paper my opinion will actually have credibility. I will be valued as a competent contributor who know what they are taking about. I will value myself more. Tom will value my intelligence more. I won't have to struggle as much. I will find my confidence.

I'm very uncertain about many things in my future - school, my relationship, my finances, etc. I felt very isolated today with a ton of pressure on me that I can't get past. I feel like I'm drowning in so much of life's bullshit and no one is around to throw me a fucking life raft. 

I don't want to worry anyone (if anyone actually reads this at all) - I'm going to be fine. I always am. I'll make it through this and on to another day, month, year. Some things may change from day to day and I will always work on bettering myself. I just hope I find some people who understand along the way.

Facebook Status is Really a Status?

I have been thinking a lot lately about posting and checking in on Facebook - why I do it, why I share the things I do, why I think people care, etc. I have this ridiculous need to "check in" where ever I go, like the gym for instance. No one really gives a shit whether I'm working out at the Playa Vista LA Fitness or not! No one is sitting by the computer waiting with anticipation to see where I will go next. I'm just not that interesting!

So why do I do it? Cause I wish people were that interested? Maybe so. Because I'm proud of myself? Possibly. 

Last night my status post was a laundry list of the shit I had to accomplish today. It was a method of holding myself accountable. It's that whole concept of I said it so now I have to do it. And you know what? It worked! I got my ass up early and did school work, went to Ikea, went to Robbins Bros., am at the gym now and am getting my nails done at 4. I'm making it happen. Productivity was a result of Facebook!

I can also admit that I do want people to see that I'm out there doing stuff. I want people to know I've got a life full of action. It's very self-serving and I'm not proud of it, but it's a fact. Maybe people will be in the same place at the same time and we would run into one another? That's a possibility too. Maybe I just can't help myself, like a compulsion to check in and tell the Facebook world "hey, see me?! I'm cool!" Who the fuck knows.

I also see how Facebook is a trap leading to drama and unhappiness. I recently became friends with this girl. For anonymity sake I won't say any more. A few months ago I started getting to know this gal and thought we hit it off. We both went through similar loss of a parent, both have similar family dynamics. I thought she was genuine but have come to realize she is not. She has never asked me what is going on in my life. She's never taken interest or shown concern about anything but her own drama. 

I'm completely over these types of people. But opening myself up to people who let me down and turn out to be like that takes me back a few steps and makes me want to close myself off from new friendships. 

How does this relate to Facebook? I saw her on Facebook posting the usual lofty bullshit from some self motivating inspirational page, stuff that she wishes she really lived by at her core.

I really don't want this blog to come across like a bitchfest forum to complain about "stupid birches" or life's minor frustrations. I am learning life as I go working on being healthier and every so often it's hard to push past some obstacles. 

I'm pushing myself pretty hard on the elliptical right now trying to sweat it out and trying to think about positivity. Looking beyond all this petty crap I must remember that I'm lucky to have the basic freedoms to make friends, go to the gym, work where I want to work, love whoever I want to love. My biological grandfather is being honored tomorrow for being a survivor of the Holocaust. His story was one of a few featured in the Jewish Journal and he is receiving an award tomorrow. He didn't have these basic freedoms. He lost his entire biological family to the Holocaust and fought for a better life and for his family. 

I am lucky to be here today. Facebook, check ins, petty people, drama are all tiny specks of dust in comparison to the enormity of love, healthy living, family and real life. 

So Sorry

I am so glad it's Friday! I am literally 1 week in to school and already realizing that it's going to be a lot harder than I thought. I honestly don't know what I expected. But like friends have said, maybe I just need to get back into the swing of things again. After all, it has been like a decade since I've really had to study!

Maybe it was a result of lack of sleep for several days or stress from a non-stop schedule, but I was in a terrible mood today. I hate when it shows, especially at work. It's not a good trait and not something that belongs in the workplace. But sometimes it's hard to hide or pretend you aren't feeling. Bottom line - this week I felt overlooked by some people in a few aspects of my life and it caught up to me when time escaped me and I forgot to eat before hitting my breaking point. 

One of my pet peeves is being interrupted. It's fucking rude and makes me feel small and inconsequential. It especially pisses me off when it's someone I respect or look up to. It happened Tuesday twice - blatant disregard for someone I was in mid conversation with, their attention diverted to the interrupter. It happened a few other times yesterday. Just not my week for understanding towards this shit. 

Yesterday I pulled an 18 hour day. Awake for that long turns me into one crazy bitch. I need to focus on time management skills and find my inner chi! Goozfrabah!

There is also something bothering me deep down in my heart. I feel guilty. I stopped talking to my dads mother after my wedding. It was a choice I made because of a long, painful history of verbal abuse and other family drama. I saw her briefly almost three years ago when her husband, my step grandpa, passed away. But I have not seen her until this past weekend and it was under unfortunate circumstances. 

She suffered a decent size stroke at the age of 96 and already had progressive dementia. Now she has no clue who I am, has cognitive issues, doesn't know where she is or who has visited her most of the time. She is confused, agitated, frustrated, and just not there. My heart hurts so much because I was too stubborn to swallow my pride and make amends when she was coherent. Now she will never know that I loved the good parts of our relationship; that I cherish the happy memories with her. That I miss her and love her very much.

I am sorry for being such a bitch today and for having little patience. Tomorrow is a new day and a time for renewed confidence and inner strength. Cheers to a weekend long at last!

Showing Some Skin

Here I am day number two bustin my ass killing it on the elliptical to some Katy Perry Dark Horse... in a freakin tank top! To most this is not an accomplishment, but to me it is a giant deal. I hate my arms and have been in tattoo cover up for work for so long I have developed an insecurity for showing some skin. I have been thinking negatively for quite some time now that my arms are too far, too pale, to tattooed for public visual consumption. 

Stupid, I know. But it is what it is, until today. I feel good! I've been working out hard, especially on my arms, and I'm not going to hide anymore. Sure they are a bit looser than I would like and the are covered in tattoos. But that is who I am.

2014 is about me and accepting who I am, where I'm at, and being proud of that or working on things until I am happy. It starts here at a new gym, with the right people cheering in my corner. 

In thinking about changes I started to notice a trend reoccurring. It's hard to put into words what this tend is, so I'll give you an example. Last night I watched a movie that referenced  someone being a "book maker." I had to ask to find out that this is a bookie. Today I went to a long two hour meeting with several educated, very intimidating professionals and low and behold someone referenced "book making!" It may be small, but this is just one example out of many "coincidences" that just don't seem so coincidental anymore. I think they are subtle reassurances that  I'm in the right place at the right time in my life. That things are as they should be. 

In the prolific words of Katy Perry, "Are You Ready For A Perfect Storm?" Cause I'm coming for you world!

Who Will Get Me?

I started school this week and already it's a ton of reading. Hopefully I can find a rhythm and some steady study habits and get through the next few years painlessly. I am really looking forward to the process and to getting a degree to back up what I know I can do. 

Besides school things have been pretty much status quo. I feel like I'm really growing and changing, hopefully for the better, and hopefully so are the people around me. I am really worried that I will have changed so much I will no longer have things in common with the ones I care about. 

Just a few years ago I was partying and being a typical wild and reckless late twenty something. My friends all fit into that mix; the girl I called my best friend was never without a rum and coke in hand and was a shit talker, shot caller, party girl. I was at a dead end, abusive job that I didn't care about. I gave up on anything resembling work ethic and drank with my boss at work. Did I mention we worked with special needs kids? Well, I didn't directly work with then thank god. 

I decided one day after many shitty, emotional drunk nights full of fighting and crying that I should examine my life. I started applying for jobs and found hope again. I miraculously got the wonderful job I have now and in the transition found my confidence. I found my intelligence. I found my self worth. 

Needless to say I phased my friend out of my life to acquaintance status. After I cleaned up I realized she was still the same. Same complaints. Same lack of real motivation. Same lofty goals that lacked reality. I had changed and grown and outgrew my friends. 

I had a friend who had one goal - be a mom. I have many goals - have a good career and work hard, eventually get a BA and an MBA, travel, etc. and as I started changing I too outgrew her! 

I have since made a new group of career minded, educated, caring and dedicate friends that work hard and most importantly put as much effort into our friendship as I do. I look up to them vas respect them. 

I don't want to be distanced from them because I have to commit myself up studying. I don't want them to move away. I am sick of having to start over and have such a hard time letting people in. I'm very protective of my friendships. 

In the end I keep telling myself that I need just focus on me and things will fall into place. But who will get me? 

Don't Fear the New Year

I am finally getting out my first blog of the New Year. I was completely overwhelmed with the holidays and life events in December and did not get a chance to write a year in review recap blog I intended to do for the closing of 2013. So, to welcome the new year properly I decided to look back at the events of 2013, both highlights and challenges, in order to make 2014 a stronger, better, more successful year.

2013 had many highlights – Our plumbing company acquired a shop location; I applied to University of Massachusetts and got accepted; I took a solo trip to beautiful Morro Bay for the weekend; Tom and I won a trip to Panama and flew there first class; We visited family in Philly and Delaware; I turned 30 and decided to be 100% sober; Had many great times with friends; Had a Lightcap family reunion in a beautiful mansion overlooking the beach in San Clemente; Had professional growth at my job; grew even closer to my biological family; etc.

There were also some low points – My mom suffered a tragic freak accident that broke her humorous in half and left her with permanent nerve damage; As a result of her injury I have developed a debilitating anxiety condition that prevents me from being useful during emergencies; We had some financial hardship that we are finally coming out of; Tom knocked his front teeth out and now has a permanent bridge; Celebrated the 10 year anniversary of my dad passing away; Suffered from the flu twice during the holidays; etc.

All in all, 2013 was a year of growth. I have regained my love for exercise and have become completely obsessed with Cardio Barre. I have been working on my relationship with my husband as well as my connection with friends. I have tapped into a deep love that I have for many things in my life and embraced each and every moment. As I look onto 2014 I hope for even greater success in every avenue; I wish for an easy time with school which starts in 11 days; I want to open my eyes to any flaws I am dissatisfied with and have the strength and means to correct them; I hope to get over my anxiety troubles and push past any other obstacles that cross my path. I want this year to be the very best it can be and I promise to work hard to be the very best version of myself.

Happy New Year to all of my friends and family; Wishing you the best of the best and then some!